Christian wedding traditions offensive to Jewish people?

[TinaLB]

Hi...this is my first post here but I've lurked some over the last few weeks. I did notice some discussion on Jewish weddings and hoped I could get some feedback. I'm the mother of the bride...my dd and her fiance are getting married next October. He's Jewish, we are Christian. This wedding of course has my blessing and I am more than happy to see them combine aspects from both faiths in their ceremony IF they want to do that. I know he said he really wants the Chuppah and the breaking of the glass. Now onto my question. My dd said she wanted to do a unity candle. I've only been to Christian weddings and I know this is common at them. I mentioned it to my FSIL and seemed OK with it as long as it wasn't overtly Christian. So he called his mother and mentioned it to her and she told him she was very uncomfortable with that. Ok, here's what I don't understand...why is it OK to have overtly Jewish symbols at the wedding but not a unity candle? Anyone here who is Jewish find this tradition offensive? Yes I know the the unity candle can be seen as a union of two families in the name of Christ, but it can also be pretty secular...just a symbol of the union of the two families.

At anyrate I feel somewhat upset because I know my dd really wanted this done at the ceremony...am I being too sensative? It's not like we are asking to do communion at the wedding

[JenandTony]

I don't think you are being overly sensitive at all.

Maybe your daughter's fiance's mother doesn't know what the Unity candle ceremony is. I would explain to her that the wording to be used in this ceremony would be for the joining of two families in marriage, and that you are not going to use the traditional wording of being united in Christ. Maybe she is just assuming that you will use the Christian wording and she needs to be put at ease.

And if it means alot to your daughter to have this in the ceremony, then by all means it needs to be in there! Good luck!

[TinaLB]

Hi JenandTony..I'm definitely going to talk to her after I talk to my dd and find make sure she really wants this at the ceremony. The way I explained it to FSIL was that it was simply both mothers going up and lighting the large candle with two smaller candles. No readings, just music. I don't see how that can be construed as overtly Christian. He had never seen it done before and neither had his mom. I think his mom is jumping to the conclusion that just because it is traditionally done at Christian weddings that it must be a Christian tradition.

I guess what is bugging me most is that I'm picking up on a double standard here. It's OK to have Jewish traditions but not Christian traditions. Interestingly enough my dd is even looking at some traditional Jewish music, but I bet if we mentioned someone singing Amazing Grace everyone would have a fit.

[JenandTony]

That would bother me also...I mean the couple if coming together, and if you're going to not only acknowledge but incorporate his Jewish heritage then why can't you do the same for her Christian heritage? I would have a problem with that! It seems like a double standard to me.

[TOTO]

The way I see it, marriage (and that inlcudes weddings) involves some give and take. If it is important to your daughter, it should be important to her fiance. If this wedding is truly supposed to combine the two faiths, there probaby will be some things that are traditional to one and not the other. There should be a fair balance between the two. On the other hand, if you talk to your daugther and she doesn't want it, then maybe there is something else you can do instead.

[TOTO]

Oops, one more thing. It should be up to the bride and groom, not their families. Any reasonable bride and groom will consider the feelings of all involved in such a circumstance and try to come to a reasonable compromise while still doing what they want and feel strongly about. (Don't take me wrong, I don't think you have over stepped your bounds here, if anything, the groom's family has by not accepting this without trying to understand what it means first.)

remember these are two different beliefs. things are done a lot differently. so just be patience and understanding they will need to be the same way.

here is an example of a Jewish Reception:

You signed the ketubah, raised the huppah, exchanged rings, and stomped on the glass -- but wait, the wedding's not over yet! There are a few more rituals left to make your reception a true simcha (joyous celebration).

Blessing The Challah

The wedding meal begins with a blessing over the challah, an elaborately braided bread. The couple's parents or another honored guest can make the hamotzi, or blessing.


S'eudah Mitzvah

No Jewish event is complete without s'eudah mitzvah -- food! Chicken and fish, both fertility symbols, are ever-present dishes at Jewish weddings. The first course at Sephardic weddings is called Sutlach, a sweet rice pudding made with coconut milk, honey, and almonds -- all symbols of a sweet and prosperous life. If you're wondering whether or not to serve a kosher meal at your wedding, take it from us -- kosher doesn't mean unappetizing. Dry brisket and lead latkes aren't your only options -- there are plenty of yummy kosher treats to satisfy the crowd. Imagine seared salmon and sundried tomato and artichoke penne. Or rosemary chicken and roasted veggie couscous. How about garlic marinated Romanian tenderloin, or even spicy tuna sushi? Decide whether you want a meat or a dairy meal. (Remember, fish and eggs are parve, which means they go both ways.) Find a glatt-kosher caterer: if that's too hard-core, ask your caterer to devise a "kosher-style" menu that adheres to kosher rules but isn't cooked in a kosher kitchen. Eliminate treyf no-nos like pork and shellfish. No lobster salad or oysters Rockefeller? Who cares? Hey, you might even save a few shekels.

The Hora

No Jewish wedding is complete without the Hora, or chair dance, most likely derived from the tradition of carrying royalty on chairs. A few strong and brave guests hoist the bride and groom high above the crowd on chairs to the infectious sounds of "Hava Nagila". Friends and family dance around in an ecstatic circle as the elevated couple tries not to look (or fall) down.

Mitzvah Dances

Entertaining the bride and groom on their wedding day is not only a mitzvah (good deed) but also an obligation. At traditional Jewish weddings, the couple is seated on chairs and guests dance before them with masks, silly costumes, and props.

Mezinke Tanz OR Krenzel

The Mezinke Tanz is one of the concluding dances of the night and honors parents who have married off their last child. The dance is also known as Krenzel (Yiddish for "crown") in reference to the crown of flowers often placed in the mother's hair during the dance. The proud parents are seated on chairs in the middle of the dance floor while friends and family dance around, kissing them as they pass in front.

Birkat Hamazon

The traditional way to end the festive meal is with the birkat hamazon, the blessings after the meal. Booklets of prayers, called benchers, can be handed out to guests. After the prayers, the seven wedding blessings are repeated, giving friends yet another opportunity to participate. Finally, the blessing over the wine is recited as two glasses of wine are poured together into a third, symbolizing the creation of a new life together with a new marriage.

[TinaLB]

Thanks all...it's good to know I'm not being too sensative...

I think the main thing in my post was

My dd said she wanted to do a unity candle

She was the first one to mention it...not me...it wasn't my idea at all. I just happened to mention it in passing to her fiance and he mentioned it to his mother who in turn got all uncomfortable just because I told her fiance it was often done at Christian weddings.

Vixey...thanks for the info on Jewish weddings. I assure you that there will be none of that at their wedding...in fact when I mentioned the ketubah to FSIL he didn't know what I was talking about. They are not a religious family at all. They are definitely not going kosher for the meal. That is why I don't understand them feeling offended at something as simple as a unity candle. What I'm trying to understand is why?

[DNM1010]

well im having a jewish wedding wiht m y FH because we both decided we are going to be jewish and so we are not combining any catholic traditions in our wedding. i know though that if i did my father would have a fit. i know it doesnt matter because its all ip to the bride and groom, and my dad would be unreasonable to get angry but one think i learned about having jewish parents...

my parents are not very educated in other religeons and what they do not know scares them. your best bet is to do your homework on the issue of candles...

for example my dad was freaking out about christmas- not that nick and i celebrate it but he felt like if i went to someones house who has a xmas tree that we would be sitting there praising jesus by the tree or something..

so i did my homework and showed my dad where the tradition of the christmas tree originated and how decorating the tree was something some king did for his wife and how saint nick was just a good man and trees were used in lots of places in egypt etc...

and he shut up about it..

do your homework and dont be scared to communicate about it- what it means, what it means to you (or ur daughter in this case)

i think your fsil is prolly under some pressure from his folks... please realize that in judaism if the mother is not jewish, neither are the kids...

[i plan for u]

Originally Posted by TinaLB

Hi JenandTony..I'm definitely going to talk to her after I talk to my dd and find make sure she really wants this at the ceremony. The way I explained it to FSIL was that it was simply both mothers going up and lighting the large candle with two smaller candles. No readings, just music. I don't see how that can be construed as overtly Christian. He had never seen it done before and neither had his mom. I think his mom is jumping to the conclusion that just because it is traditionally done at Christian weddings that it must be a Christian tradition.

I guess what is bugging me most is that I'm picking up on a double standard here. It's OK to have Jewish traditions but not Christian traditions. Interestingly enough my dd is even looking at some traditional Jewish music, but I bet if we mentioned someone singing Amazing Grace everyone would have a fit.

I'm not sure if you've solved this issue. But if after you speak to you daughter and there are Christian Traditions she wants to incorporate into the wedding ceremony and she doesn't know how to say so, for fear she may offend her future in laws, maybe this would be a good time if possible to all sit down together and listen to each other about the traditions that are important to both your families. But most importantly it must be approved by the couple themselves. Good Luck. I hope it all goes well.