Help with my Mom!!!!

[Kevinjen2]

Hey everyone,
I am having a little, actually a LOT, of problems with my mom. We get along probably 50 percent of the time and the other she just hates me. My Dad and I think she may be bipolar because she is fine on minute, and screaming the next. When she found out that I was engaged, she didn't speak to me for a few weeks. She doesn't like my fiance because he does not come over enough, but she is not very nice to him when he does come over, so he basically gave up. We have been together for five years, and nothing is changing. She has said she will not come to the wedding and wants nothing to do with it or me. It makes me so sad becuase I really want her to help me with everything. Is anyone else in a similar situation, and if so, what are you doing to cope. The wedding is not until July 28, 2006, and I am hoping things will change before then. I am even putting off planning hoping for her to come around. Thanks!

Jen

[Kelly1Mickey]

How long has her emotions been so eratic? My Dad and I thought my mom might be bipolar for awhile too. Then we realized it was menopause! :p Fortunately, it is all over now. :D

[Kevinjen2]

How long has her emotions been so eratic? My Dad and I thought my mom might be bipolar for awhile too. Then we realized it was menopause! :p Fortunately, it is all over now. :D

She went to the doctors, but that wasn't the case. Its been this way for the past six years! I'm glad that everything worked out for you!

[reecey]

Hey everyone,
I am having a little, actually a LOT, of problems with my mom. We get along probably 50 percent of the time and the other she just hates me. My Dad and I think she may be bipolar because she is fine on minute, and screaming the next. When she found out that I was engaged, she didn't speak to me for a few weeks. She doesn't like my fiance because he does not come over enough, but she is not very nice to him when he does come over, so he basically gave up. We have been together for five years, and nothing is changing. She has said she will not come to the wedding and wants nothing to do with it or me. It makes me so sad becuase I really want her to help me with everything. Is anyone else in a similar situation, and if so, what are you doing to cope. The wedding is not until July 28, 2006, and I am hoping things will change before then. I am even putting off planning hoping for her to come around. Thanks!

Jen

Basically, it sucks, but you can't change people. You only have control over how one person acts and reacts, and that is you. I went through something quite similar my first time around with my mother. I just kept plowing through the plans, smiling the whole way. When she would make her comments, I would just smile and say "that's fine if that's your decision" and after a short time, she ***e around. She began to realize that it wasn't going to be all about her, and that if she wanted any attention whatsoever, she better get with that idea. It even ***e down to her telling me that if they offered overtime at work the day of my wedding she was going to take it instead of coming. I just smiled and said "that's fine - you're a grownup and you make your own decisions" that was really the last thing I had to deal with from her. She pulled the same crap with my sister. At the rehearsal, she threw a fit in the church because of seating arrangements with her, my dad, and my step mom and step dad. She called my dad just in tears after my mom screamed, ranted and raved on the phone with her for an hour after the rehearsal - my dad called me and had me talk to my mom which consisted of scolding her like a 5 year old for making her daughter cry on the eve of her wedding and telling her that she can sit her behind where she's told or she can sit it at home. The next day she was as pleasant as can be and she made her own decision - she decided to act her age and come to the wedding :)
Sometimes parents turn into "bridezilla via proxy" they want to live it all and plan it all, but they know they can't so they turn into a monster. This seems especially true when the mother of the bride is already seeming to have some emotional issues - I know mine was. so now that I've completely run on and on, just hang in there. don't put off your planning. Just make sure she has an open invitation to help you at any time she chooses. Leave it open and just hope for the best. Don't stew over her decision and let it turn into a bad decision for yourself.

[Kevinjen2]

That was some awesome advice, and I really appreciate it. Thank you for giving me your opinion, sometimes its nice to hear someone elses perspective. I am going to make this day about me, and include her, and if she wants to come then great, if not, oh well!

[reecey]

That was some awesome advice, and I really appreciate it. Thank you for giving me your opinion, sometimes its nice to hear someone elses perspective. I am going to make this day about me, and include her, and if she wants to come then great, if not, oh well!


I'm glad you feel better about it. Believe me, my mother is a handful - a few of us kids that are a little more in tune with ourselves are constantly running interference and putting on the "defensive tackles" when at family events heh

[Fortknox81]

I have very recently got engaged, and already my mom is trying to control the whole thing and telling me that she doesn't want to have anything to do with the wedding if it is at my fiance's church. That is the only thing he really wanted, so of course i said that would be fine! but my mother is making up the strangest excuses on why its so bad that its at his church. I have no idea what to do, I don't want to hurt him and have it somewhere else, but my mom will not budge on what she wants the wedding to be. I know they would be really mad if we said we are going to pay for it ourselves and they can come if they want, but i would like her to be a part of it! I would love to just start planning and not have her throw a fit at every little thing :(

[reecey]

Don't budge. Its YOUR wedding, not HERS. Let her know in a kind manner that you really want her involved, but this is the way it is. The wedding location is already set and that you value her opinion on the wedding details, but this is one thing that she doesn't have a say in.

[Marsha]

dont talk about the church, if she ask's change the subject. Or you can polietly say, we've picked our location and its final. This is probably one small hurdle u will have with her. Mom's for what ever reason love to take over. this is the time to show her you can make great decisions, and she can either be on board or in a life raft

[shannabelle]

I also think it could be a control issue. Do you think that maybe your mother doesn't want that location because she wasn't able to choose it or because she didn't get to approve the decision?

[Kelly1Mickey]

Please don't change the location to please her. You already told your guy that you would have the wedding there. Believe me, I understand how hard it can be to stand up to mom, but this is one area you just have to. If there is something you absolutely feel passionate about (like this location), the you need to put your foot down. This is the beginning of a new stage in your life. If you bend now, your mom might expect you to bend later with other things all through this new part of your life (think children and how she will want you to raise then HER way).

[miguelsbridetobe]

I have very recently got engaged, and already my mom is trying to control the whole thing and telling me that she doesn't want to have anything to do with the wedding if it is at my fiance's church. That is the only thing he really wanted, so of course i said that would be fine! but my mother is making up the strangest excuses on why its so bad that its at his church. I have no idea what to do, I don't want to hurt him and have it somewhere else, but my mom will not budge on what she wants the wedding to be. I know they would be really mad if we said we are going to pay for it ourselves and they can come if they want, but i would like her to be a part of it! I would love to just start planning and not have her throw a fit at every little thing :(


My wedding is not for some time and my mom is trying her hardest to plan my wedding the way she wants it. She did not object about the church because she does not have a church home and my FH and I attend the same church. However, she is complaning about the type of dress I want and the colors. I know how you feel. Every time my mother and I disagree she stops talking to me for weeks. It hurts but sometimes I have learned that you have to do with out mom sometimes and maybe this is the beginning. It is hard believe me but it will bring you and your FH closer together.

[Fortknox81]

That is so comforting to know that other girls are having this problem!! Are you paying for your own wedding? I have a feeling that is what needs to happen... Anyway, thank you all for such great advice! I feel like i can go face her now and actually have something to say! :)

[miguelsbridetobe]

That is so comforting to know that other girls are having this problem!! Are you paying for your own wedding? I have a feeling that is what needs to happen... Anyway, thank you all for such great advice! I feel like i can go face her now and actually have something to say! :)

My mother is helping and my father is a part time dad so right now My FH and I are making the plans according to our own budget and if they want to help than we will except the help, hear their input and then make our own decision.

[Lacey]

My fiance and I are paying for most of our wedding. I wouldn't have it any other way. We (mostly me) have complete control over what we want. So, when I bring up an idea to mom or my FMIL or anyone else they know that their response is only opinion, but also wanted since I did't have to ask what they thought. Now, our parents are helping out. But, they are doing it because they both want to and have the means to. However, if stipulations started to come with checks, their help would no longer be accepted and if it meant that we had to have house brands instead of top shelf, so be it, that would be OUR decision to make.

[kyzmit]

I just realized how so totally lucky I am. First, my father's paying for pretty much everything to do with the wedding. Second, he's totally hands off. I asked my mom about my budget once, since they never really set one, and she said "What do you think your budget is?" I said "cheap" and she said "That sounds fine." They've never told me that anything's too expensive. When I said I didn't want filling in the cake because it costs more and isn't necessary, she ignored me and got raspberry filling because she knows we'll like it more. Any time I give her a wedding expense, she just writes me a check.

My parents have had very few complaints about the wedding and don't meddle in our decisions. His parents... have meddled a little bit, but when we put our foot down, they listen. My only complaint is that we're paying for a lot of the things that the groom's family traditionally pays for, or foregoing them since we would have to pay for them and we're broke. Well... the complaint isn't really that they're not paying for things... the complaint is that they act like they're spending a fortune when all they're doing is the rehearsal dinner, her dress, his tux, and their hotel for 2 nights. It's just annoying that my father's spending $10K and willing to spend more and they act like $1K is too much for their only child's wedding.

Anyways, so I'm incredibly lucky and really feel bad for all you guys that aren't as lucky. And it's easy for me to say "tell them to shove it" when I'm not having problems... but it is your wedding and if they're not going to pay for the wedding *you* want, they're just wasting their money.