Best Man has substance abuse problem

[Bridezilla!]

Hi fellow brides & grooms!

I am the first in my family & group of friends to be getting married, so needless to say, I was absolutely thrilled to find this website forum today where everyone shares so much thoughtful advice with one another. I can't wait to start responding to some of your posts & read your feedback to mine!

The first of my troubles has to do with my fiance's brother: the best man. Just last September, the entire family was shocked when he ended up in hospital, lucky to be alive because of an overdose. He has since admitted he has a substance abuse problem, and my future in-laws & fiance have been doing everything in their power to help him through this. Still, every other month or so, my fiance will get a tearful phone call from his Mom saying that his brother "fell off the band wagon" so to speak. We all continue to remain concerned & dread another phone call like what we got last September. As an aside, my future mother-in-law is very close with her sister, whose husband suffered a near fatal heart attack just 2 months prior to their son's wedding last year. Because of his condition, the groom's family decided to postpone the wedding, which caused a lot of turmoil with the bride's family, who were meant to fly in from out of town for the wedding. The wedding was held some three months later than the original date, and there remains a palpable tension between the two families.

Now, my fiance's brother, god-willing, will graduate from college just two days prior to our wedding. He has numerous plans to go "partying" and my selfish worry is that he won't be able to resist his addiction & will end up in hospital yet again. Having seen how the groom's family reacts to such things, I am worried that his brother's addiction problem will have our wedding postponed. My elderly grandmother, whom I'm very close with, is making a last effort to fly to Canada from Ireland for my wedding. If our wedding is cancelled, I'm afraid she won't be able to travel back again due to her health and also her financial circumstances. I have tried to tactfully broach this subject with my fiance, but he is very defensive of his brother (naturally) and assumes his brother will have his addiction under control by our wedding date.

I was thinking of asking his brother to please post-pone his "party plans" until after the wedding, so he won't look tired in the photographs, but I'm worried everyone will read between the lines of my request & be offended. After all, I will come off more concerned about the wedding than about my brother-in-law's health & achievement in finally graduating.

Am I making a mountain out of a molehill here? How do you suggest I handle this? His brother, because of his circumstances, has been of absolute no help to my fiance in renting tuxedos or arranging a bachelor party (we are getting married in four months & his brother lives in another province).

Thank-you in advance for your advice & support.

[reecey]

Originally Posted by Bridezilla!

Hi fellow brides & grooms!

I am the first in my family & group of friends to be getting married, so needless to say, I was absolutely thrilled to find this website forum today where everyone shares so much thoughtful advice with one another. I can't wait to start responding to some of your posts & read your feedback to mine!

The first of my troubles has to do with my fiance's brother: the best man. Just last September, the entire family was shocked when he ended up in hospital, lucky to be alive because of an overdose. He has since admitted he has a substance abuse problem, and my future in-laws & fiance have been doing everything in their power to help him through this. Still, every other month or so, my fiance will get a tearful phone call from his Mom saying that his brother "fell off the band wagon" so to speak. We all continue to remain concerned & dread another phone call like what we got last September. As an aside, my future mother-in-law is very close with her sister, whose husband suffered a near fatal heart attack just 2 months prior to their son's wedding last year. Because of his condition, the groom's family decided to postpone the wedding, which caused a lot of turmoil with the bride's family, who were meant to fly in from out of town for the wedding. The wedding was held some three months later than the original date, and there remains a palpable tension between the two families.

Now, my fiance's brother, god-willing, will graduate from college just two days prior to our wedding. He has numerous plans to go "partying" and my selfish worry is that he won't be able to resist his addiction & will end up in hospital yet again. Having seen how the groom's family reacts to such things, I am worried that his brother's addiction problem will have our wedding postponed. My elderly grandmother, whom I'm very close with, is making a last effort to fly to Canada from Ireland for my wedding. If our wedding is cancelled, I'm afraid she won't be able to travel back again due to her health and also her financial circumstances. I have tried to tactfully broach this subject with my fiance, but he is very defensive of his brother (naturally) and assumes his brother will have his addiction under control by our wedding date.

I was thinking of asking his brother to please post-pone his "party plans" until after the wedding, so he won't look tired in the photographs, but I'm worried everyone will read between the lines of my request & be offended. After all, I will come off more concerned about the wedding than about my brother-in-law's health & achievement in finally graduating.

Am I making a mountain out of a molehill here? How do you suggest I handle this? His brother, because of his circumstances, has been of absolute no help to my fiance in renting tuxedos or arranging a bachelor party (we are getting married in four months & his brother lives in another province).

Thank-you in advance for your advice & support.

Maybe you need to talk to your FH about choosing someone else to be the best man - obviously neither of you feels that you can rely on the brother - and maybe your FH should tell his brother that he's changed his mind because he's afraid that he'll not be reliable - give the brother a chance to redeem himself by being responsible for a while and let him know that if he's going to go out partying, then he doesn't have to worry about the best man duties at the wedding. Sometimes you have to give a little tough love

[esp1087]

I think with everything else you have to worry about, you should try to let this one slide A LITTLE. There isn't anything you can do to control someone with a substance abuse problem. Until he wants to help himself, he will be on and off the bandwagon.

Have faith, plan everything, and tell him that he should wait until the wedding to party... That it will be the best party he's ever been to! Don't push the issue though because I think that would only cause tension between you and your fiance.

Best wishes,
Elizabeth

[theplanner2005]

Well let's see, on one hand you have the concern for your brother-in-law's well-being and on the other - hopefully your one and only wedding day - hmm, what's a girl to do. Well, one option is to consider having one of your husband's friends as an alternate - just in case. But I think the best option as painful as it sounds is to address this situation first w/your fiance and then as a family. Because the fact of the matter is that weddings aren't cheap - either in time or money, so unless the parents are willing to eat the cost of postponeing the wedding - the show will go on outside of anything short of death - heaven forbid. It's a hard peppermint to swallow - but you need to address this as soon as possible and in the meantime - pray for the best. Good Luck!


QUOTE=Bridezilla!]Hi fellow brides & grooms!

I am the first in my family & group of friends to be getting married, so needless to say, I was absolutely thrilled to find this website forum today where everyone shares so much thoughtful advice with one another. I can't wait to start responding to some of your posts & read your feedback to mine!

The first of my troubles has to do with my fiance's brother: the best man. Just last September, the entire family was shocked when he ended up in hospital, lucky to be alive because of an overdose. He has since admitted he has a substance abuse problem, and my future in-laws & fiance have been doing everything in their power to help him through this. Still, every other month or so, my fiance will get a tearful phone call from his Mom saying that his brother "fell off the band wagon" so to speak. We all continue to remain concerned & dread another phone call like what we got last September. As an aside, my future mother-in-law is very close with her sister, whose husband suffered a near fatal heart attack just 2 months prior to their son's wedding last year. Because of his condition, the groom's family decided to postpone the wedding, which caused a lot of turmoil with the bride's family, who were meant to fly in from out of town for the wedding. The wedding was held some three months later than the original date, and there remains a palpable tension between the two families.

Now, my fiance's brother, god-willing, will graduate from college just two days prior to our wedding. He has numerous plans to go "partying" and my selfish worry is that he won't be able to resist his addiction & will end up in hospital yet again. Having seen how the groom's family reacts to such things, I am worried that his brother's addiction problem will have our wedding postponed. My elderly grandmother, whom I'm very close with, is making a last effort to fly to Canada from Ireland for my wedding. If our wedding is cancelled, I'm afraid she won't be able to travel back again due to her health and also her financial circumstances. I have tried to tactfully broach this subject with my fiance, but he is very defensive of his brother (naturally) and assumes his brother will have his addiction under control by our wedding date.

I was thinking of asking his brother to please post-pone his "party plans" until after the wedding, so he won't look tired in the photographs, but I'm worried everyone will read between the lines of my request & be offended. After all, I will come off more concerned about the wedding than about my brother-in-law's health & achievement in finally graduating.

Am I making a mountain out of a molehill here? How do you suggest I handle this? His brother, because of his circumstances, has been of absolute no help to my fiance in renting tuxedos or arranging a bachelor party (we are getting married in four months & his brother lives in another province).

Thank-you in advance for your advice & support.[/quote]

[koolade]

i think you should just talk to your groom about it and ask if hed have a problem choosing another best man. his brother and him are obviously close if he chose him as a best man, but this is the day youve been waiting your whole life for, and its about you(and your FH)...nobody should get in the way of that. im sure its probably hard for you future bro in law to control his problem, but he shouldnt let it ruin your day, which will most likely happen if he plans on partying beforehand. good luck with that!!

[lizabeth25]

This is a tough call to make, but I can understand where your conserns are coming from. There is a long line of substance (alcohol) abuse on both my mother and father's sides of the family, and I've been at functions (with and without a wet bar) where people don't always behave.
You obviously care very much for your FH's feelings, is brother, and everyone else envolved in this situation.
I can understand that you want the best man to be awake, alert, and most importantly sober on your big day, but these things are not easy to control. What I would suggest would be to have a back up best man or something of that sort incase anything goes wrong. This is what members of my family have been doing for quite some time now, and no, it dosen't always go over without a hitch and yes, feelings have been hurt. It's not at all an easy decision to make, I can understand that.
I guess the best thing I can say to you is to be strong and have faith, both you and your FH
By the way, it's really nice to have someone I can sort of relate to in this situation, and the other posts here have been a big help. Thank you.

[Bridezilla!]

Lizabeth25,
I'm glad others can relate to this as well. I was beating myself up thinking that my concerns, though realistic, were selfish. I tried addressing the issue with my fiance after reading everyone's posts, and the conversation did not go well. My fiance is naturally very defensive and protective of his brother. He explained to me that his brother wouldn't dare cause any problems for the wedding day, which confused me a little because I thought addicts don't always have a choice about their behaviour. He told me I need to learn to accept his brother for who he is and my comeback was that he needed to do the same. Basically, we went in circles like this and it got very emotional. We ended the conflict with the notion that my fiance needs to have hope for his brother right now (even though he quit his treatment plan) and I need to trust that the wedding will go ahead regardless. Worst case scenario, my fiance would like his father to be his back-up best man. I'm still not sure a wedding would go ahead in a "worst case scenario," knowing how my fiance's family deals with a crisis, but bottom line, I learned that if I don't drop the subject from now on, I would do a lot of damage to my relationship with my fiance. This is power I'm not willing to let his brother have over the two of us, so subject is officially dropped.