Future Mother In Laws!!! Ahhhh

[PrincessBride5-21-05]

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Hi everyone, I have really enjoyed seeing everything from a brides point of view. I have been reading for 3 days before I decided to start my own. I don't know if I am being crazy or not but I am having SERIOUS issues with my FMIL. She is such a control freak, and its her way or the highway. First of all we have been engaged for 10 months now and we will be getting married May 21, 2005, on a sun-set river cruise with 50+ close friends and family. The battle had begun from day one. Financial situation being big issue. We all (my family, his family) decided to do this the "Traditional way". Which is basiaclly my family pay for everything and they do the rehersal dinner. My FMIL wanted the wedding to be at the church were my FH grew up. Well not only is it 500 miles from were me and my FH live, But it is a Church that had no preacher, no music, no nothing (it has totally fallen apart)2# problem, she didn't like the colors I picked. Cranberry and Ivory. She says they will not look good on my Brides maids. Then when she saw my dress she had something to say, about back fat hanging over.(I mean c-mon girls who wants to hear that about a dress they have already bought to wear on there most special day EVER) But the problem is now she is flaking out and not wanting to pay for the rehersal dinner along with other "traditional items" marriage lic, bride bouquet, groom cake, and thats IT!~ Well I feel that we should have the rehersal dinner at a nice romantic location, and she is saying freakin Joe's Crab Shack (how romantic) We are hearing every excuse in the book about her budget yet she can go on $ vacations and buy herself a brand new Mustang and anything for herself. Since my FH father passed away she is going through a second child hood and thinking only of herself. I have tried to stand up to her but it winds up backfiring and her and my FH gettting into it which then I feel as if I started the whole thing. I feel as if she is up-set about her oldest son getting married and she is trying to ruin the whole thing. Like I said every bit of input she has had is negitive. Am i just being stupid , I mean shouldn't she consider what we want for the rehersal dinner. She is saying we can check things out but it is her final desicion. And that since she didn't have part of planning the wedding that this is going to be what she wants. I feel that it is Mine and my FH wedding and we have made things the way WE want them. Please give me some feed back and let me know future brids. I am having so many issues with her (fmil) please tell me I'm not the only one having problems !

Really Stressing Steph

[esp1087]

I think all of us have had problems with the FMIL. I know that I have and my fiance has had problems with my parents (especially my dad). It is important that you and your fiance stick together. You should have a talk with him. I know that I had to have a talk with my fiance. You are getting married so you have to know that you are on each other's sides. Also, if you have a problem with his mom, it would be best to have him talk to her. Just as you should talk to your parents if there is a problem with them. At least, that has worked for us.

As for where your rehearsal dinner will be... My opinion is if she is paying for it than she should have final choice. That is why I am glad we are paying for everything. I do think it would be nice if she would listen to your opinion, but I think the final decision should be hers on that. How does your fiance feel about it? If he doesn't like the restaurant choice for the rehearsal dinner, you should ask him to talk to his mom. Otherwise, I would choose not to make a huge deal out of it. You don't want him to think that you are attacking his mom. At least you would have a rehearsal dinner and she would be paying. Most people won't remember the rehearsal dinner anyway. It is the wedding and reception that they will remember...

Just my opinion... Good luck, and hope things go great! Oh, and I'm getting married May 22, 2005! The day after you... pretty cool...

Elizabeth

[MauiGirl]

By far you are not the only one having problems with their FMIL. ;) Dear if she's not willing to do it the way you and you FH would like it then tell her thanks but NO thanks. I understand that it's not cheap to have a rehearsal dinner but don't you think you would have a better time doing what you want? Pay for it yourselves then you don't have to go to "Joe's Crab Shack!" You wouldn't have to do anything that she tells you too if you didn't want to. It's just a suggestion. Good luck and remember it yours and your FH wedding so have it the way YOU want it. :)

[PrincessBride5-21-05]

I think all of us have had problems with the FMIL. I know that I have and my fiance has had problems with my parents (especially my dad). It is important that you and your fiance stick together. You should have a talk with him. I know that I had to have a talk with my fiance. You are getting married so you have to know that you are on each other's sides. Also, if you have a problem with his mom, it would be best to have him talk to her. Just as you should talk to your parents if there is a problem with them. At least, that has worked for us.

As for where your rehearsal dinner will be... My opinion is if she is paying for it than she should have final choice. That is why I am glad we are paying for everything. I do think it would be nice if she would listen to your opinion, but I think the final decision should be hers on that. How does your fiance feel about it? If he doesn't like the restaurant choice for the rehearsal dinner, you should ask him to talk to his mom. Otherwise, I would choose not to make a huge deal out of it. You don't want him to think that you are attacking his mom. At least you would have a rehearsal dinner and she would be paying. Most people won't remember the rehearsal dinner anyway. It is the wedding and reception that they will remember...

Just my opinion... Good luck, and hope things go great! Oh, and I'm getting married May 22, 2005! The day after you... pretty cool...

Elizabeth

Thank you Elizabeth,
You know before I found this place I was made to belive I was a crazy person about having the feelings I have. But I am so glad to see I'm not the only one. I have tried to communicate with his mother, I told her as far as the wedding "when communication does not exsist, misunderstandings happen" which I think is true. She talks to her son my FH and then he realys the message. Which totally puts him in the middle. I am very grateful for her paying for our rehersal dinner, but I wish she just had a little more consideration for OUR feelings. Actually some progress happened today and we will be having it at my cousians house and having it catered. So it will be nice and comfortable! So thats good! And Congrats Elizabeth on you and your hunny the next day!~

[PrincessBride5-21-05]

By far you are not the only one having problems with their FMIL. ;) Dear if she's not willing to do it the way you and you FH would like it then tell her thanks but NO thanks. I understand that it's not cheap to have a rehearsal dinner but don't you think you would have a better time doing what you want? Pay for it yourselves then you don't have to go to "Joe's Crab Shack!" You wouldn't have to do anything that she tells you too if you didn't want to. It's just a suggestion. Good luck and remember it yours and your FH wedding so have it the way YOU want it. :)


Maui Girl,

Thank you for your reply. I wish my FH and I were in the financial situation were we could pay for it ourselves. But, we are also having our first home constructed which he and I and my family are also paying for. I just know that planning a wedding around everyone else and having our new home creates a huge stress on our realtionship, I am just glad to see a light now. I used to feel like there was no light. I wish people would just understand that there demands only want you to pebale even more! Good luck! And what do you girls think a good Honeymoon spot is??

[esp1087]

Maui Girl,

Thank you for your reply. I wish my FH and I were in the financial situation were we could pay for it ourselves. But, we are also having our first home constructed which he and I and my family are also paying for. I just know that planning a wedding around everyone else and having our new home creates a huge stress on our realtionship, I am just glad to see a light now. I used to feel like there was no light. I wish people would just understand that there demands only want you to pebale even more! Good luck! And what do you girls think a good Honeymoon spot is??
There are SO many good honeymoon spots.. The better question is what is your honeymoon budget??? What are you interested in? Tropical vacation? Skiing??? Tourist areas? Museums and history? Where do you live? I live in Michigan, and my fiance and I are going to Hawaii for 9 days. It will cost us around $4,000 for the flight and hotel (which includes breakfast daily and an ocean view room that is why it was more expensive.). We wanted to go to Hawaii really bad. We actually saved $600 by going with a different travel agency than originally quoted.

There are many destinations around me that wouldn't cost as much but would be very beautiful... Niagara Falls, Toronto, Tahquamenon Falls, Chicago, Mackinaw, etc. It really depends largely on your budget.

Good luck!

[reecey]

I think all of us have had problems with the FMIL. I know that I have and my fiance has had problems with my parents (especially my dad). It is important that you and your fiance stick together. You should have a talk with him. I know that I had to have a talk with my fiance. You are getting married so you have to know that you are on each other's sides. Also, if you have a problem with his mom, it would be best to have him talk to her. Just as you should talk to your parents if there is a problem with them. At least, that has worked for us.

As for where your rehearsal dinner will be... My opinion is if she is paying for it than she should have final choice. That is why I am glad we are paying for everything. I do think it would be nice if she would listen to your opinion, but I think the final decision should be hers on that. How does your fiance feel about it? If he doesn't like the restaurant choice for the rehearsal dinner, you should ask him to talk to his mom. Otherwise, I would choose not to make a huge deal out of it. You don't want him to think that you are attacking his mom. At least you would have a rehearsal dinner and she would be paying. Most people won't remember the rehearsal dinner anyway. It is the wedding and reception that they will remember...

Just my opinion... Good luck, and hope things go great! Oh, and I'm getting married May 22, 2005! The day after you... pretty cool...

Elizabeth

My FH and I are very lucky - I have zero problems with my FMIL (she was a little slow getting me the guestlist but I'm also impatient :P ) My mother I take care of her - I don't allow her to be annoying to him, or really to me. My dad is my best friend and already a father to FH. FH's dad is out of the picture - his real dad is dead and his stepdad pretty much ignores him after him and FMIL got divorced.

[Lacey]

Most of us here have mother in law problems. For some reason something happens to normal sane women when their son buys a diamond ring. Scientist should study this phenomenon. I have found the best way to deal with it is to either ignore it and hope the sanity returns before I get back from my honeymoon. Or, just smile politely and say, "Allright, I'll think about that." then just do whatever you want to anyway. That way she at least feels appeased. As for the Joe's Crab Shack rehersal dinner issue. I am with you. I don't think I would want my rehersal dinner there. But maybe she is thinking of it in terms of her cost and labor. Could you suggest another equally priced restaurant that you and your fiance felt was more appropriate? Maybe she just doesn't want to be bogged down with work in the days leading up to her son's wedding and she is worried about money. If for some reason she won't bend, you could just say thanks but no thanks. I know you said that you were concerned about money. Believe me, every one of us on here are. Do something kinda kitschy intead, have a backyard BBQ with a romance theme. Just go to a paper supply store and get all kinds of romance inspired decorations. Get little fairy lights and string through the trees of yours or a generous friend/family members yard. Put candles on the tables and use a lot of red, pink, and white or very rich colors. Think along those lines. You just have to think outside the box. Put your mind to it and you can get what you want.

[reecey]

Most of us here have mother in law problems. For some reason something happens to normal sane women when their son buys a diamond ring. Scientist should study this phenomenon. I have found the best way to deal with it is to either ignore it and hope the sanity returns before I get back from my honeymoon. Or, just smile politely and say, "Allright, I'll think about that." then just do whatever you want to anyway. That way she at least feels appeased. As for the Joe's Crab Shack rehersal dinner issue. I am with you. I don't think I would want my rehersal dinner there. But maybe she is thinking of it in terms of her cost and labor. Could you suggest another equally priced restaurant that you and your fiance felt was more appropriate? Maybe she just doesn't want to be bogged down with work in the days leading up to her son's wedding and she is worried about money. If for some reason she won't bend, you could just say thanks but no thanks. I know you said that you were concerned about money. Believe me, every one of us on here are. Do something kinda kitschy intead, have a backyard BBQ with a romance theme. Just go to a paper supply store and get all kinds of romance inspired decorations. Get little fairy lights and string through the trees of yours or a generous friend/family members yard. Put candles on the tables and use a lot of red, pink, and white or very rich colors. Think along those lines. You just have to think outside the box. Put your mind to it and you can get what you want.

I love Joes! great food! :) but that's me :) If we had a Joe's here, I'd SO have my rehearsal dinner there! But that's me and that's my cheesey style haha :) I guess i don't look at the rehearsal dinner as a formal event - its a kick back and enjoy your time with your family and friends before the big day - I've attended both formal and informal and I feel more comfortable at the informal so I've decided that's me, but my sister felt way more suited at a formal rehearsal dinner. Either way is fine but its what the BRIDE wants :)

[PrincessBride5-21-05]

Well, I thought things were looking up but I guess not. I am getting calls now from all my out of townnfriends asking if the wedding is still on.( A little background) Chase and I met in B-ham Alabama were we both lived. I moved to Fl for family reasons and he moved here to be with me. So we both have alot of friends in Al still. And his mother still lives there. Well obviosily she has told people that would wedding is off and she is happy about it. It is pretty embarassing when people call and aak you that after they get an invitation. Like I have said before she has tried to demolish the whole thing from day one. We were having a few problems but not having the wedding called off. I mean what should I say when people call. I want to say that stupid B*&#* . But that won't solve anything. And yea things are lookng up as far as the Rehersal dinner/ we are having it at my cousians house near the beach and having it catered. It will be very nice. At least this way I can make it romatic. It just sucks because I am so not excited aboutt he wedding anymore. I am not looking forward to see her. She has said so many horrible things to me. And if she does anything to up-set me my family is going to go off on her and then MORE drama!~ And she is the photographer (which she insisted) Abd my parents arent exactly happy about her taking the pictures. Whou knows what she is capabile of. She is also making my parents buy there own pictures which I hate and throwing it in my face of how much money she is saving us. But I have tried to hire my own photographer. And my FH won't have that. Plus she is not going to be able to take part as a mother if she is taking pictures. She don't want a corsaige! It is all a mess

[nle5]

Is there anyone on your side of the family who takes wonderful pictures? If so, ask them to take pictures as well. Then you can decide which pictures you want to keep from both his mother and your relative. I think she is being controlling and needs to be put in her place. If your FH will not do this then you need to and it needs to happen rather quick. Maybe it is time for your parents to have a discussion with her and let her know she needs to stop controlling the event and be happy for the two of you. Who is paying for your wedding? If your parents are paying for part of the wedding I would ask them to hire a photographer. If the FH asks about the photographer being hired let him know your parents took it upon themselves to hire one. If he complains let him talk with your parents about the situation.

[MauiGirl]

Well, I thought things were looking up but I guess not. I am getting calls now from all my out of townnfriends asking if the wedding is still on.( A little background) Chase and I met in B-ham Alabama were we both lived. I moved to Fl for family reasons and he moved here to be with me. So we both have alot of friends in Al still. And his mother still lives there. Well obviosily she has told people that would wedding is off and she is happy about it. It is pretty embarassing when people call and aak you that after they get an invitation. Like I have said before she has tried to demolish the whole thing from day one. We were having a few problems but not having the wedding called off. I mean what should I say when people call. I want to say that stupid B*&#* . But that won't solve anything. And yea things are lookng up as far as the Rehersal dinner/ we are having it at my cousians house near the beach and having it catered. It will be very nice. At least this way I can make it romatic. It just sucks because I am so not excited aboutt he wedding anymore. I am not looking forward to see her. She has said so many horrible things to me. And if she does anything to up-set me my family is going to go off on her and then MORE drama!~ And she is the photographer (which she insisted) Abd my parents arent exactly happy about her taking the pictures. Whou knows what she is capabile of. She is also making my parents buy there own pictures which I hate and throwing it in my face of how much money she is saving us. But I have tried to hire my own photographer. And my FH won't have that. Plus she is not going to be able to take part as a mother if she is taking pictures. She don't want a corsaige! It is all a mess


Okay my first advice would be take a deep breath. This is a hard situation to be in and I'm sorry that you have to go threw it. I know that your wedding is getting close (a little over a month) but I think that you really need to sit down with your FH and express the way that his mom is making you feel and your concerns about her taking the wedding pictures. I would suggest getting disposable ***eras! ;) If you FMIL decides to do something stupid like cut you out of pictures or whatever atleast you would have your disposables to fall back on. Matter of fact disposables are my only photographer for my reception.
Now for your friends calling to see if your wedding is still on.... just tell them that they were misinformed and that you are truly sorry about the confusion. Tell them if there are any changes (which there won't be) you or your FH will be the ones informing them.
I know how you feell about loosing the excitement about your wedding b/c I unfortunately went through it. I would have to say that things have a crazy way of working themselves out and that you will get the excitement again just try not to let them get you down; focus on your FH and how wonderful everything will be. :) I hope I helped; good luck.

[Lacey]

I am SO sorry you are going through all of this drama. It is totally not fair of your future mother in law to drain the excitment of your wedding from you. It is also not fair that your fiance is allowing her to do this without standing up for you. Point that at to him. Unfortunately he is the poor guy in the middle. No one wants to upset their mom that they love. On the other side no one wants to upset their spouse whom they have chosen to spend the rest of their life with. But, she doesn't sound like the regular uptight mother in law who is a little uneasy about letting her little man go. If you don't nip this in the bud right now I have a feeling you are going to battle the rest of your time on earth with her. If he won't say something to her about getting her act straight you are going to have to. I have a feeling you two are going to have words sooner or later anyway. The sooner it happens, the sooner you can move on. I agree with the other girls, you need to have someone else do the pictures. Sadly, photographers are super expensive and book up fast. But, since your parents have to pay for their own pictures anyway I would hire my own photographer. Maybe if there is an art school in the area, you could see about getting one of their students to do the work. Just ask for a portfolio of their work first. When you fiance or his mother say something about it, simply reply with "Since they have to pay for their own pictures anyway, they just wanted to make sure they got exactly what it is they envisioned." As for her telling the family and friends that they wedding was cancelled and she was happy, do you have voice mail? I would just put a message on there stating something like, "Contrary to what has been said, our wedding on (insert your date) will take place according to the invitatin information that you received. If you have any questions please feel free to leave a message and we will return your call as soon as possible." It will prevent you from getting upset everytime someone calls and you have to retell the story. If you get REALLY lucky maybe she will call and hear it and FINALLY get the picture.

[Kelly1Mickey]

I think Lacey's voicemail idea is perfect!

[reecey]

Well, I thought things were looking up but I guess not. I am getting calls now from all my out of townnfriends asking if the wedding is still on.( A little background) Chase and I met in B-ham Alabama were we both lived. I moved to Fl for family reasons and he moved here to be with me. So we both have alot of friends in Al still. And his mother still lives there. Well obviosily she has told people that would wedding is off and she is happy about it. It is pretty embarassing when people call and aak you that after they get an invitation. Like I have said before she has tried to demolish the whole thing from day one. We were having a few problems but not having the wedding called off. I mean what should I say when people call. I want to say that stupid B*&#* . But that won't solve anything. And yea things are lookng up as far as the Rehersal dinner/ we are having it at my cousians house near the beach and having it catered. It will be very nice. At least this way I can make it romatic. It just sucks because I am so not excited aboutt he wedding anymore. I am not looking forward to see her. She has said so many horrible things to me. And if she does anything to up-set me my family is going to go off on her and then MORE drama!~ And she is the photographer (which she insisted) Abd my parents arent exactly happy about her taking the pictures. Whou knows what she is capabile of. She is also making my parents buy there own pictures which I hate and throwing it in my face of how much money she is saving us. But I have tried to hire my own photographer. And my FH won't have that. Plus she is not going to be able to take part as a mother if she is taking pictures. She don't want a corsaige! It is all a mess


Let her do her thing and be out of your hair! When you look back on your wedding album, you're not going to miss her, that's for sure - but when she looks back on the pictures, she's going to realize she's not in them with her son. SHE made the decision - let her deal with it until death do you and your soon-to-be new hubby part :)

[PrincessBride5-21-05]

:) Well, I finally took charge and settled as far as the cater. So the rehersal dinner is settled. Now my FH and FMIL are at odds. She says "she don't know who he is anymore" and she is ready to right him off, and she is not going to even come to the wedding. But she is just flapping her jaws. I know she will be there and right up in the middle of everything. She is just up-set because we originally we having the wedding in b-ham and she was is control b/c it was me trying to plan from another state. So things would of been left to her. And my family be the one to travel , get a hotle room etc. The big diffrence is i have a huge family I can think of 25 + people off the top of my head that would have the travel. He had 7 people coming from his family. And if my parents are paying for the whole thing then we should not be the ones to go out of the way! But i am starting to get my excitment back towards the wedding. I have anough to freak over besides his mom. My b-maids dress are 2 weeks late!!! And I still have no clue as far as good music for the receptions and what the b-maids could march in to?? Any sugestions (first dance, bride-dad dance, mrach in/out etc. Give me some ideas girls!!!

[garycastinggroup]

Hello Steph,
We are working on Casting a new TV show and we need Future Husbands that DO NOT get along with their Future Mother in laws....
The TV show will try and resolve the problems between them.....

If you are interested OR if you know of anyone that may fit this please have then contact us ASAP at :garycastinggroup@yahoo.com

Thank you so much ,
Gary









undefinedundefinedundefined

Hi everyone, I have really enjoyed seeing everything from a brides point of view. I have been reading for 3 days before I decided to start my own. I don't know if I am being crazy or not but I am having SERIOUS issues with my FMIL. She is such a control freak, and its her way or the highway. First of all we have been engaged for 10 months now and we will be getting married May 21, 2005, on a sun-set river cruise with 50+ close friends and family. The battle had begun from day one. Financial situation being big issue. We all (my family, his family) decided to do this the "Traditional way". Which is basiaclly my family pay for everything and they do the rehersal dinner. My FMIL wanted the wedding to be at the church were my FH grew up. Well not only is it 500 miles from were me and my FH live, But it is a Church that had no preacher, no music, no nothing (it has totally fallen apart)2# problem, she didn't like the colors I picked. Cranberry and Ivory. She says they will not look good on my Brides maids. Then when she saw my dress she had something to say, about back fat hanging over.(I mean c-mon girls who wants to hear that about a dress they have already bought to wear on there most special day EVER) But the problem is now she is flaking out and not wanting to pay for the rehersal dinner along with other "traditional items" marriage lic, bride bouquet, groom cake, and thats IT!~ Well I feel that we should have the rehersal dinner at a nice romantic location, and she is saying freakin Joe's Crab Shack (how romantic) We are hearing every excuse in the book about her budget yet she can go on $ vacations and buy herself a brand new Mustang and anything for herself. Since my FH father passed away she is going through a second child hood and thinking only of herself. I have tried to stand up to her but it winds up backfiring and her and my FH gettting into it which then I feel as if I started the whole thing. I feel as if she is up-set about her oldest son getting married and she is trying to ruin the whole thing. Like I said every bit of input she has had is negitive. Am i just being stupid , I mean shouldn't she consider what we want for the rehersal dinner. She is saying we can check things out but it is her final desicion. And that since she didn't have part of planning the wedding that this is going to be what she wants. I feel that it is Mine and my FH wedding and we have made things the way WE want them. Please give me some feed back and let me know future brids. I am having so many issues with her (fmil) please tell me I'm not the only one having problems !

Really Stressing Steph

[pampaulin]

After reading some of the future mother in law stories it really concerns me why someone would want to get involved with this kind of family. I never had this kind of problems until after i had kids then it all started with the terrible mother in law. By this time i could only think of the lives of my kids. had i known what kind of mother in law i had ( as most of you all do ) in the beginning, i would have re-thought the whole thing. It will only get worse for you after you marry the guy and have kids. My biggest question to you all, to make it worth your time to go thru with the marriage, is " does your future husband stick up for you, truely?" that is what will make the difference. is he really man enough to confront his mommy and take up for you, his wife....
if he is and has proven it then go ahead and marry the man. if not then leave the boy for another girl. it only brings resentment.