Parent Problems

[MollyJ]

Let me give you a little bit of background. About three years ago my father suddenly had a mid-life crisis and left with a woman who is just a year older than I am. Everyone stuck with my mother (down to all of their friends and even my father's family) and felt that what my father did was despicable. My father married this woman a couple of months after my parents' divorce was final. I met her once, prior to finding out they were having an affair. I have not seen nor spoken with her since this ***e about. My father is convinced that I am going to get over my feelings, but he is wrong.

The issue here is, how do I tell my father that I don't want his wife at my wedding? The day I dreamed of involved my parents having a dance and sitting together watching proudly as I married my love. Since that isn't going to happen, I want to make things as close to that as possible. Now, I think that the only reason my father's wife would want to come would be out of some weird sense of spite, as who would want to be in a room full of 100 people that hate you? This is going to be mostly my friends, who have obviously gotten the story from me, and my mother's friends/father's former friends.

I also need to figure out how to ask my father what his participation in my wedding will be, particularly based on his wife's non-invitation. How do I ask him if he is going to help out?

Argh!
Molly

[darrensgirl]

I feel for you, but I would just be honest with him. Tell him about the wedding you always dreamed of, with him walking you down the aisle and dancing with your mom and since you know that part of that isn't going to happen, you want him to still walk you down the aisle. And then I would just tell him that his new wife is not invited to the wedding and if he can't or doesn't want to accept that, then he isn't invited either. I know this would be difficult to handle if he was not there, but he should not choose his new wife over you.

[MollyJ]

I had lunch with my father on Monday, and he actually brought it up himself, out of the blue. I, of course, wasn't prepared to discuss it yet and so I got very upset. He indicated that it would be very rude not to invite his wife and it ended with me crying and him angry. I didn't really even say anything, but I'm sure he understood from my uncomfortable silences that I didn't want her there.

My mother, coincidentally, saw the psychiatrist my parents saw during post-affair fallout time and he said that my father's wife absolutely should NOT be invited. I guess I just have to hope that between now and the wedding my father can get over it.

Molly

[trenae]

I understand how difficult this is for you however, it is very important for you to try to see things from your father's point of view. In God's eyes a bond between a husband and wife is the strongest earthly bond there is. So, by all means your father should consider his wife's feelings over yours.

[E]

In this situation, since he has been divorced, he's still married to her mother in God's eyes.

[Groom's mom]

So which wife is the one that God recognizes? The first or the second, or maybe the fifth or sixth? Read your Bible, God HATES divorce for anything other than scriptural cause (adultry and abandonment) Scripture tells us in both the Old and New Testament that to leave your spouse for any other reason is wrong and to remarry is to committ adultry? Think God holds that sacred?

[MollyJ]

Until my mother is granted an anullment, strictly speaking, God would recognize my mother as my father's wife. As non-church-going, non-God-believing adulterers, I believe my father and his new wife don't hold quite the relationship with God that my mother, a woman who works in the church and holds a degree in theology, does. My mother has to hold her head up high and to have my father's new wife at my wedding would make this very hard. A spectacle at my wedding... people whispering and talking ... remembering the last time they saw her out in public, at someone else's wedding, making crude remarks and hitting on every man there.

Some more background? My father had an affair that lasted two years, with a woman who was his secretary and one year older than me. He carried on his life with us. No one ever suspected a thing and it ***e completely out of the blue when my father moved out and into a condo he had prepared ahead of time. Kept coming back and weaseling his way into our family again, because he could not make his mind up about what he wanted, and time and time again told us, in graphic color, the details of his affair. I am salvaging my relationship with him, because he is my father, but it will never be what it was before. I don't want to lose the man who I'd always labeled as my hero, but I can't have the same closeness with him, because he has done the one thing that is, in my eyes, unforgivable.

I want my dream day, and I want it to be as close to the imaginings of my childhood... none of this was part of that.

MJ

[SCL]

I can relate to what Molly J is going through. My father had an affair with a close family friend and he and my mother divorced. The other woman was married and did not leave her husband. I forgave my father for this affair, because he is my only father and I do love him. Four years ago my father married again to a woman who turned out to be a horrible woman. She has cheated on him repeatedly (karma?), is abusive and has made it clear that she does not think much of me. I am not planning to invite her to my wedding, which has made the relationship between my father and I strained. Should I just give in and let his wife come? I am afraid she will make some sort of scene and I want people there who truly care about my fiance and I.

[Angeltee4u]

I sorta know what you are going throu but my situation is somewhat different. it's not my father (god rest his soul) it's my birth mom. see she had 5 children (me being the youngest) and we have never been too close to our birth mom. my birth mom's sister (my aunt) raised me so I only new her as my mom and that's the way it still is. On July 4th this year just a few short weeks ago, me and my birth mom got into it at the lake where we all was ***ping at for the holiday and she said something that I didn't like ( something about telling me how to raise my 2 children, and it ****ed me off and before I knew it I turned around and told her where did she get off telling me how to raise my 2 when she didn't even have the curtisy to raise her 5 when she had us.) So, I could careless if she comes to my wedding or not. I asked my sister to ask her if she wanted an invitation or not cause it didn't make me no differece if I sent her one or not. I just wanted to know if she wanted one so that I know to send her one or whatever cause if she don't want one then I ain't gonna waste my time on sending her one.

Teresa

[thatgirl]

Hi Molly. i was curious as to how things were resolved with your dad. I thought that i was the only one having to deal with asking my dad to not bring his girlfrind, who is also only a year older than i am, to my wedding. I was wondering if you could give me a hand, and maybe give me some tips that you found made it a bit easier to talk about with him.

[marvel]

I am in a similar situation ~ my father, too, had an affair about 3 years ago (while in a 20 year marriage to my stepmother). After they split up, he dated his girlfriend for a while, then got back together with my stepmother, and then got back together w/ his girlfriend, and he went back and forth up until the end of last year. Finally, my dad and stepmother decided to get back together around X-mas, last year. That lasted until January, when she found pics of his ex-girlfriend. Well, they split up and eventually he and his ex-girlfriend split up for good, too. He met another woman on the internet. They've been together for about 5 months.

I am getting married next April. I know that my stepmother still loves my dad and it would hurt her to see him and his new g.f. together in such a romantic occasion. I've never met his new g.f., nor do I care to. I recently asked him not to bring her to my wedding. I explained to him that I didn't want my stepmother, brother or sister being hurt by her presense, and I didn't want the first time that I ever met her, to be at my wedding. Of course, he took it bad. He told me that he didn't know if he would come w/o her and he didn't want me to call or write to him for a while.

I waited about a week and emailed him, asking him to please talk to me. He responded by saying that he loved me and wanted to be at my wedding, but that he loved this woman, too, and wanted her by his side.

My stepmother has already said that she wouldn't come if his g.f. comes ~ and I completely understand and agree with her feelings!

I have prayed about this and turned it over to the Lord. I know that His will will be done. I cannot make this decision on my own. My dad is asking me to choose his girlfriend of 5 months over my stepmother of 20 years. How do you do that?

My father and stepmother have been in my life for almost the same amount of time. My parents divorced when I was 2 (so I don't remember those 2 years). My mother took me away from my dad for about 3 years. When he finally found me, he was married to my stepmother. She took me in and helped raise me, as if I were her own child. So, the 2 years that he has been in my life (longer than my stepmother), I don't even remember. And, to make things even more equal between the 2 of them, he's not my biological father, so there's no blood relation, either! I can't even use "blood" as a determination factor, in who to choose!

This could be a hard decision for me, but I am going to let God handle it. I am not going to worry about it. He knows that I don't want her there, and why, so I'm going to let Him make the arrangements! You're best bet is to pray about it and let it go. God says to pass all cares on to Him. If you worry about it, you take it back from Him and He cannot help you. It's like giving your car keys to Him. Once He has them in hand, you don't have them anymore. So, when the devil taps you on the shoulder, and reminds you of what you could be worrying about, remind him that you don't have that problem anymore ~ you gave it to God to handle. God does not lie, so your prayer will be answered. It may not be the way you thought, or it might, but just know this ~ God's will is ALWAYS right.

[sweetkitten23]

I don't think you should invite the wife to the wedding. It's supposed to be the happiest day of your life, a day focussed on you and your new husband, where everyone around you is there to support you and wish you good luck in your new life. Why should you consider anyone else's feelings over yours on this one day that means so much to you? This day is totally under your control. You choose who to share it with and who not to. Don't let anyone else influence you into thinking what you want is selfish or is the wrong decision. Don't you think you deserve to be completely happy on this one blissful day of your life?

[bronzedoll]

Remember this is YOUR wedding. YOUR feelings are most important and if people cannont understand that they should not be there. My father also had an affair but was upfront with me about the wedding, he would not bring his wife if that was what I wanted since it is My big day. Just remember your feelings matter and you will remember your wedding the rest of your life so make it as close to perfect as possible.

Carol

[ournanasally]

Dear Molly, I know how YOU feel, but step back and see how your father and mother feel. You know some day, you may be in the very place your father is in. We all have to grow and some grow together and some grow apart. Realize this is about you, and your fathers love for you. You may not always approve of what your father or mother do, but they are your parents and without them, this would not be your most beauitful day.
A year ago I went to my daughters wedding. It was her most special day..and my exhusband managed to make it the most ugly day for many people..somehow divorce brings out the worst in people..this should be a time of love, forgiveness and joy for all. Everyone should make it the best day...it is also your new husbands wedding and his parents share in this day too. It can be the worse day or the best day of your life, and all should work together and put THEIR feelings aside for 48 hours..
Six months after that wedding my step daughter got married and I pinned my husbands, exwifes flowers on...but remember, it is not one big happy family, there can be two happy families now..don't put your mother or dad in a place they do not want to be in..he has a new wife, and maybe your mother has a new husband, respect that. It may not be your choice, but it is theirs..the most stupid pictures where the ones she put her father in with his exwife...they are not one big happy family...either put everyone in the picture or take two pictures, ones they both might to hang on their walls of their homes...not a fairy tale picture...hope you stopped to think of a few things from a different view....there are "Cinderella" weddings, and real life weddings...good luck, be happy..Sally

[swelch]

I have yet to see divorced parents at a childs wedding enjoying oneself. It's always been a strained, complicated affair. Good luck.