anger issues

[anababy1]

Okay so I am coming to ask you guys about my fiancee.. Now I am not saying that he hits me or anything like that but i was wondering what you guys would say about arguements.. I mean we rarely argue. I am guessing that with statistics i would say that we have a fight about every 1 out of 15 days.. But when we do argue it is really bad.. then there are the usual tears and "I'm Sorry" type things.. what do you think? :(

[Marsha]

what are you fighting about? daily life, compromising, sex, money, etc. what ever it is find out how to fix them with out fighting. Maybe its just some compromising of both parties. The most important part is this, its not that you fight. it is how you fight. Dont go to bed mad(an age old truth) and before it gets so heated and you get so raged, step back for a minute and choose your battles. is it really that important to you to get upset? maybe it is just "his way" there are 10 ways to do every 1 thing. keep an open mind and jsut breathe through things.



listen,evaluate, and communicate then have some great make up sex! :p

[SusanM18]

It sounds as though you two really might need to talk to one another about it and see if you could even go to some sort of relationship counselor who might be able to teach you both how to deal with your anger towards one another in an argument.
I think it's ok to have arguements, but they have to be healthy enough that you both learn something and it helps to strengthen the relationship.

[SarahK]

I have a tendency to get very hotheaded when FH and I fight. I truly believe that although I have a short fuse, I don't really have an anger problem. I have learned that it helps to remove myself from the situation and calm down for a few minutes before we resume to conversation. Sometimes FH has to remind me of that though. He'll politely tell me that we might need to take a break and calm down for a minute. Thats the key though... he has to be delicate when telling me this or else I will really get mad. lol

[anababy1]

I have a tendency to get very hotheaded when FH and I fight. I truly believe that although I have a short fuse, I don't really have an anger problem. I have learned that it helps to remove myself from the situation and calm down for a few minutes before we resume to conversation. Sometimes FH has to remind me of that though. He'll politely tell me that we might need to take a break and calm down for a minute. Thats the key though... he has to be delicate when telling me this or else I will really get mad. lol


That is exactly how i am.. However my fiance doesn't want to take time to cool off. He needs to talk things through. And sooner or later no matter how calm things start out i always end up yelling at him and things like that.. He doesn't like me to stay mad but the way that he comes at me gets me more upset.

[anababy1]

It sounds as though you two really might need to talk to one another about it and see if you could even go to some sort of relationship counselor who might be able to teach you both how to deal with your anger towards one another in an argument.
I think it's ok to have arguements, but they have to be healthy enough that you both learn something and it helps to strengthen the relationship.


We are seeing a marriage counselor for six to eight weeks b4 the wedding..That should be fun..lol

[anababy1]

what are you fighting about? daily life, compromising, sex, money, etc. what ever it is find out how to fix them with out fighting. Maybe its just some compromising of both parties. The most important part is this, its not that you fight. it is how you fight. Dont go to bed mad(an age old truth) and before it gets so heated and you get so raged, step back for a minute and choose your battles. is it really that important to you to get upset? maybe it is just "his way" there are 10 ways to do every 1 thing. keep an open mind and jsut breathe through things.





listen,evaluate, and communicate then have some great make up sex! :p



We fight about the stupidest thaings, dishes, school, ex's.. I really think that i pick with him for no reason.and you are rigth.. Make up sex is like no other.

[Kelly1Mickey]

Well, I am no professional so I can only share my personal experience.
How long have you 2 been together? I know for the first year or so, my FH and I got into some huge fights. But with time, we started to understand each other better. I started to recognize that sometimes when we fought it really had nothing to do with us at all. He would just be stressed or cranky about something and snap at me. And then I would jump on him for snapping and then the fight would just snowball. Now, if he snaps, I calmly either point it out or just take myself out of the situation (go outside or to the store or something). When I come back, he gives me a hug, apologizes and admits it had nothing to do with me. And it is the same the other way around. Everybody has 'cranky' days and once we realized this is what was fueling our fights, we really never fought anymore. That doesn't mean we don't have disagreements. But we don't fight about them, we either come to a compromise or just agree to disagree if the subject allows.

[SarahK]

That is exactly how i am.. However my fiance doesn't want to take time to cool off. He needs to talk things through. And sooner or later no matter how calm things start out i always end up yelling at him and things like that.. He doesn't like me to stay mad but the way that he comes at me gets me more upset.

Sometimes we have that problem too. Unfortunately FH is ADHD and it makes it hard for him to restart a conversation after a break, so he often doesn't like the cool down time. Sometimes its a necessary evil that we will just have to deal with. I don't like the feeling I have when I get angry and lose control of my emotions, so I often just have to be blunt and say, "I can't talk about this anymore right now", and just walk outside on the porch. He's not generally happy when I do that, but when I come back in, I just apologize and explain that I was just getting too heated and I didn't want to lose it and end up saying things I don't mean or resort to name calling just to hurt him like I am hurt. He does his best to try and understand and we just sit down and try again. There have been times (one time very recently) where we have had to just stop and pick it up again in a few days. This last one actually took several weeks to work through, but we did it and, although it was frustrating for both of us, we worked it out. We just had to know and express that although this problem is big, our love is way bigger - and that we have the time to work it out in a healthy way. It was a crappy few weeks, but we knew we'd find the solution one day, and we did.

I also agree with Marcia... sometimes you just have to pick your battles and decide whether you want what you're fighting for, or you just want to be right. This was a hard lesson for me to learn, but I got there and it has made thing much easier.

[anababy1]

Well, I am no professional so I can only share my personal experience.
How long have you 2 been together? I know for the first year or so, my FH and I got into some huge fights. But with time, we started to understand each other better. I started to recognize that sometimes when we fought it really had nothing to do with us at all. He would just be stressed or cranky about something and snap at me. And then I would jump on him for snapping and then the fight would just snowball. Now, if he snaps, I calmly either point it out or just take myself out of the situation (go outside or to the store or something). When I come back, he gives me a hug, apologizes and admits it had nothing to do with me. And it is the same the other way around. Everybody has 'cranky' days and once we realized this is what was fueling our fights, we really never fought anymore. That doesn't mean we don't have disagreements. But we don't fight about them, we either come to a compromise or just agree to disagree if the subject allows.


That might have something to do with it.. i am usually the one who is snapping on him though.. I feel so bad though because i get so mad that i tell him that i hate him. Eventually he ends up thinking everything is his fault when it isn't.. We have been together for about a year. And i have known him for 11 years.. He always says to me.." I love you no matter how mad you get. Because Ana, I knew you were a ***** b4 i fell in love with you.." LOL hes so cute

[Marsha]

when i saw a marriage coun. for my first marriage, i walked away even more ****ed. I knew at that point talking to some stranger wasnt going to help. Ive since realized that communication between the 2 of us was though. Harry and I dont fight, i we get upset,we instintly talk, we dont yell or scream at each other. It is in my nature to get loud(im tiny5'0) I have to be heard so sometimes we will get in a frenzie but we sit down, talk, go on tangents about things and then before we get up we make sure we have all the answers and questions out of the way. we talk about how to do things and how each other wants them done. I know it sounds all cozy and sweet, but sometimes the talks go on for hours and the feelings just pour out. some times the talk is done in 5 min. Patience, and remember that, he is not you, he is a part of you, so his thoughts can be and will be some times different.

[anababy1]

Sometimes we have that problem too. Unfortunately FH is ADHD and it makes it hard for him to restart a conversation after a break, so he often doesn't like the cool down time. Sometimes its a necessary evil that we will just have to deal with. I don't like the feeling I have when I get angry and lose control of my emotions, so I often just have to be blunt and say, "I can't talk about this anymore right now", and just walk outside on the porch. He's not generally happy when I do that, but when I come back in, I just apologize and explain that I was just getting too heated and I didn't want to lose it and end up saying things I don't mean or resort to name calling just to hurt him like I am hurt. He does his best to try and understand and we just sit down and try again. There have been times (one time very recently) where we have had to just stop and pick it up again in a few days. This last one actually took several weeks to work through, but we did it and, although it was frustrating for both of us, we worked it out. We just had to know and express that although this problem is big, our love is way bigger - and that we have the time to work it out in a healthy way. It was a crappy few weeks, but we knew we'd find the solution one day, and we did.

If i may ask.. What was the arguement? If you would rather not say then okay.. I try my hardest not to say hurtful things but my temper is really bad and i end up hurting him alot sometimes.

[anababy1]

when i saw a marriage coun. for my first marriage, i walked away even more ****ed. I knew at that point talking to some stranger wasnt going to help. Ive since realized that communication between the 2 of us was though. Harry and I dont fight, i we get upset,we instintly talk, we dont yell or scream at each other. It is in my nature to get loud(im tiny5'0) I have to be heard so sometimes we will get in a frenzie but we sit down, talk, go on tangents about things and then before we get up we make sure we have all the answers and questions out of the way. we talk about how to do things and how each other wants them done. I know it sounds all cozy and sweet, but sometimes the talks go on for hours and the feelings just pour out. some times the talk is done in 5 min. Patience, and remember that, he is not you, he is a part of you, so his thoughts can be and will be some times different.

That is so right.. I think that i will give that another try.. We tried that for a while but no matter how calm things start. They always get heated..Especially if i let my anger fester for a while. Then there is no turning around

[Kelly1Mickey]

That might have something to do with it.. i am usually the one who is snapping on him though.. I feel so bad though because i get so mad that i tell him that i hate him. Eventually he ends up thinking everything is his fault when it isn't.. We have been together for about a year. And i have known him for 11 years.. He always says to me.." I love you no matter how mad you get. Because Ana, I knew you were a ***** b4 i fell in love with you.." LOL hes so cute

When you get so mad that you want to say you hate him, try to walk away. Make it clear the problem isn't gone, you just need to walk away from it for a bit. I know this can be hard. My FH and I are both really stubborn, so we both like to stand our ground. But, let some time pass and see if you are really still upset. I have found that sometimes I forget what we were arguing about to begin with.

And never, ever leave without saying I love you and giving a hug and a kiss. No matter how mad you are. It sounds like you have a wonderful FH...he is very understanding!

[SarahK]

If i may ask.. What was the arguement? If you would rather not say then okay.. I try my hardest not to say hurtful things but my temper is really bad and i end up hurting him alot sometimes.

I don't mind sharing...

The argument was actually about a former friend of his (female friend) who has just recently come back into his life again. When he and I first got together, I met her once and she was really rude to me and acted very jealous that he and I were together. She continued to treat him like **** because of me and so he told her to go to hell for the most part.

Well, she called him a few months ago and it was like nothing had ever happened. Fh decided to let by-gones be by-gones. Granted, she had been going through some hard times, but she never apologized for her behavior to either of us. And that was ok with him. Anyway, during one of their phone calls, she invites herself up to visit (he moved 5 hrs away to be with me) and invites herself and another girl to stay in our house. Well, FH was kinda dumbfounded about this and didn't think to tell her that he should probably check with me first. So, needless to say, I was ******ed off.

Let me go ahead and say that I do not trust this girl. I know for a fact that she liked/had a crush on FH before we got together and thats why she treated me the way she did. It was obvious. Not that I blame her. FH is wonderful and kind. She was in an emotionally abusive relationship and FH was always there for her. He was her knight in shining armor- the only male in her life that did not treat her like *****. While I understand this and feel bad for her, it does NOT excuse her behavior toward me or make me comfortable with the idea of her spending the night in my house.

Firstly, I was upset that he did not consider my feelings about him having 2 girls that I didn't know up to my house for a weekend. I was very uncomfortable. Also, we were supposed to take them out to a bar one of the nights they were to be here to go drinking. My feelings were that adding alcohol to this situation was an extremely bad idea. It was just a bad idea from the get-go, and I was so upset that I didn't have a say in it at all. He understood that I was upset, but did not want to uninvite them because it would be rude. Ok, that made me even more mad. THEY were rude for inviting themselves to begin with. Not to mention how rude she was when I first met her.

So we fought for weeks over this. He was willing to tell them not come, ONLY if I told him to. Well, you ladies understand... I am NOT going to tell him to do that on principal. HE got us into this, and HE will make the choice as to whether or not he gets us out of this on his own. He knows how I feel about it, now its his choice.

Well, I can now say that he did the right thing. Luckily we had a family thing pop up, and he took advantage of that and told her that it would be a bad time for her to come up and then said that we would be going down there sometime soon to get me scuba certified and that we would hang with her when we go down (this was a smart move because he is keeping her out of my territory until I can have a chance to see if she has changed and will be nice to me for once). Anyway, everything is great now, I felt better and he felt better and they are still friends and talk occasionally and thats fine with me. I just needed to know that I was the most important one to him.

Whew.... long story. But thats how it went... it was a painful few weeks and I cried so much that I don't even want to imagine how soaked my pillow was!!! We made it through it all the yelling, tears, and hurt feelings and we're definately better off.

[reecey]

If you're screaming at him that you hate him, and he seems to understand that you're just in a mood or angry, there's still some things that YOU need to discover about yourself in my book. He understands now, but at some point and time, someone telling you that they hate you, when they're supposed to be the person that loves you the most is going to get old. Its not marriage councelling that you need. You need to go to individual councelling and find out where this kind of agression is coming from.

[Marsha]

jealousy, is a bad thing. but can be the right thing if there is a purpose. (in your situation i think there probably was a reason. However, I almost want to say that maybe you dont trust your FH? Yes she was rude to you, But you can change that. Kill with kindness. Then, she invited herself, however if your bf didnt say no, or let me check, or the so and so hotel down the street is pretty cheep, then he probably wanted her there. Think of what he wanted also. You really cant tell him what friends to have, or what to do all the time. lol but you can state your reasons for dislikeing her. With her bringing a friend, i highly doubt anything would have happened, that would be considered cheating. It was probably for the better that a friend would come with her, that way you 2 or just him, dosent have to do all the entertaining. Going to a bar would be o.k. also, that way theres so many people you cant really talk. I guess what im getting at there are 2 sides to everything. Step back from the situation for a minute and tell me, what the real issues where. besides being rude

[SarahK]

jealousy, is a bad thing. but can be the right thing if there is a purpose. (in your situation i think there probably was a reason. However, I almost want to say that maybe you dont trust your FH? Yes she was rude to you, But you can change that. Kill with kindness. Then, she invited herself, however if your bf didnt say no, or let me check, or the so and so hotel down the street is pretty cheep, then he probably wanted her there. Think of what he wanted also. You really cant tell him what friends to have, or what to do all the time. lol but you can state your reasons for dislikeing her. With her bringing a friend, i highly doubt anything would have happened, that would be considered cheating. It was probably for the better that a friend would come with her, that way you 2 or just him, dosent have to do all the entertaining. Going to a bar would be o.k. also, that way theres so many people you cant really talk. I guess what im getting at there are 2 sides to everything. Step back from the situation for a minute and tell me, what the real issues where. besides being rude

Actually, the trust issue is not with him, which is why I told him that it was up to him if she was to come up. I also do not deny him whatever friends he wants... if he wants to be friends with her and see her, thats fine. I was just not comfortable with having someone that I persoanlly didn't like in my house. I told him I am willing to give her another chance, but I want it to be on my own terms... not terms she forced on me. I mostly was angry and hurt that I was left out of the decision-making process and that my feelings on the matter were not considered at all. It was not nearly as much that I thought she had feelings for him... that was just fuel for the fire. I just felt like I deserved consideration because of the fact that she was a total ******** to me and never even acknowledged it.

Before the family issue popped up and gave us the option to get out of this all together, I told him that if he wanted her to visit and stay here, that I would be cordial and nice to her every second that she was in my house. However, if she even started in on any of the **** she did before, it was his responsibility to send her packing. I figured that was a fair arrangement considering the circumstances of her visit. I was really trying to be diplomatic... but in truth Marcia, I was so hurt that I didn;t know what to do with myself. I felt less important to him than her. To me, he seemed more worried about her feelings than mine. That was the major problem... not that I ever think he would cheat on me, but I am a person with feelings too.

[ca_dawson]

My FI has the problem with a short fuse and tends to pop off with something stupid before he even thought about it. For years, I was really good at "diffusing" his temper and dropping it since it was always over something stupid. Then it got to a point where I was working full time, in nursing school full time, interning in the ER on weekends and was just stretched to my limit and under alot of stress. During this point, I could no longer handle the short temper and my temper be***e shorter. We started fighting all the time because of this over everything from a conversation about a friend to where his socks were. Just stupid petty stuff that be***e a big deal overnight. FI blamed me for "changing" when in a sense I did. But then I pointed it out to him the way he gets so mad so easily. So, we both worked on things. I went back to the way I was before, but instead of just "diffusing" his temper, I pointed out what he said, the way he said it, and how that made me feel. Then he started realizing how he was coming off and now he tends to think more before saying something. I found outlets to my stress so I wouldn't blow up at him and bring the stress to him. Maybe you are under lots of stress and don't really know how to deal with it and end up using your fiance as an outlet. I think it's great that he deals with it so well, but you might want to work on not blowing up at him so often. He may get to a point to where he can't deal with it. If I remember correctly, you are in college and have a child. College alone is stressful enough. Maybe there is something that you can do together to relieve the stress, like taking a kickboxing class or something. Or you can just take some time every week to have some "me time" and go to the spa or go tan or get your nails done. You'll be amazed how much it helps to get stress under control.

[Marsha]

your feelings are valid, your human. im just seeing it from the outside. Your FH is a really sweet guy if he didnt want all 3 parties to get hurt.(you him her) Next time try getting him to say to her" sarah and i have a lot of things planned this weekend, i would love to catch up with you when i have some free time, ive gotten you some numbers to local hotels in the area" and that way it leaves the ball in her court. THEN if she decides she dosent want to come you can call her the cheep friend.

I guess the last few things ill say is this: misery loves company, and this chick got her jollies by making u 2 argue. Dont ever cry about her or for her again its not fair to you. somone once told me this " love is like the game survivor, out wit, out play ,out last, all other woman"

[SarahK]

your feelings are valid, your human. im just seeing it from the outside. Your FH is a really sweet guy if he didnt want all 3 parties to get hurt.(you him her) Next time try getting him to say to her" sarah and i have a lot of things planned this weekend, i would love to catch up with you when i have some free time, ive gotten you some numbers to local hotels in the area" and that way it leaves the ball in her court. THEN if she decides she dosent want to come you can call her the cheep friend.

I guess the last few things ill say is this: misery loves company, and this chick got her jollies by making u 2 argue. Dont ever cry about her or for her again its not fair to you. somone once told me this " love is like the game survivor, out wit, out play ,out last, all other woman"

Thank you for understanding, Marcia. I agree that she probably got what she wanted while we were fighting. This is one of the reasons I was willing to give in and just deal. And thank you for the advice, sounds good and I'll keep it in mind.

[anababy1]

When you get so mad that you want to say you hate him, try to walk away. Make it clear the problem isn't gone, you just need to walk away from it for a bit. I know this can be hard. My FH and I are both really stubborn, so we both like to stand our ground. But, let some time pass and see if you are really still upset. I have found that sometimes I forget what we were arguing about to begin with.

And never, ever leave without saying I love you and giving a hug and a kiss. No matter how mad you are. It sounds like you have a wonderful FH...he is very understanding!


Good advice.. A hug and a kiss woln't kill me..LOL

[anababy1]

I don't mind sharing...

The argument was actually about a former friend of his (female friend) who has just recently come back into his life again. When he and I first got together, I met her once and she was really rude to me and acted very jealous that he and I were together. She continued to treat him like **** because of me and so he told her to go to hell for the most part.

Well, she called him a few months ago and it was like nothing had ever happened. Fh decided to let by-gones be by-gones. Granted, she had been going through some hard times, but she never apologized for her behavior to either of us. And that was ok with him. Anyway, during one of their phone calls, she invites herself up to visit (he moved 5 hrs away to be with me) and invites herself and another girl to stay in our house. Well, FH was kinda dumbfounded about this and didn't think to tell her that he should probably check with me first. So, needless to say, I was ******ed off.

Let me go ahead and say that I do not trust this girl. I know for a fact that she liked/had a crush on FH before we got together and thats why she treated me the way she did. It was obvious. Not that I blame her. FH is wonderful and kind. She was in an emotionally abusive relationship and FH was always there for her. He was her knight in shining armor- the only male in her life that did not treat her like *****. While I understand this and feel bad for her, it does NOT excuse her behavior toward me or make me comfortable with the idea of her spending the night in my house.

Firstly, I was upset that he did not consider my feelings about him having 2 girls that I didn't know up to my house for a weekend. I was very uncomfortable. Also, we were supposed to take them out to a bar one of the nights they were to be here to go drinking. My feelings were that adding alcohol to this situation was an extremely bad idea. It was just a bad idea from the get-go, and I was so upset that I didn't have a say in it at all. He understood that I was upset, but did not want to uninvite them because it would be rude. Ok, that made me even more mad. THEY were rude for inviting themselves to begin with. Not to mention how rude she was when I first met her.

So we fought for weeks over this. He was willing to tell them not come, ONLY if I told him to. Well, you ladies understand... I am NOT going to tell him to do that on principal. HE got us into this, and HE will make the choice as to whether or not he gets us out of this on his own. He knows how I feel about it, now its his choice.

Well, I can now say that he did the right thing. Luckily we had a family thing pop up, and he took advantage of that and told her that it would be a bad time for her to come up and then said that we would be going down there sometime soon to get me scuba certified and that we would hang with her when we go down (this was a smart move because he is keeping her out of my territory until I can have a chance to see if she has changed and will be nice to me for once). Anyway, everything is great now, I felt better and he felt better and they are still friends and talk occasionally and thats fine with me. I just needed to know that I was the most important one to him.

Whew.... long story. But thats how it went... it was a painful few weeks and I cried so much that I don't even want to imagine how soaked my pillow was!!! We made it through it all the yelling, tears, and hurt feelings and we're definately better off.


I completely understand where you are coming from.. I was in a situation like that with my FH and I would've reacted the same way if I didn't quickly get it under control.. I simply said to him..." Do what you do. It's your choice but I am not going to tell you what to do." Then from then on i would not talk to him for longer then ten minutes because after that amt. of time i would say.."Are you still going out with those girl friends of yours this weekend?" And until he promised he wouldn't i just made up a reason to get off the phone or not go and see him... Sure i trust the man but i am sure you can understand...Men being put into those types of situations isn't my cup of tea..

[SarahK]

I completely understand where you are coming from.. I was in a situation like that with my FH and I would've reacted the same way if I didn't quickly get it under control.. I simply said to him..." Do what you do. It's your choice but I am not going to tell you what to do." Then from then on i would not talk to him for longer then ten minutes because after that amt. of time i would say.."Are you still going out with those girl friends of yours this weekend?" And until he promised he wouldn't i just made up a reason to get off the phone or not go and see him... Sure i trust the man but i am sure you can understand...Men being put into those types of situations isn't my cup of tea..

I agree...

Yes, I trust him. He would not just run out and cheat on me. But men are men. I believe in love and monogamy and that a man can love and be with one woman his whole life, however, I understand temptation as well and I know how easy it is to give in to temptation without much thought on the consequences. I figure that the less the opportunity for temptation, the better off everyone in the situation is. Its not that I don't trust my FH, he is wonderful and he loves me and he has always proven to be faithful. However, I don't trust other women who may intentionally try to tempt him. Does that make sense?

[anababy1]

I agree...

Yes, I trust him. He would not just run out and cheat on me. But men are men. I believe in love and monogamy and that a man can love and be with one woman his whole life, however, I understand temptation as well and I know how easy it is to give in to temptation without much thought on the consequences. I figure that the less the opportunity for temptation, the better off everyone in the situation is. Its not that I don't trust my FH, he is wonderful and he loves me and he has always proven to be faithful. However, I don't trust other women who may intentionally try to tempt him. Does that make sense?


That makes all the sense to me.. I trust him completely but like you said..There are always temptations.... I mean i know he loves me and everything but yes...men are men!! I sometimes go through his cell phone just to make sure ther arent any new numbers.. He knows better..LOL but no matter how much you love him or he loves you.....The best way to stay out of troulbe is to avoid it..

[SarahK]

That makes all the sense to me.. I trust him completely but like you said..There are always temptations.... I mean i know he loves me and everything but yes...men are men!! I sometimes go through his cell phone just to make sure ther arent any new numbers.. He knows better..LOL but no matter how much you love him or he loves you.....The best way to stay out of troulbe is to avoid it..

Now let me say this, I do not advocate invading his privacy. My FH and I live together, but I would not ever dream of going through his phone or email or anything like that. I think that if you feel the need to do that, you might need to step back and re-evalute your trust in him. You should allow him to have his friends and see them (even if they're female) but I do think that if something about the situation worries you, then there's probably a reason for it. If you can put more trust in him, he will probably prove to you that he deserves it. Don't check his phone unless you really have reason to suspect something. Its not fair to him to not have his space and privacy.