dream wedding ruined by nightmare family - pls help!

[Bridezilla!]

When my FH and I became engaged, we agreed we would elope. It wasn’t until a couple of months after we became engaged that my Dad & step-mother very kindly offered us money, either to have a wedding or to invest. The amount was for roughly half of what your average wedding would cost. My fiancé & I thought about this for a while, and finally came to the conclusion that we might regret not having our friends & family present on the big day. I personally thought about the trials & tribulations within my side of the family since my parents’ divorce 14 years ago, and so thought a wedding would be a nice way to bring everyone together in peaceful celebration, for once. My fiancé & I agreed we wanted a smaller size wedding (60 people) as anymore than this would feel too overwhelming & we might not get to mingle with all of the guests on the day. This also worked out well, because that meant we could afford to pay the little extra to have the ceremony & reception at a beachside venue where we had our first date & where my fiancé eventually proposed. Just prior to booking the venue, I spoke with my FMIL about the venue & the guest allotment. Like the reaction we got from my Dad & step-mom, & from my Mom & step-dad, she said “do what you want, it’s your day.” It wasn’t until my FH’s parents moved to the same city as us that the problems with my FMIL began. Basically, she revealed that the 60 person allotment was too small to accommodate the people in her family who HAVE to be invited and whom she CANNOT offend. She added that the reason why she didn’t speak up beforehand was because she was “depressed” at the time that she was living too far away to have much to do with the wedding, so she didn’t see the point in giving her input. As you can imagine, arguments ensued, but my FH & I stood our ground & said we wouldn’t change the venue – she was too late, and it wasn’t our fault she gave us the wrong impression before. Also prior to booking the venue, the problems with my mom started. She insisted that no one from her side of the family would be able to fly in from Europe, so a smaller venue would work for her too. I found out later, however, that her REAL reasons for saying this had to do with the fact that she has some unresolved issues with my aunts & uncles & didn’t really want them flying out to stay with her. When my FH & I travelled to Europe last year, my aunts, uncles, and grandma asked us if they were invited to the wedding & we said yes, but we didn’t expect them to make the trip due to their financial/health circumstances. Well, we got the surprise of our lives when they said they would all come, plus two of my teenage cousins that have to travel with my uncle, & who he wouldn’t feel right leaving at my mom’s place while he & my aunt come to the wedding. Next, the problems started with my step-mom (I have posted about this before) and needless to say, my step-mother’s WHOLE family is coming now, meaning, the only room I have left is for my girlfriends and not their common-law spouses (I’ve posted about this before too). I have told my girlfriends about the situation, and a couple of them said they don’t agree with their partners not being invited, or even just being invited for after-dinner dancing. They said they are insulted, & after all, their gifts would be from BOTH them & their partners, but that they understand my predicament & would still like to come to the wedding themselves. Gee, somehow it didn’t feel too supportive, but I can’t deny that I see their reasons for being offended. Frankly, it’s a miracle that my friends can even come to this wedding because my FH’s friends were cut completely off the list by his mother, and she thinks I’M being unfair to still invite my friends when my FH doesn’t get to have any there anymore.

To top it all off, my sister, my MOH, doesn’t get along well with my Mom, who has been trying to arrange a bridal shower for me. They have already been arguing over it and me & my Mom can’t understand why she is also being so controlling over what the mother-of-the-bride should wear, and also what the other bridesmaids (my little half-sisters) should wear. She also wanted my mom to change the date of the bridal shower from a Sunday to a Saturday so she could plan the bachelorette party for right afterwards on the same Saturday evening. Basically, I’ve come to the conclusion that my MOH can’t be bothered to make any arrangements herself, and would prefer to just piggy-back off of my Mom gathering everyone together. My MOH is extremely difficult to get a hold of – it feels like I have to chase after HER so she doesn’t have to deal directly with my Mom too often. She also doesn’t offer to help me with anything, and just all around doesn’t seem to care unless it has to do with controlling what people wear, and even then, she seems to be all talk and no action.

With respect to the reception planning, my FMIL & I are presently disagreeing over the alcohol issue. My FH & I don’t drink, and my Dad’s side of the family are prone to getting REALLY embarrassingly drunk at any kind of family function. Last year, we thought we had compromised with my FMIL in saying that we would have an open bar until dinner (“cocktail hour” after the ceremony) and then wine with dinner & cash bar afterwards. She seemed okay with this, but is now bringing up the subject of “drink tickets” which she will purchase for HER guests only (by the way, the groom’s parents are paying half for the reception, so my fiancé & I are using the leftover money from my Dad to go on a cheap honeymoon). MY FMIL seemed surprised when we said we would go on a honeymoon because she didn’t think we could afford it, and no matter how many times I try and explain it, she doesn’t seem to get that by upping the costs for the groom’s side, that takes away from my Dad’s funds so that we can’t go on a honeymoon anymore & I can’t ask my Dad for anymore money than he has already generously provided.

There are other little details here & there, but the above chapter pretty much sums up how frustrating planning this wedding has been & how it’s becoming so difficult to even look forward to the wedding day, which is in less than four months. If we were to call it off now, we would lose all our deposits and still have to pay the caterers for a minimum number of guests, which would basically be a few thousand down the drain. We would also get the wrath of our parents and many relatives who have already booked expensive plane tickets. Even if we were to still go ahead with a cancellation and elope instead, I know my FH would be really disappointed, as he now has his heart set on a wedding. I, on the other hand, would be resentful for the rest of my life how my family & his mother managed to ruin the most important day of my life & force me to elope. Needless to say, they’re all very good at making their demands, backed by the fact that they’re paying for it, but they offer no help & when I try and take the initiative, they won’t give me straight answers. I know this sounds bitter, but I told my FH the other day that I bet I could dress up a complete stranger in my dress & veil & send her down the aisle instead of me, and no one would notice! This day is all about everyone else and their petty demands and they could care less about the pressure I am under to rectify things, otherwise, they would refuse to attend. At least my friends, having their partners cut out, are still wanting to attend & not giving me ultimatums about etiquette.

Basically, I am going through with this wedding somehow, and I would appreciate any suggestions on how to think more positively about it. Thanks so much!

[esp1087]

I don't know how much this will help, but here goes....

My fiance and I are paying for everything. We have total control over the wedding and reception (I love the line, "Well, we're paying for it, so that is how it will be."). It is hard to pay for everything especially since my fiance just got laid off from his job of 6 years. At least, your wedding is being paid for....

It is not unusual for a wedding guest list to explode. We had planned on inviting about 220 people, but the list got to about 260 before invites were sent out. We like you had to compromise a lot to keep people happy, but we stuck with the central idea that we would first do what made us happy.

I know you are having a ton more problems that we have (although believe me there have been some conflicts here too) but try to think of it as your day and let the rest stay in the background. I am always daydreaming about walking down the aisle toward the love of my life, the first dance, etc. Try to envision the happy things you have to look forward to! I also can't wait to go on the honeymoon...

My maid of honor has been awesome. She has been so helpful, easy to get ahold of, and always there when I need her. I wish you were as lucky... If I were you, I would sit your maid of honor down and have a heart-to-heart chat with her. Maybe you can clear up the issues with her that way.

Good luck... I hope that helps.

Elizabeth

[Bridezilla!]

I don't know how much this will help, but here goes....

My fiance and I are paying for everything. We have total control over the wedding and reception (I love the line, "Well, we're paying for it, so that is how it will be."). It is hard to pay for everything especially since my fiance just got laid off from his job of 6 years. At least, your wedding is being paid for....

It is not unusual for a wedding guest list to explode. We had planned on inviting about 220 people, but the list got to about 260 before invites were sent out. We like you had to compromise a lot to keep people happy, but we stuck with the central idea that we would first do what made us happy.

I know you are having a ton more problems that we have (although believe me there have been some conflicts here too) but try to think of it as your day and let the rest stay in the background. I am always daydreaming about walking down the aisle toward the love of my life, the first dance, etc. Try to envision the happy things you have to look forward to! I also can't wait to go on the honeymoon...

My maid of honor has been awesome. She has been so helpful, easy to get ahold of, and always there when I need her. I wish you were as lucky... If I were you, I would sit your maid of honor down and have a heart-to-heart chat with her. Maybe you can clear up the issues with her that way.

Good luck... I hope that helps.

Elizabeth

Elizabeth,

Thank-you for your input. Yes, I do agree that focussing on that walk down the isle towards my FH is something that helps to keep me going..... it's just that I wanted to share that joy with the other guests/relatives there too, but when it feels like almost everyone will have some little gripe about the way I've done things, or is only there because things were done according to what they feel is "proper" (otherwise, I had some relatives on both my mom's & dad's side threaten to not attend at all), then I wonder why these people even want to be there for me & if I made a serious error in judgment assuming after all these years that they actually cared about *me* (with the exception of my step-mother, of course!). I also agree that certain things would be a lot easier if my MOH was more supportive. She is helpful when it comes to fashion about what the b-maids will wear, or what my mom should wear, yet even though she is full of opinions (when I get a hold of her) she doesn't act on things we plan. For instance, I booked *three weeks in advance* an appointment to try on wedding dresses with her & she cancelled on me the day before because she wanted to go apply for a job as a waitress. I understand employment is important, but with my part-time job & full-time school to manage too, I could not just ditch plans like that - I had to go ahead with the dress appointment myself, which didn't make me feel too good. :( Anyway, she doesn't know this yet, but I have bought beautiful diamond earrings for her as a MOH gift, for being such a special sister to me and also for all of her "help" with the wedding plans :confused: How should I broach the subject of getting more support from her without coming off too demanding or like me & my mom are ganging up on her?

~Thanks!

[iviissbrandi]

First off I'd like to commend you for writing out your frustrations because believe it or not it does help...it means you figured out what your upset over.... Now you need to take a deep breath and relax...this is not good for you to feel! I'm not sure if I misunderstood what's written above or not but it sounds to me like you have stuck to your guns about some things ... if others are asking the impossible...well it's just that and you need to voice this to them...
As far as your MOH >>Tell her you need her with you...that you love some of her ideas but really depend on her to make them come thru...heck...you bought her diamonds! (I wanted to make you laugh, hope it worked) I'd work for those any day! (I'm not just saying that because my maid is looking over my shoulder at this very moment...hehe) but her not being there for the big "shop days" (as we like to call them) is really inconsiderate...I can understand the job and all but she gave a promise to help you when she took on her title as matron/maid.....
You have to let things go in one ear and out the other...breath and relax! or you could do what I found to be effective:
**Wait till everyone is around and when the stress starts put your hand on your head and drop like a ton of bricks...they will leave you alone!
I don't know if this was advice or what but I really hope it was of some help!

[reecey]

First off I'd like to commend you for writing out your frustrations because believe it or not it does help...it means you figured out what your upset over.... Now you need to take a deep breath and relax...this is not good for you to feel! I'm not sure if I misunderstood what's written above or not but it sounds to me like you have stuck to your guns about some things ... if others are asking the impossible...well it's just that and you need to voice this to them...
As far as your MOH >>Tell her you need her with you...that you love some of her ideas but really depend on her to make them come thru...heck...you bought her diamonds! (I wanted to make you laugh, hope it worked) I'd work for those any day! (I'm not just saying that because my maid is looking over my shoulder at this very moment...hehe) but her not being there for the big "shop days" (as we like to call them) is really inconsiderate...I can understand the job and all but she gave a promise to help you when she took on her title as matron/maid.....
You have to let things go in one ear and out the other...breath and relax! or you could do what I found to be effective:
**Wait till everyone is around and when the stress starts put your hand on your head and drop like a ton of bricks...they will leave you alone!
I don't know if this was advice or what but I really hope it was of some help!


I agree - its hard to take others "criticism" about your ideas. What I've decided to do is, for those who aren't married, I say "hey! that's a great idea! let me write that down and we'll save it for your wedding!" and I make sure to be really enthused about it. Or for those that are married, if its something they did at their wedding say "that's really beautiful! I remember when you did it at your wedding - I wouldn't want to copy you" or "that made your wedding really unique - I hope to find something like that to make mine unique!" It seems to work to have a positive attitude about their ideas while keeping your own ideas rolling :)

[esp1087]

Elizabeth,

Thank-you for your input. Yes, I do agree that focussing on that walk down the isle towards my FH is something that helps to keep me going..... it's just that I wanted to share that joy with the other guests/relatives there too, but when it feels like almost everyone will have some little gripe about the way I've done things, or is only there because things were done according to what they feel is "proper" (otherwise, I had some relatives on both my mom's & dad's side threaten to not attend at all), then I wonder why these people even want to be there for me & if I made a serious error in judgment assuming after all these years that they actually cared about *me* (with the exception of my step-mother, of course!). I also agree that certain things would be a lot easier if my MOH was more supportive. She is helpful when it comes to fashion about what the b-maids will wear, or what my mom should wear, yet even though she is full of opinions (when I get a hold of her) she doesn't act on things we plan. For instance, I booked *three weeks in advance* an appointment to try on wedding dresses with her & she cancelled on me the day before because she wanted to go apply for a job as a waitress. I understand employment is important, but with my part-time job & full-time school to manage too, I could not just ditch plans like that - I had to go ahead with the dress appointment myself, which didn't make me feel too good. :( Anyway, she doesn't know this yet, but I have bought beautiful diamond earrings for her as a MOH gift, for being such a special sister to me and also for all of her "help" with the wedding plans :confused: How should I broach the subject of getting more support from her without coming off too demanding or like me & my mom are ganging up on her?

~Thanks!

I've learned in life that it is a fact you can never make everyone happy, so just try to make the most important people, you and your fiance, happy. You are the ones that should enjoy this day, and it should be yours. I know it is hard to think that others are going to complain, but trust me... There are some people that no matter what you do they will always find something to complain about. Just take a deep breath, relax, and keep in focus what you and your fiance want. That is most important.

I would just sit your MOH down (just you and her so she doesn't feel ganged up on) and discuss what is bothering you. For instance, tell her that you had expected her to be more involved and more helpful. You would like her to commit to helping you with _______________ (fill in the blank) or you want her to plan a unique bachelorette party all by herself without your mom's input. Tell her that you think she could come up with some really fun and creative ideas if she tried, and you really want to see what she could do for the party. Try to give her positive encouragement....

Hope that helps...

[Bridezilla!]

Hi,

I just wanted to thank all of you for your posts. Having other brides-to-be tell me to relax really made me perk up & listen (when other people say it, it has zero effect!). Seriously though, it's one thing to tell myself to relax, and quite another to make this actually happen!! When I have work & full-time school on the go, a non-supportive family, and friends who are only available in limited amounts (or who have a chip on their shoulder that they're not a bridesmaid, so why would they want to help), the list of tasks starts to add up & it all feels like a chore as opposed to something fun to do. My FH can only do so much - he works 12-hour days & is also (apparently) making arrangements for us to move while I focus my free time on most of the wedding plans. As for my MOH, I would try some of your suggestions, if I could just get a hold of her!! Even if I show up unannounced, she's not home. She finally called me back for the first time yesterday and ranted about how she's "so busy," "too stressed" and pressed for time to even explain why. I personally don't feel that her schedule is that hectic - I have twice the workload she does, but I understand that stress tolerance varies from person to person. To my surprise, she actually asked me if I would just leave it up to HER to get junior bridesmaid dresses for my little sisters on her own time. That way, there would be less schedule conflicts between us in order to get together. When I told her I was beginning to feel uneasy about how insistent she & my step-mother seem to be about my being excluded from dress shopping, she said, "you're being stupid" and she would see about getting together with me on Friday to look at dress fabric (I won't hold my breath!). I couldn't get another word in, as she rambled on again about her schedule and then abruptly hung up. I can see that she's having a stressful time with other things in her life, but I could not believe the way she talked to me, and with her apparent inability to handle much right now, I wouldn't trust her to get the dresses sorted out on her own. I don't think I'm being unreasonable... the wedding is in THREE months, and we literally HAVE NOT SET FOOT in ONE store for the purpose of finding junior bridesmaid dresses. What makes it more complicated is that my MOH is also my younger 22-year-old sister, so there could be a lot of family backlash if people regard me as "being on her case." I am very hurt because I don't think she's at all interested in being my MOH - I think she just planned on showing up for the wedding and that's it. I have caused tension with a couple of life-long friends over the fact that they were not selected to be bridesmaids, and while my friends' behaviour is disappointing, with the way my MOH is acting, I wish I could go back in time and select one of my friends instead. My sister's behaviour at the moment just doesn't feel worth the fact that I blew off my friends. I have tried being assertive with my MOH in saying that the junior bridesmaid dresses need to be a high priority right now, and the only response I get is, "I know, you've mentioned that several times now." What am I supposed to do with this? How am I supposed to handle all of the things on my plate right now, plus help my FH look for a new apartment? I can't do all of this myself!! I am sitting at home with the flu right now & it wouldn't surprise me if stress is the cause.

What do stressed out brides do to relax & stay sane?

Thanks! :o

[reecey]

Hi,

I just wanted to thank all of you for your posts. Having other brides-to-be tell me to relax really made me perk up & listen (when other people say it, it has zero effect!). Seriously though, it's one thing to tell myself to relax, and quite another to make this actually happen!! When I have work & full-time school on the go, a non-supportive family, and friends who are only available in limited amounts (or who have a chip on their shoulder that they're not a bridesmaid, so why would they want to help), the list of tasks starts to add up & it all feels like a chore as opposed to something fun to do. My FH can only do so much - he works 12-hour days & is also (apparently) making arrangements for us to move while I focus my free time on most of the wedding plans. As for my MOH, I would try some of your suggestions, if I could just get a hold of her!! Even if I show up unannounced, she's not home. She finally called me back for the first time yesterday and ranted about how she's "so busy," "too stressed" and pressed for time to even explain why. I personally don't feel that her schedule is that hectic - I have twice the workload she does, but I understand that stress tolerance varies from person to person. To my surprise, she actually asked me if I would just leave it up to HER to get junior bridesmaid dresses for my little sisters on her own time. That way, there would be less schedule conflicts between us in order to get together. When I told her I was beginning to feel uneasy about how insistent she & my step-mother seem to be about my being excluded from dress shopping, she said, "you're being stupid" and she would see about getting together with me on Friday to look at dress fabric (I won't hold my breath!). I couldn't get another word in, as she rambled on again about her schedule and then abruptly hung up. I can see that she's having a stressful time with other things in her life, but I could not believe the way she talked to me, and with her apparent inability to handle much right now, I wouldn't trust her to get the dresses sorted out on her own. I don't think I'm being unreasonable... the wedding is in THREE months, and we literally HAVE NOT SET FOOT in ONE store for the purpose of finding junior bridesmaid dresses. What makes it more complicated is that my MOH is also my younger 22-year-old sister, so there could be a lot of family backlash if people regard me as "being on her case." I am very hurt because I don't think she's at all interested in being my MOH - I think she just planned on showing up for the wedding and that's it. I have caused tension with a couple of life-long friends over the fact that they were not selected to be bridesmaids, and while my friends' behaviour is disappointing, with the way my MOH is acting, I wish I could go back in time and select one of my friends instead. My sister's behaviour at the moment just doesn't feel worth the fact that I blew off my friends. I have tried being assertive with my MOH in saying that the junior bridesmaid dresses need to be a high priority right now, and the only response I get is, "I know, you've mentioned that several times now." What am I supposed to do with this? How am I supposed to handle all of the things on my plate right now, plus help my FH look for a new apartment? I can't do all of this myself!! I am sitting at home with the flu right now & it wouldn't surprise me if stress is the cause.

What do stressed out brides do to relax & stay sane?

Thanks! :o


I would ask another bridesmaid that I could trust to step up to the plate. I'm sure that she'd be willing
stop trying to control the uncontrollable. that will be a good start. don't take people's reactions or lack of reactions so seriously. I know you're getting close to crunch time and you might just have to buy the girls dresses off the rack - nothing wrong with that at all. Talk to your stepmom and see if she can have the girls at the dress shop that you and your MOH have decided on - if the MOH doesn't show, proceed without her - have your stepmom give input instead.

[Bridezilla!]

I would ask another bridesmaid that I could trust to step up to the plate. I'm sure that she'd be willing
stop trying to control the uncontrollable. that will be a good start. don't take people's reactions or lack of reactions so seriously. I know you're getting close to crunch time and you might just have to buy the girls dresses off the rack - nothing wrong with that at all. Talk to your stepmom and see if she can have the girls at the dress shop that you and your MOH have decided on - if the MOH doesn't show, proceed without her - have your stepmom give input instead.

Hi Receey,

Sorry, I guess I wasn't too clear in my post. I only have three in my bridal party (my sisters): MOH & 2 junior bridesmaids. There is no other bridesmaid to ask to step up to the plate. My stepmother & I don't get along & she has explained that she would prefer not to come along for the dress fittings. She'll go with my MOH if need be, but not with me. She said this to me personally. Yeah, I know that's pretty messed up. But that's what I got dealt in terms of family support. Any other thoughts? Thanks.

[nle5]

Hi Receey,

Sorry, I guess I wasn't too clear in my post. I only have three in my bridal party (my sisters): MOH & 2 junior bridesmaids. There is no other bridesmaid to ask to step up to the plate. My stepmother & I don't get along & she has explained that she would prefer not to come along for the dress fittings. She'll go with my MOH if need be, but not with me. She said this to me personally. Yeah, I know that's pretty messed up. But that's what I got dealt in terms of family support. Any other thoughts? Thanks.

Is there anyway to pull a friend in to help with the girls attire? Maybe one of your friends will be willing to help out with this since nothing is getting done. If not then I guess you might have to get the dresses off the rack at a store. If your sister (MOH) is saying she is too busy to help out then you might want to consider getting a friend to be another MOH as well. There is nothing wrong with having two MOH's.

Good luck!!

[reecey]

Hi Receey,

Sorry, I guess I wasn't too clear in my post. I only have three in my bridal party (my sisters): MOH & 2 junior bridesmaids. There is no other bridesmaid to ask to step up to the plate. My stepmother & I don't get along & she has explained that she would prefer not to come along for the dress fittings. She'll go with my MOH if need be, but not with me. She said this to me personally. Yeah, I know that's pretty messed up. But that's what I got dealt in terms of family support. Any other thoughts? Thanks.


Well, you're in a pickle - but maybe you can pretend to "eat crow" and go back to your stepmom, tell her she was right and ask for her help. You know you're doing it to get your way and she seems passified and dignified as well. I've dealt with my stepmonster and her family for years. We get along great now - thankfully. I guess your other option would be for your two little sisters to attend the wedding and choose other bridesmaids or to get their sizes and buy off the rack. Your stepmom will look like an arse if she doesn't allow the girls to be in the wedding at the last minute, and everyone will know she's the reason.