Not so best man

[lizabeth25]

My fiance and I are in a bit of a disagreement over who his best man should be, he wants his best friend to be best man, but the problem is that he and I don't get along.
The best friend/man has never really liked me and is very rude and insulting every time i'm around. I've been civil with him, avoiding situations where he will be around, and even sat him down to talk to him about how his insults and rude behaviour really hurt my feelings/make me feel uncomfortable. The best friend says it's because i'm a prude who lived a very sheltered life, and that he really does not care about how I fee.
I've also talked to my fiance about this situation, and he says that it's just the way his best friend is, and that he's really uncomfortable around women, and that I should just get used to it.(I don't think that's a good enough excuse to insult me they way he does. ie: calling me stupid, fat, ugly, and worst of all, keeps pictures of **** women around when he knows that i will be there. It's very degrading).
I've also tried to get my fiance to go to some sort of pre-marital counceling with me to try to resolve this topic, and even his friends have tried telling him that his best friend will just wrek our big day. ie:the best man toast. GULP!
I'm at my wits end, and have even said that if his best friend is going to be in the wedding party at all, then the wedding will be off.
Am I being irrational, or should I try to see things from my fiance's point of view?

[reecey]

My fiance and I are in a bit of a disagreement over who his best man should be, he wants his best friend to be best man, but the problem is that he and I don't get along.
The best friend/man has never really liked me and is very rude and insulting every time i'm around. I've been civil with him, avoiding situations where he will be around, and even sat him down to talk to him about how his insults and rude behaviour really hurt my feelings/make me feel uncomfortable. The best friend says it's because i'm a prude who lived a very sheltered life, and that he really does not care about how I fee.
I've also talked to my fiance about this situation, and he says that it's just the way his best friend is, and that he's really uncomfortable around women, and that I should just get used to it.(I don't think that's a good enough excuse to insult me they way he does. ie: calling me stupid, fat, ugly, and worst of all, keeps pictures of **** women around when he knows that i will be there. It's very degrading).
I've also tried to get my fiance to go to some sort of pre-marital counceling with me to try to resolve this topic, and even his friends have tried telling him that his best friend will just wrek our big day. ie:the best man toast. GULP!
I'm at my wits end, and have even said that if his best friend is going to be in the wedding party at all, then the wedding will be off.
Am I being irrational, or should I try to see things from my fiance's point of view?


I wouldn't necessarily say you're being irrational, but you do need to try and see things from his point of view. HE also needs to try to see things from YOUR point of view. Maybe if you sit down with him and rationally outline the events of the day and the possibilities of his friend embarassing you, etc. Make sure to do it rationally! Explain to your FH that if he's uncomfortable around women, its probably not going to be the best idea to put him in the spotlight WITH women. Its just going to make his friend very uncomfortable and then his actions, whether voluntary or involuntary are going to make EVERYONE uncomfortable.

One thing you might try is to not get upset around said "friend of the groom" - just let his comments blow over - he's only doing it because he's uncomfortable and misery loves company - if he can make you miserable, he's not alone - odd how the mind functions - or in some cases, malfunctions :)
I have a friend that was like this - it was all he could do to just try to get under my skin - when he saw that I didn't let it - he gave up and acted like the sweet dear that I know he is. He's one of my best friends now - every once in a while, he'll take a jab and I poke right back - its part of how we be***e friends and can be joked about now. Sometimes you have to combat absurd behaviour with absurd behaviour. You don't have to stoop to his level, but have a little fun with him. Just don't let him get to you - I think you'll see his attitude change. He was probably never taught how to properly act around women - so his defense mechanism of insults kicks in. Some people have nervous laughter, some sweat, some fidget - others get some strange form of tourettes and start blasting all the women they come in contact with

[koolade]

I dont think you are being irrational at all...the bridal party are supposed to support your marriage-and if i were in your situation i wouldnt feel that he is being supportive at all because of they way he treats you. Im sorry you have to deal with someone like that. but-he is your FH best friend so you might just have to go along with it. good luck.

[lizabeth25]

I've talked to both my FH and his friend,and we're still having issues because now his choice of BM does not want to be paired up with my MH, who is also my twin sister (identical). I told him that they don't have to walk down the isle together or anything, but he says that he dosen't want to be paired up with a mutant freak. (he thinks twins are mutants and that it's not natural and should not happen)

My FH said that i have to resolve this issue because he's being sent overseas (he's in the military) and won't be around to really be able to get into this, and that i should work with his friend to resolve this.

Any ideas? Do I now have the ablility to say who is and who is not the best man? Do i call it off? or do i just grin and bear it?

[reecey]

I've talked to both my FH and his friend,and we're still having issues because now his choice of BM does not want to be paired up with my MH, who is also my twin sister (identical). I told him that they don't have to walk down the isle together or anything, but he says that he dosen't want to be paired up with a mutant freak. (he thinks twins are mutants and that it's not natural and should not happen)

My FH said that i have to resolve this issue because he's being sent overseas (he's in the military) and won't be around to really be able to get into this, and that i should work with his friend to resolve this.

Any ideas? Do I now have the ablility to say who is and who is not the best man? Do i call it off? or do i just grin and bear it?


Well, you can attempt to talk to the best man. Your FH is going to have to understand that the problem is with the best man - the maid of honor isn't freaking out - eventually, he'll see what the issue is. Yes, you're going to have to deal with it - especially if your FH is going overseas. If the two of you can't compromise on this - think about what you're going to have issues with later on AFTER you're married........

[nle5]

Well, you can attempt to talk to the best man. Your FH is going to have to understand that the problem is with the best man - the maid of honor isn't freaking out - eventually, he'll see what the issue is. Yes, you're going to have to deal with it - especially if your FH is going overseas. If the two of you can't compromise on this - think about what you're going to have issues with later on AFTER you're married........


I totally agree with reecey. You need to sit your FH down before he goes overseas and get this figured out. Your FH should be willing to compromise with you about how to handle the situation and should NOT leave you in charge of figuring this out while he is overseas. Again, if you can't compromise about this then what will it be like once your married? Have you talked to your FH about calling off the wedding if you can't get this figured out? Does he know that your even thinking of calling the wedding off? Can you, your FH, and this bestman get together before your FH leaves to go overseas and have a serious talk?

Good luck!!

[koolade]

the way i look at it...your FH obviously isnt willing to budge, so why should you have to...after all she is your identical twin(and im assuming since twins have special connections that shes your best friend in the world too). besides, its not the best mans wedding so he doesnt get to decide and if he doesnt like it he should step down.

[MauiGirl]

To me this thread is very sad. :( I'm confused :confused: why isn't your FH sticking up for you? In almost every thread on this forum we hear lady's saying that this is your day I haven't once heard anyone say that to you. Listen; this is supposed to be one of the happiest days of your life and if you think that this person is going to mess it up and you have expressed your concerns about this to your FH and he still insists on having this person as BM then you have a problem... at least in my eyes. Ask yourself why is my FH having me deal with his best friend? Why isn't he dealing with him?

*Please remember that you are not a door mat and there is NOBODY that should ever talk to you the way this guy does. Stick up for yourself expecially since your FH won't. I hope that you get things worked out and I wish you the best.

[reecey]

To me this thread is very sad. :( I'm confused :confused: why isn't your FH sticking up for you? In almost every thread on this forum we hear lady's saying that this is your day I haven't once heard anyone say that to you. Listen; this is supposed to be one of the happiest days of your life and if you think that this person is going to mess it up and you have expressed your concerns about this to your FH and he still insists on having this person as BM then you have a problem... at least in my eyes. Ask yourself why is my FH having me deal with his best friend? Why isn't he dealing with him?

*Please remember that you are not a door mat and there is NOBODY that should ever talk to you the way this guy does. Stick up for yourself expecially since your FH won't. I hope that you get things worked out and I wish you the best.


Its supposed to be the happiest day of her FH's life too - its a real dilemma - I agree, the FH should take control of the situation, but she needs to put her foot down and stop accepting the abuse.

[MauiGirl]

Its supposed to be the happiest day of her FH's life too - its a real dilemma - I agree, the FH should take control of the situation, but she needs to put her foot down and stop accepting the abuse.

I completely agree with you, she NEEDS to put her foot down. I would think that if she's not happy then her FH shouldn't be happy. Not trying to be mean but when I'm upset I know that my FH isn't happy. ;) but then again I speak what is on my mind (which isn't always good). :rolleyes:

[lizabeth25]

Thank you all for your replies, they have been a huge help to me and my FH.

It's been a long and slow process, but my FH has started to see that when his best friend insults me, it's like insulting him as well (my FH). The two of them have sat down and discussed the situation and the outcome was to have my FH's friend not be at the wedding or reception dinner, because of potential problems with his behaviour.

I can say that I'm happy that the situation is looking like it's resolved for the time being, and let's hope it stays that way!

Thank you all once again.

[MauiGirl]

I'm glad to here that you and your FH sat down and talked. I hope things go well for you both. :)