Parents refuse to even help!

[Cashy98]

My boyfriend and I have been talking a lot about getting married (we're not offically engaged yet) and my parents flat out told me that they weren't going to even help pay for the wedding. My mom thinks we should run to the court house and call it good. My boyfriend and I have NO money. But I don't want to have a courthouse wedding. And I know if I don't have the nice wedding I've always dreamed of, I'll regret it. Don't get me wrong, just getting married would be wonderful... and I know being together is what really counts. But still, don't I deserve to have a nice wedding? The cost is the only thing holding us back. My mom said that they couldn't afford helping pay for a wedding. But I don't think that's necessarily true. They just bought a new truck! Are they being selfish? Am I being selfish? What can I do? This is so depressing. :(

[meligra27]

My boyfriend and I have been talking a lot about getting married (we're not offically engaged yet) and my parents flat out told me that they weren't going to even help pay for the wedding. My mom thinks we should run to the court house and call it good. My boyfriend and I have NO money. But I don't want to have a courthouse wedding. And I know if I don't have the nice wedding I've always dreamed of, I'll regret it. Don't get me wrong, just getting married would be wonderful... and I know being together is what really counts. But still, don't I deserve to have a nice wedding? The cost is the only thing holding us back. My mom said that they couldn't afford helping pay for a wedding. But I don't think that's necessarily true. They just bought a new truck! Are they being selfish? Am I being selfish? What can I do? This is so depressing. :(


HI I WOULDNT NECESSARILY SAY YOU ARE BEING SELFISH BUT YOUR PARENTS MAY NOT BE ABLE TO HELP PAY FOR THE WEDDING BECAUSE MONEYS TIGHT FROM GETTING THEIR NEW VEHICLE. THERE ARE SOME WAYS AROUND IT YOU CAN TALK TO FAMILY AND FRIENDS AND MAYBE THEY CAN HELP WITH MAKING FOOD FOR THE RECEPTION. IS THERE ANYONE YOU KNOW THAT MAY HAVE A BEAUTIFUL YARD THAT YOU COULD GET MARRIED IN? OR EVEN A PARK NEAR BY? THERE ARE DEFINATELY WAYS AROUND IT. ASK YOUR PARENTS IF THEY WOULD BE ABLE TO HELP AT LEAST A LITTLE BIT. IT MAY NOT BE YOUR DREAM WEDDING BUT IT MAY BE SATISFYING ENOUGH FOR YOU AND YOUR FH. WEDDING INVITATIONS YOU CAN MAKE YOURSELF. THERES TONS OF WAYS AROUND IT. HOPE THIS GIVES YOU SOME IDEAS. GOOD LUCK AND LET ME KNOW HOW IT COMES OUT FOR YOU.

[reecey]

My boyfriend and I have been talking a lot about getting married (we're not offically engaged yet) and my parents flat out told me that they weren't going to even help pay for the wedding. My mom thinks we should run to the court house and call it good. My boyfriend and I have NO money. But I don't want to have a courthouse wedding. And I know if I don't have the nice wedding I've always dreamed of, I'll regret it. Don't get me wrong, just getting married would be wonderful... and I know being together is what really counts. But still, don't I deserve to have a nice wedding? The cost is the only thing holding us back. My mom said that they couldn't afford helping pay for a wedding. But I don't think that's necessarily true. They just bought a new truck! Are they being selfish? Am I being selfish? What can I do? This is so depressing. :(


Not to be rude, but Yeah, you might be being selfish - but most of all, you're probably being inconsiderate to your parents situation. You don't know your parents financial situation. They may appear to be doing well, but you don't know what they're not showing you - parents don't share their financial well-being with their children - especially when it may seem bleak or strapped - because they don't want their children to worry. Sure, they just bought a new truck, but maybe that strapped them? If you're really hell-bent on that dream wedding, get yourself a savings account and save up - So you can't get married this year - save up and get married next year - maybe by then your parents will be able to help.
Like I said, I'm not trying to be rude or anything - I'm just of the philosophy that if you really want something and you want it your way, you should do it yourself. :)

[liajbridal]

Cashy98,
Do you know the real reason why your parents won't help? Have you managed to sit and talk with them to find out why? It may not necessarily be about money. If they refuse to help and you decide to get married anyway, you may be faced with the additional stress of them not wanting to attend the wedding.

I have 2 daughters (16 & 17). As a parent (not a wedding planner), if my husband and I felt strongly about not helping them with a wedding, it might be because we either didn't like the guy or thought that he wouldn't do a good job of taking care of our daughter (as far as our daughters are concerned, no one is good enough) just like my mom thought no man was good enough for me, or didn't have her best interests in mind.

Good Luck

[Cashy98]

Cashy98,
Do you know the real reason why your parents won't help? Have you managed to sit and talk with them to find out why? It may not necessarily be about money. If they refuse to help and you decide to get married anyway, you may be faced with the additional stress of them not wanting to attend the wedding.

I have 2 daughters (16 & 17). As a parent (not a wedding planner), if my husband and I felt strongly about not helping them with a wedding, it might be because we either didn't like the guy or thought that he wouldn't do a good job of taking care of our daughter (as far as our daughters are concerned, no one is good enough) just like my mom thought no man was good enough for me, or didn't have her best interests in mind.

Good Luck

You may have a point. I mean, they seem to like me boyfriend and everything (they ask him to come over CONSTANTLY and help them with things), but there could be a another reason why they don't want to help. I seriously don't think its really money that's the problem. I know that's what they say, but they always say that they don't have any money and then turn around and buy something expensive. It's hard for me to sit down with my mom and talk about things. It's not me that has the problem, it's her. She just won't tell anyone ANYTHING. Not even my dad! Oh well... maybe I need to try talking to my dad about it. At least I can get answers out of him.

[Cashy98]

Not to be rude, but Yeah, you might be being selfish - but most of all, you're probably being inconsiderate to your parents situation. You don't know your parents financial situation. They may appear to be doing well, but you don't know what they're not showing you - parents don't share their financial well-being with their children - especially when it may seem bleak or strapped - because they don't want their children to worry. Sure, they just bought a new truck, but maybe that strapped them? If you're really hell-bent on that dream wedding, get yourself a savings account and save up - So you can't get married this year - save up and get married next year - maybe by then your parents will be able to help.
Like I said, I'm not trying to be rude or anything - I'm just of the philosophy that if you really want something and you want it your way, you should do it yourself. :)

You're not being rude, you're just being honest. I know I might be being selfish here, but I'm not the only one. My parents told me they weren't going to pay for my wedding months before they bought their truck. They always talk about not having any money and yet they keep buying things! I think I am somewhat right in being selfish. I deserve to have a nice wedding, don't I? Don't we all need to be a little selfish sometimes? I think they should at least help with this since they have flat out refused to help me with anything else in my life. (College? You want to go to college?... You have a tumor? Oh, you need money for medical bills?) As for the savings account, I have one. Unfortunately, money doesn't stay in it for very long. Some bill always seems to come up. :( That's the story of my life... bills, bills, bills. I try to save, but I just don't make enough money to cover everything. Oh well, what's another couple of years. I'm sure my boyfriend and I will be legally married pretty soon anyway because we've been living together so long (going on 7 years now). :o

[nle5]

Cashy,
It seems to me that you are a bit bitter that your parents are not helping you pay for the wedding of your dreams when they have told you they cannot help out. What is the true meaning for your bitterness towards your parents? Have they helped another sibling financial and always turned you down? You mentioned college and something about a tumor in a previous post, could your parents be financial strapped from prior medical bills they may have had to pay? I am sure there is a major reason for them not being able to help with the wedding. What does your FH do for work? It also sounds like the two of you have a source of income that does not provide for all of your needs and yet your wanting to plan a wedding on top of all of that, I think that your parents are concerned with how long the two of you have been living together and NOT able to meet the bills and have extra money. Maybe the two of you can sit down with your parents and try to talk calmly with them to find out a way to pay for "the wedding of your dreams." Financial problems are always a concern in any relationship and marriage so now would be a good time to have a serious discussion between your fiance and you as well as your parents.

Good luck!

[reecey]

You're not being rude, you're just being honest. I know I might be being selfish here, but I'm not the only one. My parents told me they weren't going to pay for my wedding months before they bought their truck. They always talk about not having any money and yet they keep buying things! I think I am somewhat right in being selfish. I deserve to have a nice wedding, don't I? Don't we all need to be a little selfish sometimes? I think they should at least help with this since they have flat out refused to help me with anything else in my life. (College? You want to go to college?... You have a tumor? Oh, you need money for medical bills?) As for the savings account, I have one. Unfortunately, money doesn't stay in it for very long. Some bill always seems to come up. :( That's the story of my life... bills, bills, bills. I try to save, but I just don't make enough money to cover everything. Oh well, what's another couple of years. I'm sure my boyfriend and I will be legally married pretty soon anyway because we've been living together so long (going on 7 years now). :o


Welcome to the world of well....everyone. That's what happens - bills come, money goes.

[christina_rivard]

I have a few suggestions if you want to get married and have no money. I am going to assume that there is a college/university around you...contact a student that may be taking a clothing design program and see if he/she would like to make your dress (you pay for the material) and the student can add your dress to their portfolio. For flowers, have a few long stemmed flowers, it is cheap but elegant. As someone suggested, have your wedding outside perhaps in someones backyard. I know of weddings where people have made it a pot luck. If you explain to people that you want to get married but don't have a budget, they understand and it is all about celebrating your marriage, not how much money you have or don't have. Good luck with that!
As for your parents, some people have spending problems and do a very good job at hidding it. Just as soon as one debt is cleared another is made without any thought. I don't think you can make any assumptions about how much money they have if you have not sat down with them to see how much money comes in and how much money goes out.
Now I don't want to sound rude, but you had mentioned that you and your boyfriend have been living together for about 7 yrs. I think within that time the both of you knew that marriage was in the forcast. In regards to finances, I hear you, I am supporting 2 people on one salary while my finace finishes university and we have still be able to save up for our wedding. We have a jar that we dump all our change in every night and you would be surprised how much money you can get from that. I have always been told 'if there is a will there is a way'.

[Cashy98]

nle5-
Actually, those are probelms that I have had and my parents won't even help me out. You see... they never planned for my college education and they never saved a single cent. I wanted to go to college so I went (and am still going). It is very hard to work full time and try to go to school. I have no money for college and I have no money for bills, but I still find some way to make it work. As for the tumor... that's mine too. I have a pituitary tumor that I cannot afford to treat. I haven't gotten an MRI for about 2 years (and I'm supposed to get one every 6 months) because I simply cannot afford it. My insurance, unfortunately, does not cover things as well as I would like and the bills were kinda starting to add up. My parents, of course, didn't even try to help me. You said I should talk to my parents about where their money goes... well I know where their money goes. First they complain about not having any money for MONTHS and then they show up at my house tonight to show me carpet samples! I guess they're getting new carpet (that they really don't need, my mom just doesn't like the color of her old carpet) Sorry, I'm not trying to be rude or anything... I'm just frustrated.

Christina -
Yes! Yes! They definately have some spending problems!

[Cashy98]

Okay, you guys. I really don't want you to think I'm a bad person or that I'm just a huge complainy-butt. I guess I've just been having such a hard time lately, and I really want to have something special. I really do feel like my parents have failed me. Not just the wedding part... but my whole life. You just don't have any clue what they are like. They never really gave me and my brother anything. And I really don't have any other family than them. Anyways... my boyfriend told me to get some estimates for how much things will cost. We need to have an idea of what we need to save up for. Any ideas? And the people cooking for us is our reception is out... my mom hates to cook and I really don't have anyone else to ask. I just need some general estimates for specific aspects of a wedding.

[nle5]

First of all, sorry to hear that it is you that has the tumor. I do hope you will be able to get into the doctor soon to get that MRI that is desperately needed.

Second, I know how hard it is to be going to college and having to work; while I don't work a full time job right now I do have two girls that I have sole custody of and so that takes a lot of time. Money is always an issue when you attend college because it is so darn expensive. What college are you attending and what is your degree? I have a bunch of scholarship websites I can send to you via email if it would help you out. There are a lot of scholarships which do not get granted every year because they do not have people apply for them. I am more than willing to send you the information I have on scholarships if you would like them.

As far as wedding costs, they really vary depending on what general area you are living or are planning the wedding.
*** Some ways to cut costs for a place to have the wedding and reception are to ask if the church that you go to (providing that you go) will allow you to use their facilities for the wedding and reception. Most churches will allow you to marry in their facility, using their minister, without a cost if you have been a member of the church for awhile. Ministers will normally only charge a small amount and most will marry without a cost if they know you really well and then it is up to the couple to give them some type of monetary gratuity, usually between $50 - $100. With that said also ask if the church has a fellowship hall to have a reception. If so the church will usually have a kitchen in which to prepare meals and/or a cake and punch reception. If this does not work for you then think of having an outdoor wedding at a local park or even a local community center.
*** Think about the time of your wedding and have it when guests are not expecting a meal so that all you have to serve is cake and punch/tea/coffee. This will greatly reduce the costs of having to feed everyone a meal.
*** With dresses it really depends on what you are looking for and what in a dress. However, some ways to cut costs are to go to stores that have sales all the time. I know this past weekend when I went to a David's Bridal store they were having a sale that included wedding dresses for around $199. The dresses were nice but not what I was looking for but still got a good deal on my dress, slip, and corset bra that was needed for my dress I chose. The total was $619. If you know of someone that sews have them make your veil instead of buying one.
*** Use silk flowers and make your arrangements instead of having real flowers done by a florist. Buy the flowers when they are on sale. For example, I went to Joann's this week and bought a lot of flowers that are normally $5 a bunch that where on sale for $2.50 a bunch.

I hope some of these ideas help you out. I really do believe that every bride is entitled to having a wedding of her dreams. Good luck! :)

[cl_peterson]

I have some of the same bitterness that you have. I always thought my parents would be excited when I got married, and would spare no expense to give me the wedding of my dreams. So of course I cried when my parents reaction to my engagement was them telling me how cheap and fun their wedding was, and for me not to expect them to break the bank. As I tried to start planning a wedding and tried to get a feel what their contribution would be, I basically got a different answer every time, with an eventual "well, we think you should plan it with the idea that you are going to pay for it." Why won't they pay for my wedding? Because they are cheap. Yeah, I'm bitter, yeah I'm paying for my own wedding, yeah I am going to clean out my bank account, but looking at the bright side, I don't have to listen to what my mom wants, or pick a dress she likes, etc. I can do what I want without having to please them. So I guess try to look on the bright side. Now you just have to deal with what your groom wants, and I'd look into one of those bridal bargain books. There are some really good ideas out there for cheap yet elegant weddings.

[reecey]

I have some of the same bitterness that you have. I always thought my parents would be excited when I got married, and would spare no expense to give me the wedding of my dreams. So of course I cried when my parents reaction to my engagement was them telling me how cheap and fun their wedding was, and for me not to expect them to break the bank. As I tried to start planning a wedding and tried to get a feel what their contribution would be, I basically got a different answer every time, with an eventual "well, we think you should plan it with the idea that you are going to pay for it." Why won't they pay for my wedding? Because they are cheap. Yeah, I'm bitter, yeah I'm paying for my own wedding, yeah I am going to clean out my bank account, but looking at the bright side, I don't have to listen to what my mom wants, or pick a dress she likes, etc. I can do what I want without having to please them. So I guess try to look on the bright side. Now you just have to deal with what your groom wants, and I'd look into one of those bridal bargain books. There are some really good ideas out there for cheap yet elegant weddings.


You might want to think about the alternative - your parents telling you to plan it as if you were paying for it would mean you get exactly what you want without their input - and you'll be budget concious. My father did this with my sister and then at the reception, he cut her a check for the amount she spent on the wedding - as his gift to her. She got the wedding she wanted - and he got the price HE wanted :P

[esp1087]

Sorry to hear about the tumor...

I also paid for my own education, and my fiance and I are paying for our wedding ourselves also. I was lucky and had a scholarship to cover my tuition though...

You haven't mentioned, but does your fiance work? Does he have a good job? My fiance and I both worked and saved for two years while engaged for the wedding. We had a long engagement (got engaged March 2003), and are getting married this May, but it was worth it to have the wedding we wanted. One positive is since we are paying for it, we can blow off all the "you should do this" comments with a "we're paying for it so we'll do what we want" comment... :) I worked 2 jobs when I wasn't in school. I worked and went to school also though, so I know how hard that is.

We waited a year after I graduated from college (last May) to get married though, so I could help save up money by working full-time also. Are you close to graduation?

Since it seems that you can't get another job to help save for the wedding (since you're already stretched thin going to school and working), could your fiance? Are there bills that you could cut such as cable or phone (get rid of a land line for cell phones, etc.)?

My fiance and I are having a wedding for 200 people at a hall, and all together it will cost us around $18,000. The hall is the big thing since that is $6,000. The honeymoon in Hawaii will be about $3,700. Flowers are going to be about $900. Videographer is $1,700, and a photographer is going to be about $700 or more, etc. All these things add up. My fiance and I wanted the best and everything we wanted because we only plan on doing this once. There are ways to cut costs that we didn't do, but you can....

I have read that having an ourdoor wedding can actually be more expensive than a hall wedding once you rent the tents, tables, and chairs then pay a caterer, bartender, etc. Plus, you may have to pay for a liquer license also to have alcohol in that location. I recommend checking out the VFW halls and KOC halls. They are usually less expensive. With our hall, we went to a nice hall but I got a free bridal shower at the hall with a deal they had at the time we booked. That hall also included a bar with the price instead of having to add an additional $1,200 for a bar after the food. We also got a deal on our flowers (believe it or not), DJ, photographer, and videographer by booking with people we know. Also, instead of a photographer, can you have a friend do photos and put disposible ***eras on every table?

You didn't mention where you and fiance are living, but if you have your own house, have you considered getting a loan? Or taking out some of your 401K to pay for the wedding? It is allowed... If you don't have a house, you may still qualify for a loan. You can only get $10,000 in a loan if you don't have a house as colaterol but that will help, right? Or you could get a student loan...

Just some ideas... Hope that helps...

Also, I would talk to your parents and his parents about helping with one thing for a wedding gift to you. For example, my parents are paying for the rehearsal dinner and limo for a gift, and his mom is paying for the videographer as our gift. If we only get the wedding of our dreams... It is better than anything else they could give us!

Good luck!

Elizabeth

[reecey]

Sorry to hear about the tumor...

I also paid for my own education, and my fiance and I are paying for our wedding ourselves also. I was lucky and had a scholarship to cover my tuition though...

You haven't mentioned, but does your fiance work? Does he have a good job? My fiance and I both worked and saved for two years while engaged for the wedding. We had a long engagement (got engaged March 2003), and are getting married this May, but it was worth it to have the wedding we wanted. One positive is since we are paying for it, we can blow off all the "you should do this" comments with a "we're paying for it so we'll do what we want" comment... :) I worked 2 jobs when I wasn't in school. I worked and went to school also though, so I know how hard that is.

We waited a year after I graduated from college (last May) to get married though, so I could help save up money by working full-time also. Are you close to graduation?

Since it seems that you can't get another job to help save for the wedding (since you're already stretched thin going to school and working), could your fiance? Are there bills that you could cut such as cable or phone (get rid of a land line for cell phones, etc.)?

My fiance and I are having a wedding for 200 people at a hall, and all together it will cost us around $18,000. The hall is the big thing since that is $6,000. The honeymoon in Hawaii will be about $3,700. Flowers are going to be about $900. Videographer is $1,700, and a photographer is going to be about $700 or more, etc. All these things add up. My fiance and I wanted the best and everything we wanted because we only plan on doing this once. There are ways to cut costs that we didn't do, but you can....

I have read that having an ourdoor wedding can actually be more expensive than a hall wedding once you rent the tents, tables, and chairs then pay a caterer, bartender, etc. Plus, you may have to pay for a liquer license also to have alcohol in that location. I recommend checking out the VFW halls and KOC halls. They are usually less expensive. With our hall, we went to a nice hall but I got a free bridal shower at the hall with a deal they had at the time we booked. That hall also included a bar with the price instead of having to add an additional $1,200 for a bar after the food. We also got a deal on our flowers (believe it or not), DJ, photographer, and videographer by booking with people we know. Also, instead of a photographer, can you have a friend do photos and put disposible ***eras on every table?

You didn't mention where you and fiance are living, but if you have your own house, have you considered getting a loan? Or taking out some of your 401K to pay for the wedding? It is allowed... If you don't have a house, you may still qualify for a loan. You can only get $10,000 in a loan if you don't have a house as colaterol but that will help, right? Or you could get a student loan...

Just some ideas... Hope that helps...

Also, I would talk to your parents and his parents about helping with one thing for a wedding gift to you. For example, my parents are paying for the rehearsal dinner and limo for a gift, and his mom is paying for the videographer as our gift. If we only get the wedding of our dreams... It is better than anything else they could give us!

Good luck!

Elizabeth


As someone who works in the financial sector - check your financial situation before making any of these decisions. If your budget can afford a loan payment, then it might be an option - make sure your job situation is stable - if you take out a line of credit on your house and then can't pay it back, you could lose your house. Borrowing from your 401k doesn't allow growth for your retirement because you have the money - its not invested. You also are on a very strict repayment schedule, and if you fail to adhere to it, you are charged HUGE penalties. If you must take out a loan for your wedding, please, make it a signature loan. Taking out a student loan when you're not intending to use the funds for school or living expenses while in school is FRAUD. You're getting a low interest loan that is government subsidized and not using it for its intended purpose. So like i said - get a signature loan if you must get a loan at all. If need be, get a cosigner. But don't put your home or retirement on the ropes so you can have that extra oomph in your wedding - if you need it, save money and don't have the wedding so soon.

[cl_peterson]

You might want to think about the alternative - your parents telling you to plan it as if you were paying for it would mean you get exactly what you want without their input - and you'll be budget concious. My father did this with my sister and then at the reception, he cut her a check for the amount she spent on the wedding - as his gift to her. She got the wedding she wanted - and he got the price HE wanted :P

Yeah, that is probably what they think they are doing, in theory, but personally I think it is a cruel game to play. Why can't they just say up front "We are willing to give you $2000 (or however cheap they want to be) towards a wedding, spend it however you wish." Planning a wedding is stressful enough without having to play the "what's my budget" game.

To make things worse, every time I tell my mom a decision I have made for my wedding, she pipes in with "Well if you do this instead (what she wants), then your father and I will pay for that." So, then she is doing the complete opposite of the "theory" and trying to bribe me to get what she wants. I just respond with "uh huh" and ignore her. Like I said, I have started to look on the bright side and I am glad I am paying for it myself, so that I don't have to compromise what I want just to make them happy.

[cl_peterson]

You can have a beautiful wedding for way less than $18,000. I live in Silicon Valley, one of the most expensive areas in the U.S., and I am having a Saturday evening wedding in a Cathedral, and a four-course sit-down dinner reception with live band, all for less than $15k. You just have to decide where you want to cut corners. My dress is $1000 (got it on sale), but I plan to sell it after, and I bet I could get $600 for it back. Why do I need to store it in a box in my closet for 10-20 years? I know I'll never wear it again. I'd rather have the money. I plan to have a cake buffet of homemade cakes (made by close friends and family) with a small wedding cake as the centerpiece. I figure that is saving me at least $800, and homemade cakes taste so much better anyway, and there can be a variety of flavors, not everyone likes lemon you know. We are just going to have friends and family take pictures, or find someone who does it as a hobby for cheap. Professional photos aren't that important to us, and we feel some of our friends can do a good enough job. I figure that's another savings of $3000. I plan on doing invites real cheap! They just end up in the trash any way. I plan on making all the table centerpieces in advance, got a real cute idea from Martha Stewart that looks easy and not expensive. Her magazines are really great as well as Better Homes and Gardens for decorating ideas. Also we are keeping the wedding party real small, also helps save money, and that means more guests that can be taking pictures instead of just standing up at the altar with matching dresses and flowers! Now if you want to know how I am affording a 4 course sit-down dinner for 100 guests...we are having the reception at a nice restaurant that is family-owned (not my family, what I mean is, not a corporate chain). Their prices are reasonable because weddings aren't their main thing, and since our wedding happens to be during their slow season (august), they are waiving their usual $1500 room rental fee. So we get their main dining room and the adjoining outdoor patio garden for no extra fees besides the cost of dinner which is $35/pp, and that price includes tax and tip! (but not any drinks, they're extra).

One way, I think, to have an elegant yet affordable wedding is to have an evening dessert/coctail reception. With a fancy dessert buffet, and a signature coctail or punch. That way you don't have to serve dinner (the main expense of any wedding) and if your budget allows you could even still have passed hors. This is what I wanted to do actually, but my fiance really wanted to have dinner. Oh well.



Since it seems that you can't get another job to help save for the wedding (since you're already stretched thin going to school and working), could your fiance? Are there bills that you could cut such as cable or phone (get rid of a land line for cell phones, etc.)?

My fiance and I are having a wedding for 200 people at a hall, and all together it will cost us around $18,000. The hall is the big thing since that is $6,000. The honeymoon in Hawaii will be about $3,700. Flowers are going to be about $900. Videographer is $1,700, and a photographer is going to be about $700 or more, etc. All these things add up. My fiance and I wanted the best and everything we wanted because we only plan on doing this once. There are ways to cut costs that we didn't do, but you can....

I have read that having an ourdoor wedding can actually be more expensive than a hall wedding once you rent the tents, tables, and chairs then pay a caterer, bartender, etc. Plus, you may have to pay for a liquer license also to have alcohol in that location. I recommend checking out the VFW halls and KOC halls. They are usually less expensive. With our hall, we went to a nice hall but I got a free bridal shower at the hall with a deal they had at the time we booked. That hall also included a bar with the price instead of having to add an additional $1,200 for a bar after the food. We also got a deal on our flowers (believe it or not), DJ, photographer, and videographer by booking with people we know. Also, instead of a photographer, can you have a friend do photos and put disposible ***eras on every table?

You didn't mention where you and fiance are living, but if you have your own house, have you considered getting a loan? Or taking out some of your 401K to pay for the wedding? It is allowed... If you don't have a house, you may still qualify for a loan. You can only get $10,000 in a loan if you don't have a house as colaterol but that will help, right? Or you could get a student loan...

Just some ideas... Hope that helps...

Also, I would talk to your parents and his parents about helping with one thing for a wedding gift to you. For example, my parents are paying for the rehearsal dinner and limo for a gift, and his mom is paying for the videographer as our gift. If we only get the wedding of our dreams... It is better than anything else they could give us!

Good luck!

Elizabeth

[kary slade]

undefinedI think you should do a civil ceremony and have a small dinner party afterwards with close friends and family. Medical care is more important than a wedding. If you've been living together for 7 years,a regular wedding seems inappropriate to me. Just my opinionnle5-
Actually, those are probelms that I have had and my parents won't even help me out. You see... they never planned for my college education and they never saved a single cent. I wanted to go to college so I went (and am still going). It is very hard to work full time and try to go to school. I have no money for college and I have no money for bills, but I still find some way to make it work. As for the tumor... that's mine too. I have a pituitary tumor that I cannot afford to treat. I haven't gotten an MRI for about 2 years (and I'm supposed to get one every 6 months) because I simply cannot afford it. My insurance, unfortunately, does not cover things as well as I would like and the bills were kinda starting to add up. My parents, of course, didn't even try to help me. You said I should talk to my parents about where their money goes... well I know where their money goes. First they complain about not having any money for MONTHS and then they show up at my house tonight to show me carpet samples! I guess they're getting new carpet (that they really don't need, my mom just doesn't like the color of her old carpet) Sorry, I'm not trying to be rude or anything... I'm just frustrated.

Christina -
Yes! Yes! They definately have some spending problems!

[reecey]

undefinedI think you should do a civil ceremony and have a small dinner party afterwards with close friends and family. Medical care is more important than a wedding. If you've been living together for 7 years,a regular wedding seems inappropriate to me. Just my opinion


The great thing about planning your own wedding is that you can have any wedding you want. Whether simple or extravigant.

[esp1087]

As someone who works in the financial sector - check your financial situation before making any of these decisions. If your budget can afford a loan payment, then it might be an option - make sure your job situation is stable - if you take out a line of credit on your house and then can't pay it back, you could lose your house. Borrowing from your 401k doesn't allow growth for your retirement because you have the money - its not invested. You also are on a very strict repayment schedule, and if you fail to adhere to it, you are charged HUGE penalties. If you must take out a loan for your wedding, please, make it a signature loan. Taking out a student loan when you're not intending to use the funds for school or living expenses while in school is FRAUD. You're getting a low interest loan that is government subsidized and not using it for its intended purpose. So like i said - get a signature loan if you must get a loan at all. If need be, get a cosigner. But don't put your home or retirement on the ropes so you can have that extra oomph in your wedding - if you need it, save money and don't have the wedding so soon.

Although, it may have looked like I was suggesting it... I meant that she may want to look into getting a student loan to pay for school while saving the money she was spending on school for the wedding. I don't want everyone to think I am a lawbreaker. That truly isn't what I meant, but I should have clarified.

However, I do agree that you have to be careful about taking out a loan. My fiance just lost his job (his company laid off or fired about 600 people), but luckily, we are going to be okay on my salary and he is close to getting another job. Taking out a loan isn't something that should be done on a whim... It should be well thought out.

Elizabeth

[esp1087]

You can have a beautiful wedding for way less than $18,000. I live in Silicon Valley, one of the most expensive areas in the U.S., and I am having a Saturday evening wedding in a Cathedral, and a four-course sit-down dinner reception with live band, all for less than $15k. You just have to decide where you want to cut corners. My dress is $1000 (got it on sale), but I plan to sell it after, and I bet I could get $600 for it back. Why do I need to store it in a box in my closet for 10-20 years? I know I'll never wear it again. I'd rather have the money. I plan to have a cake buffet of homemade cakes (made by close friends and family) with a small wedding cake as the centerpiece. I figure that is saving me at least $800, and homemade cakes taste so much better anyway, and there can be a variety of flavors, not everyone likes lemon you know. We are just going to have friends and family take pictures, or find someone who does it as a hobby for cheap. Professional photos aren't that important to us, and we feel some of our friends can do a good enough job. I figure that's another savings of $3000. I plan on doing invites real cheap! They just end up in the trash any way. I plan on making all the table centerpieces in advance, got a real cute idea from Martha Stewart that looks easy and not expensive. Her magazines are really great as well as Better Homes and Gardens for decorating ideas. Also we are keeping the wedding party real small, also helps save money, and that means more guests that can be taking pictures instead of just standing up at the altar with matching dresses and flowers! Now if you want to know how I am affording a 4 course sit-down dinner for 100 guests...we are having the reception at a nice restaurant that is family-owned (not my family, what I mean is, not a corporate chain). Their prices are reasonable because weddings aren't their main thing, and since our wedding happens to be during their slow season (august), they are waiving their usual $1500 room rental fee. So we get their main dining room and the adjoining outdoor patio garden for no extra fees besides the cost of dinner which is $35/pp, and that price includes tax and tip! (but not any drinks, they're extra).

One way, I think, to have an elegant yet affordable wedding is to have an evening dessert/coctail reception. With a fancy dessert buffet, and a signature coctail or punch. That way you don't have to serve dinner (the main expense of any wedding) and if your budget allows you could even still have passed hors. This is what I wanted to do actually, but my fiance really wanted to have dinner. Oh well.

I agree that a wedding can be cheaper than $18K... We included our honeymoon in that amount though... I know some people don't but without the honeymoon, ours is also under $15K. It all depends on what you want. We wanted everything we wanted and not to cut back (within reason of course).

There are many ways to save money though. Those are very good ideas...

My dress was about $700. We're spending $30/plate and having dinner for about 200. I prefer not to go with professionals for photographers and videographers because they are so expensive and don't really CARE about their work (it isn't personal to them usually...). That has been my experience at least, and I really like the work of our photographer and videographer... Where do you live Cashy98? Maybe some of us could give you suggestions on a DJ, photographer, etc...

Elizabeth

[tinab16]

Hi.

I'm sorry you feel that way. I don't think you're being selfish, or that they are being selfish. It is what it is. I am a true believer that any bride can have the wedding of her dreams. If you have a lot of money then you can plan a dream wedding quickly and easily. If you don't have the money you can still have the dream wedding, you just need more time so you can find the bargains. Also, there are ways your parents can help that don't cost a thing.

Ways you save big time on a wedding are to:

Make your own wedding favors and decorations.

Make your own boquets.

Choose a reception location that doesn't cost $5000+ like in a backyard, beach, park or resort. You know Sandals pays for the wedding/reception if you honeymoon there. That could be a fun destination wedding.

Buy your dress at a designer sample sale or close out store. (you can get thousand dollar dresses for $300.)

Make the wedding cake

There are a ton of ways you can save. Check out the free wedding planning ebook, http://www.guidetoweddingplanning.com for more ideas.


Good Luck!!!!



My boyfriend and I have been talking a lot about getting married (we're not offically engaged yet) and my parents flat out told me that they weren't going to even help pay for the wedding. My mom thinks we should run to the court house and call it good. My boyfriend and I have NO money. But I don't want to have a courthouse wedding. And I know if I don't have the nice wedding I've always dreamed of, I'll regret it. Don't get me wrong, just getting married would be wonderful... and I know being together is what really counts. But still, don't I deserve to have a nice wedding? The cost is the only thing holding us back. My mom said that they couldn't afford helping pay for a wedding. But I don't think that's necessarily true. They just bought a new truck! Are they being selfish? Am I being selfish? What can I do? This is so depressing. :(

[tinab16]

Here is an idea. I know someone who did this to pay for her wedding. I'm not saying it is right or wrong, just that it is a money solution.

The bride's mother had the money, she just didn't want to part with it.
Her mother took out a loan (or refinanced her house I"m not sure) to "lend" the bride the money. This "loan" was to be repaid with the cash they received from their wedding.

I'll add as a funny sidenote that neither the groom, nor his parents who paid for flowers, church and rehearsal dinner, were aware of the arrangement. So, there were fireworks. So, if you do that, be sure to communicate the plan with everyone involved.

It may be a terrible plan for a million reasons, but she got her wedding and they are a very happy married couple now. And it was a great wedding and she did it for under $7000 because she took advantage of a cancellation on a reception hall and haggled every possible price with every vendor.


Just an idea,










My boyfriend and I have been talking a lot about getting married (we're not offically engaged yet) and my parents flat out told me that they weren't going to even help pay for the wedding. My mom thinks we should run to the court house and call it good. My boyfriend and I have NO money. But I don't want to have a courthouse wedding. And I know if I don't have the nice wedding I've always dreamed of, I'll regret it. Don't get me wrong, just getting married would be wonderful... and I know being together is what really counts. But still, don't I deserve to have a nice wedding? The cost is the only thing holding us back. My mom said that they couldn't afford helping pay for a wedding. But I don't think that's necessarily true. They just bought a new truck! Are they being selfish? Am I being selfish? What can I do? This is so depressing. :(

[myday4evr]

My parents don't seem to be happy for me...they don't even take an interest really in my fiance and we are getting married within 4 months.. we have been together for almost 2 years and i had gotten engaged lst may.. is that too soon? when we go over their house..they don't even really talk to him just say a few words and thats it...this is so sad for me..and this supposed to be the greatest day of my life..i know he is the one...i haven't really told her the date, because everytime i tell her a little about it...she gets upset..and stating she is not going to bless our union... his side of the family is very happy and loving..showing concern and things like that..my family..does not show any concern what so ever..has not offered help or anything..this is really sad...this is so crazy and heart breaking.. i'm going to give it a couple more days and just tell her flat out..my mother that this is date...im a grown women..and she can't treat me like a kid anymore... i know you supposed to respect your parents ,, but just be happy for me...he has a job.. no kids, god fearing man...who treats me great..with love... dont know what to do?

[esp1087]

My parents don't seem to be happy for me...they don't even take an interest really in my fiance and we are getting married within 4 months.. we have been together for almost 2 years and i had gotten engaged lst may.. is that too soon? when we go over their house..they don't even really talk to him just say a few words and thats it...this is so sad for me..and this supposed to be the greatest day of my life..i know he is the one...i haven't really told her the date, because everytime i tell her a little about it...she gets upset..and stating she is not going to bless our union... his side of the family is very happy and loving..showing concern and things like that..my family..does not show any concern what so ever..has not offered help or anything..this is really sad...this is so crazy and heart breaking.. i'm going to give it a couple more days and just tell her flat out..my mother that this is date...im a grown women..and she can't treat me like a kid anymore... i know you supposed to respect your parents ,, but just be happy for me...he has a job.. no kids, god fearing man...who treats me great..with love... dont know what to do?

Sorry to hear about your trouble. Many parents have trouble realizing that their daughter/son is grown and starting a family of their own. My parents had a rough time and his mom did too. Sometimes it is that they don't feel anyone is good enough for their child. Othertimes, they are just not ready to let go.

I would have a serious heart to heart with your mom and don't postpone it any longer. Is there a good reason that she doesn't like your fiance? Tell her how much it hurts you that you don't have their support in this big day in your life.

My parents started to point out to me things they thought were "wrong" with my fiance but they were wrong and I made sure to set them straight right away. You are starting a new life with your fiance. It should be the happiest time in your life, so please talk to them. I hope you can work it out.....

Good luck.
Elizabeth

[reecey]

My parents don't seem to be happy for me...they don't even take an interest really in my fiance and we are getting married within 4 months.. we have been together for almost 2 years and i had gotten engaged lst may.. is that too soon? when we go over their house..they don't even really talk to him just say a few words and thats it...this is so sad for me..and this supposed to be the greatest day of my life..i know he is the one...i haven't really told her the date, because everytime i tell her a little about it...she gets upset..and stating she is not going to bless our union... his side of the family is very happy and loving..showing concern and things like that..my family..does not show any concern what so ever..has not offered help or anything..this is really sad...this is so crazy and heart breaking.. i'm going to give it a couple more days and just tell her flat out..my mother that this is date...im a grown women..and she can't treat me like a kid anymore... i know you supposed to respect your parents ,, but just be happy for me...he has a job.. no kids, god fearing man...who treats me great..with love... dont know what to do?


Have you asked them why they feel the way they do?

[Nancy Evans]

Have you asked them why they feel the way they do?


Reecey,

I am so sorry about your parents acting that way. Your right this is suppose to be the happiest day of your life. :confused: What is there problem with this youg man? You should not be going through this by yourself.

I think you should tell your parents how you feel and with or without their blessings you are getting married and that it is not going to change anything by them acting so childish.

I am a mother of a 23 year old son and he is getting married in August of this year. He has not been corresponding with us and it hurts, because we are very happy for him and his bride.

Hang in there hun. Things have a way of working out. God Bless you.

[reecey]

Reecey,

I am so sorry about your parents acting that way. Your right this is suppose to be the happiest day of your life. :confused: What is there problem with this youg man? You should not be going through this by yourself.

I think you should tell your parents how you feel and with or without their blessings you are getting married and that it is not going to change anything by them acting so childish.

I am a mother of a 23 year old son and he is getting married in August of this year. He has not been corresponding with us and it hurts, because we are very happy for him and his bride.

Hang in there hun. Things have a way of working out. God Bless you.


Nancy - thanks for the thoughts, but I'm not the one with the situation where the parents aren't happy about the situation :)

[philippa]

don't mean to be rude but get over it! This is the real world. Be thankful you have 2 parents who can attend. If I can pay for a my big dream wedding as a student nurse without taking out a loan then I don't see what your problem is other than greed.

[armitage]

Dont worry about parents not helping you with the finances of the wedding. In some ways its better that means you can have the wedding the way you want it to be without feeling obligated to do something a certain way b/c they contributed money. Remember many of people pay for the wedding between the bride and groom only it can be done. My FH and I are planning the whole wedding our selves and are refusing to ask our parents for financial help and hoping neither side will try to pay for anything. Im not rich, for that matter I am a Physician Assistant Master student in mega debt from an expensive school. Just find your budget and do what you can with it -- there is absolutely no reason that weddings need to be so expensive for one day. Save the money and use it for things needed with the marraige like a house, vacations, food, ect.....

Just my opinion anyway! :p

[MAC2BE]

Ever since I knew what marriage was all about I couldn't wait for that day I would get to start to planning my own wedding. Now that time has come and I am having the worst time of my life. I can definately relate to the parents not paying for anything. Although I have had some ups and downs. My parents have paid for my dress and accessories already however when it ***e to the reception things started to get a little out of hand.. My mom and dad are the same way yours is when it comes to spending money. They claim they don't have the money but yet there is always something big and expensive being bought. Doesn't make any sense. My parents found a War Memorial Building in the town I will be getting married in but its not the nicest place outside or inside and I told them my honest opinion that it would take a lot of time and lots more money to fix it up to make it look nice and my mom blew off the handle and basically said your own your own. lucky for me I do have lots of money saved up however that was for our downpayment for our house. I hate fighting with my mom especially during the wedding planning when you are suppose to be having fun and talking about her wedding. My mom fell very sick last 2 years and has had medical bill after medical bill so I understand your pain on that. I am sorry to go on and on about me. This post is about you. Others have given you great advice already. I would invite only the closest people to you and have a small ceremony and reception. You can look for a church that has a banquet facility attached to the church and do everything there. You could do the food yourself. I wouldn't have a meal but some fingerfoods would be nice especially if you aren't going to have that many people. Wait another year and save up as much money as possible this year and see where you are at this time next year. Since you are already living together that takes out a major expense for newlyweds cause you wouldn't have to worry about looking for a place and saving for a down payment or anything. How about your fiances parents. Have you talked to them about helping pay. Does his mom or anyone in his family cook?? Well I know I haven't given you any ideas that you havent' alraedy been given. But I wanted to put my input in since it seems like we have something in common with our parents... Good Luck to ya. Let us know what you work out... :)

[OctBride-2005]

My FIL's don't seem happy for us. Everytime we mention our wedding plans they always try to start an arguement about how we are doing it all wrong. They do not think we have not been dating long enough (we have been together over three years). They are not happy I am not Catholic, but we are getting married in at a Catholic Church. They blame me for him moving an hour and a half away but thats where his job was. FMIL confronted me about how I have ruined the wedding planning for her because I have excluded her from all the planning when we were there on Saturday but how are we supposed to discuss it when it ends up turning into a fight?

On the other hand, my parents love my fiance and are very happy we are getting married.

Good luck.

[reecey]

My FIL's don't seem happy for us. Everytime we mention our wedding plans they always try to start an arguement about how we are doing it all wrong. They do not think we have not been dating long enough (we have been together over three years). They are not happy I am not Catholic, but we are getting married in at a Catholic Church. They blame me for him moving an hour and a half away but thats where his job was. FMIL confronted me about how I have ruined the wedding planning for her because I have excluded her from all the planning when we were there on Saturday but how are we supposed to discuss it when it ends up turning into a fight?

On the other hand, my parents love my fiance and are very happy we are getting married.

Good luck.


Concentrate on the good :) I would personally let my future inlaws know that its up to them if they decide to be accepting of your marriage and either way the two of you are fine with their decision - but they have to understand that there are consequences to every decision. If they decide to be accepting, then they will be included in the planning and everyone will have a wonderful time. If they choose not to be, then they will not be included, as this is a happy occassion, not a wrestling pay-per-view and everyone but them will still be happy. Its their choice. Also, remember, it can't be "done all wrong" if you're doing what you want :)

[myday4evr]

My FIL's don't seem happy for us. Everytime we mention our wedding plans they always try to start an arguement about how we are doing it all wrong. They do not think we have not been dating long enough (we have been together over three years). They are not happy I am not Catholic, but we are getting married in at a Catholic Church. They blame me for him moving an hour and a half away but thats where his job was. FMIL confronted me about how I have ruined the wedding planning for her because I have excluded her from all the planning when we were there on Saturday but how are we supposed to discuss it when it ends up turning into a fight?

On the other hand, my parents love my fiance and are very happy we are getting married.

Good luck.

Thats great...I can understand what your stating..my parents think it is too soon.. to be getting married..and for some reason...they don't like him..they think that he can't support me....they wish he was a millionaire....but this 2005 they say wait another year..or so...on the other hand my parents don't like him..but his side of the family and mother loves me...and glad we are getting married...were still getting married in June...and I just wish they were happy for me...just be happy..for me..

[OctBride-2005]

Concentrate on the good :) I would personally let my future inlaws know that its up to them if they decide to be accepting of your marriage and either way the two of you are fine with their decision - but they have to understand that there are consequences to every decision. If they decide to be accepting, then they will be included in the planning and everyone will have a wonderful time. If they choose not to be, then they will not be included, as this is a happy occassion, not a wrestling pay-per-view and everyone but them will still be happy. Its their choice. Also, remember, it can't be "done all wrong" if you're doing what you want :)

Thanks for the reply.

I sent my future MIL an email on Sunday with our wedding planning info of what we have done so far. I would like to have a good relationship, but I think I've done what I can. It's up to them now. If they don't respond thats it, I think I give up trying to include them and just ignore their rude statements.

My fiance does support me and we will do what we want within our budget. We will have a great party regardless.

[myday4evr]

don't mean to be rude but get over it! This is the real world. Be thankful you have 2 parents who can attend. If I can pay for a my big dream wedding as a student nurse without taking out a loan then I don't see what your problem is other than greed.


I'm am thankful that they are live..the thing is that are they willing to attend....the thing is that they are not happy with me getting married and don't want me to have the wedding at all..and will not bless my marriage...i want them to come...i did not ask them for 1 red cent....for any money..all i'm asking for is to be happy for me.. thats all..

[moe]

My boyfriend and I have been talking a lot about getting married (we're not offically engaged yet) and my parents flat out told me that they weren't going to even help pay for the wedding. My mom thinks we should run to the court house and call it good. My boyfriend and I have NO money. But I don't want to have a courthouse wedding. And I know if I don't have the nice wedding I've always dreamed of, I'll regret it. Don't get me wrong, just getting married would be wonderful... and I know being together is what really counts. But still, don't I deserve to have a nice wedding? The cost is the only thing holding us back. My mom said that they couldn't afford helping pay for a wedding. But I don't think that's necessarily true. They just bought a new truck! Are they being selfish? Am I being selfish? What can I do? This is so depressing. :(

Hi there, I do think you should reconsider the way you feel towards your parents about this issue. My wedding is this november, My parents are helping out but not as much as some do. They just can not do it... We are paying for most of it and when my Fiance proposed and I found out he had saved for over two years for my ring I realized what this is about. Do what you can on the budget you have. Get another part time job, offer to help other people in exchange for help with your wedding. It does not have to be this huge affair to be memorable. Sometimes smaller and intimate is better anyway. Good luck. :)

[BBrideErica]

I can completly relate to what is happening with you. I recently got engaged and my parents offered to help.Then when I first started planning the weddiing I kept trying to discuss prices with them and they started to avaid me. And his parents also offered to help but not for 3 more year or so. So I feel your frusterations and disapointment. I am mostly angry with my parents because they shopuld have never offeres if they were not going to follow through, and his parents are jsut as bad. We are going to get married but we now know that the cost of the wedding is completly up to us. So the date has been now pushed back a year and we are putting away $150 each every month to get us on our way. I hope you two can figure out some way to get yourselves on a budget so that you can save and have the wedding of your dreams. :)


My boyfriend and I have been talking a lot about getting married (we're not offically engaged yet) and my parents flat out told me that they weren't going to even help pay for the wedding. My mom thinks we should run to the court house and call it good. My boyfriend and I have NO money. But I don't want to have a courthouse wedding. And I know if I don't have the nice wedding I've always dreamed of, I'll regret it. Don't get me wrong, just getting married would be wonderful... and I know being together is what really counts. But still, don't I deserve to have a nice wedding? The cost is the only thing holding us back. My mom said that they couldn't afford helping pay for a wedding. But I don't think that's necessarily true. They just bought a new truck! Are they being selfish? Am I being selfish? What can I do? This is so depressing. :(

[LeAnne]

Wow I hate to hear that people are having so much trouble with their families and their finances. I guess I'm lucky that both my parents and my FIL's are happy for us and willing to help, without trying to bribe us into doing anything their way. We expect to do our entire wedding for less than $2000. I got lucky and found exactly the dress I wanted, brand new on ebay for $300, my mom and I are doing all the food ourselves (possibly including the cake - my mom and roommate are quite talented!), we will be getting married in a church and we expect that to cost $500 or less...we're making lavender seed cards as favors, handmaking our invitations, we're going to BBQ at the lake for our rehearsal dinner...anyway I guess my point is that if you can find some time and creative effort you really can have a nice wedding inexpensively, and it will truly reflect your own style. You might consider talking to your parents about how their spending habits hurt you just for the sake of your relationship but don't necessarily expect that to make any difference. Don't just go and have a courthouse wedding because you will resent your parents and maybe your FH for a long time to come over that. It's up to the two of you to find ways to save, budget, and compromise to come up with a wedding that you can be happy with.

[Cashy98]

Thanks for being so helpful you guys. I really need some reassuring right now. If you haven't heard, I am engaged now (gee... didn't see that coming :rolleyes: ) As for my parents, I think they didn't think I was actually going to be getting married. Actually... I know this, because my mom just told be the other day that she had never envisioned me getting married and therefore did nothing to "prepare" for that day when it ***e. Anyways, after a bit of an argument where my mom said (after me pointing out their wild spending habits and then their complaing about not having any money) "Oh, I'm sorry, what I ment to say was that we don't have any money for YOU", my mom finally agreed to try to help us out some. Which is a big deal because in order to book anything we need to make deposits now and I just don't have the money right now (I'm having some job issues... my employers are so EVIL!). My mom is still being rather difficult about the whole situation (she wanted me to buy a ratty-looking dress from some shadey bridal gown outlet store), but she is better. My dad, on the other hand, has said nothing this entire time. I know you guys probably think I'm being selfish, but you have to understand my parents are the ones being selfish. You don't know them like I do. And all I want is just for once in their lives to think about their only daughter for once... and perhaps make up for some of the mistakes they have made in the past (My family is VERY disfunctional... as you may be guessing right now. Belief me, you do not know the HALF of it).
But thanks so much... any more advice would be very helpful. Like how to deal with my mom when she's getting obnoxious. :(

[SusanM18]

Now...you are right that we don't really know any of it. However, I will say for the record, it doesn't matter if your parents have $1 to their name or $500million to their name, they are in no way responsible for helping you out with your wedding AT ALL!!
I wouldn't necessarily say I understand, as my parents are helping considerably with my wedding, but if htey weren't, I wouldn't resent them or be angry about it. That's not fair to them. YOu are making an adult decision in an adult relationship and if they choose not to help it's your responsibility ultimately to fund your own wedding.
Your parents may have a variety of different reasons for not contributing and frankly, whatever it is, they truly do NOT owe you the explination.
I am sorry if this harsh at all, it's not intended to be.

[reecey]

Now...you are right that we don't really know any of it. However, I will say for the record, it doesn't matter if your parents have $1 to their name or $500million to their name, they are in no way responsible for helping you out with your wedding AT ALL!!
I wouldn't necessarily say I understand, as my parents are helping considerably with my wedding, but if htey weren't, I wouldn't resent them or be angry about it. That's not fair to them. YOu are making an adult decision in an adult relationship and if they choose not to help it's your responsibility ultimately to fund your own wedding.
Your parents may have a variety of different reasons for not contributing and frankly, whatever it is, they truly do NOT owe you the explination.
I am sorry if this harsh at all, it's not intended to be.


Well said - and I must say, there's a certain satisfaction of doing it all yourself. Its an independant decision and the best thing is, no one can tell you how you have to do anything since you're the one forking over the dough.

[MauiGirl]

I would have to agree... My FH and I are lucky b/c his parents paid for are plan tickets to Hawaii (as a wedding gift) and my g-pa gave us $900.00 for are wedding in Maui. My mom hasn't helped at all but that was her decision and it doesn't bother me one bit. We never asked anyone for help nor did we expect it. My FH and I decided when we got engaged that we were going to Maui and we started saving so we would have had the money. I hope that you don't think that we are being to hard on you but you should really understand that your parents (no matter how Dysfunctional) don't have to pay anything for your wedding, it's not their bill.

[reecey]

I would have to agree... My FH and I are lucky b/c his parents paid for are plan tickets to Hawaii (as a wedding gift) and my g-pa gave us $900.00 for are wedding in Maui. My mom hasn't helped at all but that was her decision and it doesn't bother me one bit. We never asked anyone for help nor did we expect it. My FH and I decided when we got engaged that we were going to Maui and we started saving so we would have had the money. I hope that you don't think that we are being to hard on you but you should really understand that your parents (no matter how Dysfunctional) don't have to pay anything for your wedding, it's not their bill.


Heh. I'd like to see a family that ISN'T dysfunctional :P That'd be a Ripley's believe it or not moment :P

[SusanM18]

One quick thing I left out earlier, I don't think you should want your family to give you $ because they are dysfunctional, they shouldn't have to "buy" your relationship.

[MauiGirl]

One quick thing I left out earlier, I don't think you should want your family to give you $ because they are dysfunctional, they shouldn't have to "buy" your relationship.

Very good point! :)

I don't know why but it seems that I have been agreeing with you a lot today! LOL :D

[nle5]

You mean to tell me we have someone from a dysfunctional family here posting on the forums. Oh wait, that is all of our families to some extent.

I agree your parents do not have to pay for the wedding. If they choose to help pay for the wedding then they will. Do not second guess them as to why they are not helping you. They do not have to give any form of explanation. You should be lucky that you don't have to listen to your mom or dad telling you how to plan the wedding. At this point if they wanted to complain on how the wedding was planned you can tell them "it's my wedding and since I am paying for it then I will plan things my way."

Good luck!!

[Cashy98]

I'm sorry, I wasn't trying to make it sound like my parents need to buy my love. Things have just never been that great between parents and I. What they do with their money is their decision, I know that. It just hurts that they don't even want to help (I'd understand if they wanted to help and couldn't). My mom doesn't even want me to have a wedding... and its not for the reasons you're thinking. Its because she's anti-social and doesn't want to have to go somewhere where there is a lot of people (and yes, she told me this... but I already knew) The whole thing is completely crazy... and quite frankly, its become very frustrating. I do admit, I do have a lot of anger towards my parents... anger that has been there for many years. I know I need to get over it, but I'm just not ready yet. I don't expect you guys to understand. I just hope you guys don't think I'm a horrible person. I'm really not. I suppose I ***e across the wrong way, I didn't mean for things to sound the way they did.

[reecey]

I'm sorry, I wasn't trying to make it sound like my parents need to buy my love. Things have just never been that great between parents and I. What they do with their money is their decision, I know that. It just hurts that they don't even want to help (I'd understand if they wanted to help and couldn't). My mom doesn't even want me to have a wedding... and its not for the reasons you're thinking. Its because she's anti-social and doesn't want to have to go somewhere where there is a lot of people (and yes, she told me this... but I already knew) The whole thing is completely crazy... and quite frankly, its become very frustrating. I do admit, I do have a lot of anger towards my parents... anger that has been there for many years. I know I need to get over it, but I'm just not ready yet. I don't expect you guys to understand. I just hope you guys don't think I'm a horrible person. I'm really not. I suppose I ***e across the wrong way, I didn't mean for things to sound the way they did.


We're all stressed to a point when planning these things. You have a different kind of stress with dealing with your mother than some others do. You have to not let her get to you. If she doesn't like it, tell her she doesn't have to stay that long - just for the wedding and formalities at the reception. Or get her some valium :P We all understand that everyone's situation is different and we all want to pull our hair (or someone elses) out at some point and time and you found yours :)

[MauiGirl]

We're all stressed to a point when planning these things. You have a different kind of stress with dealing with your mother than some others do. You have to not let her get to you. If she doesn't like it, tell her she doesn't have to stay that long - just for the wedding and formalities at the reception. Or get her some valium :P We all understand that everyone's situation is different and we all want to pull our hair (or someone elses) out at some point and time and you found yours :)

good way to put it reecey.

I don't think that we would say that you are a horrible person. The thought never even crossed my mind. I do understand the anger you feel towards your parents; I hated, yes HATED my mom for years! She did a lot of mean and stupid things to me and didn't think about any of the consequences. I'm 26 yrs old and I am able to get a long with my mom just fine now. The trick is taking care of youself; don't rely on them to help you with anything. I'm not saying that it's easy b/c it's not but you will be a much happier person. Good luck.

[Cashy98]

Thanks, I feel a little better now.

Mauigirl,
You hated your mom? Oh, I love you! (Just Kidding :) ) I'm glad you know how I'm feeling. My parents have just been EXTRA difficult lately (and it hasn't just been about my wedding). Its hard to get over some of the things your parents have done to you growing up. Everyone has issues with their parents, just some more than others.

Reecy,
My mom needs help, seriously. But she refuses and the rest of my family thinks I'm crazy for even suggesting it. She does has some major issues though. She had a horrible... and I mean HORRIBLE childhood. And I think that is mostly why she has done the things she has done to me all my life. I don't think she means to hurt me, but she is so caught up in her own emotional problems that she can't really help it. I guess I'll just have to tell my mom that she either needs to get a grip or to just not plan on coming to my wedding. The last thing I need is her making a scene on my big day.


As for them helping, I'm just going to have to keep hoping they come around. I'll try to take care of things myself, and perhaps they will change their minds once they see all of the work I have been doing. If not, I hope the "job fairy" brings me a better job. Right now, I can't even make ends meet... let alone save up money for my wedding. I told you, my employers have become very evil lately. I just hope something changes soon... otherwise I'm going to have more important problems to worry about instead of just a wedding.

[myday4evr]

I'm sorry, I wasn't trying to make it sound like my parents need to buy my love. Things have just never been that great between parents and I. What they do with their money is their decision, I know that. It just hurts that they don't even want to help (I'd understand if they wanted to help and couldn't). My mom doesn't even want me to have a wedding... and its not for the reasons you're thinking. Its because she's anti-social and doesn't want to have to go somewhere where there is a lot of people (and yes, she told me this... but I already knew) The whole thing is completely crazy... and quite frankly, its become very frustrating. I do admit, I do have a lot of anger towards my parents... anger that has been there for many years. I know I need to get over it, but I'm just not ready yet. I don't expect you guys to understand. I just hope you guys don't think I'm a horrible person. I'm really not. I suppose I ***e across the wrong way, I didn't mean for things to sound the way they did.


I can agree with you on that...Like I told the group earlier...I'm not looking for them pay for my wedding.. but just support me...I just feel like screaming, NO ONE IN MY FAMILY ON MY SIDE OF THE FAMILY ARE ASKING ANY QUESTIONS ABOUT MY WEDDING THIS JUNE..HAVE NOT OFFERED TO HELP OR ANYTHING..AND YOU WOULD LIKE FOR PERSON TO BE HAPPY FOR YOU..I MEAN I CAN TALK TO MY MOTHER..ABOUT WHATS GOING ON...BUT SHE NEVER BRINGS UP MY PLANS..FOR THE WEDDING..AND I DON'T BOTHER TO ASK ANYMORE...ITS SEEMS MY PARENTS FOCUS ..IS ON MY TWIN SISTER I REALLY TRULY THINK IF IT WAS HER WHO WAS GETTING MARRIED THEY WOULD BE ALL IN AND SUPPORTING HER...THAT IS UNFAIR...I JUST ASK FOR THEIR BLESSING BUT IF NOT..I'M STILL GETTING MARRIED ANYWAY IT GOES... ITS JUST CRAZY FOR THEM TO BE ACTING LIKE THAT...AND I DON'T UNDERSTAND IT AT ALL.....MY FRIENDS HAVE BEEN SUPPORTIVE AND HIS FAMILY AND MY CHURCH FAMILY...BUT MY SIDE OF THE FAMILY IS SO BITTER AND NOT INTERESTED...MY 2 AUNTS PULLED OUT OF THE WEDDING AND SO DID MY SISTER...THIS IS SO SAD FOR ME...BUT I WILL GET THRU THIS..

[reecey]

I can agree with you on that...Like I told the group earlier...I'm not looking for them pay for my wedding.. but just support me...I just feel like screaming, NO ONE IN MY FAMILY ON MY SIDE OF THE FAMILY ARE ASKING ANY QUESTIONS ABOUT MY WEDDING THIS JUNE..HAVE NOT OFFERED TO HELP OR ANYTHING..AND YOU WOULD LIKE FOR PERSON TO BE HAPPY FOR YOU..I MEAN I CAN TALK TO MY MOTHER..ABOUT WHATS GOING ON...BUT SHE NEVER BRINGS UP MY PLANS..FOR THE WEDDING..AND I DON'T BOTHER TO ASK ANYMORE...ITS SEEMS MY PARENTS FOCUS ..IS ON MY TWIN SISTER I REALLY TRULY THINK IF IT WAS HER WHO WAS GETTING MARRIED THEY WOULD BE ALL IN AND SUPPORTING HER...THAT IS UNFAIR...I JUST ASK FOR THEIR BLESSING BUT IF NOT..I'M STILL GETTING MARRIED ANYWAY IT GOES... ITS JUST CRAZY FOR THEM TO BE ACTING LIKE THAT...AND I DON'T UNDERSTAND IT AT ALL.....MY FRIENDS HAVE BEEN SUPPORTIVE AND HIS FAMILY AND MY CHURCH FAMILY...BUT MY SIDE OF THE FAMILY IS SO BITTER AND NOT INTERESTED...MY 2 AUNTS PULLED OUT OF THE WEDDING AND SO DID MY SISTER...THIS IS SO SAD FOR ME...BUT I WILL GET THRU THIS..


Jealousy is a funny thing - maybe people thought your sister would get married first. There's really no excuse for their behaviour but its what you get. You will make it through it all - just focus on your family that you can count on - at the church and your future husband's family. One thing I know for sure, blood does not make a family - love, consideration and support does.

[ButterflySpirit]

Hi :) I am sorry you are having such a hard time...but if all else fails and you cant afford the wedding you want right now you could always do a destination wedding...I know companies like Sandals have great deals on awesome and beautiful wedding packages! Then you can always do vow renewal and go all out for your big wedding!! ::Hugs::

Dee

[Ciara]

Cashy I have the same sort of problem.

My mom promised me that she would pay for my wedding reception and help pay for my dress.

Now she has point blank said no, that she couldn't afford it anymore.

Now Im panicking cause I dont have the money to put across a big wedding and my own mom won't help.

And I KNOW she doesnt like my fiance

Ciara

[reecey]

Cashy I have the same sort of problem.

My mom promised me that she would pay for my wedding reception and help pay for my dress.

Now she has point blank said no, that she couldn't afford it anymore.

Now Im panicking cause I dont have the money to put across a big wedding and my own mom won't help.

And I KNOW she doesnt like my fiance

Ciara


Sorry if this sounds blunt, it's going to be - if you want something done - you have to do it yourself. I guess if your mom promised and now she says no - I guess that means you can't trust her. I would make it a point to let her know that as well - continue on as if you were footing it yourself - you just might be...she also may come around. Also, you don't know her financial situation now - maybe she really can't afford it.

[Marsha]

so is she saying that we should all have under 100 people at our reception because thats what she did? my wedding is small 30 people. im having a small a party and its still costing me 5000. It all just depends on what people want in life.

[Kelly1Mickey]

First of all, if that's how your family and friends are, I feel sorry for you. But MY family isn't like that - and its not about the gifts. Its about sharing a wonderful time in your life with your loved ones. Yes, you can have a small, elegant wedding for a reasonable price - but don't assume that everyone's family and circle of friends is a bunch of cheap thiefs.


YEAH REECEY! Very well said! I posted something similar in the other thread that she posted this.

[tensei]

Okay, you guys. I really don't want you to think I'm a bad person or that I'm just a huge complainy-butt. I guess I've just been having such a hard time lately, and I really want to have something special. I really do feel like my parents have failed me. Not just the wedding part... but my whole life. You just don't have any clue what they are like. They never really gave me and my brother anything. And I really don't have any other family than them. Anyways... my boyfriend told me to get some estimates for how much things will cost. We need to have an idea of what we need to save up for. Any ideas? And the people cooking for us is our reception is out... my mom hates to cook and I really don't have anyone else to ask. I just need some general estimates for specific aspects of a wedding.


Cashy,

I know exactly how you feel. I'm getting married in August and my parents can't pay a cent. I was angry at first, but I later realised that it was selfish of me. I wanted what I wanted at their expense. Does that sound fair?

"Mom, Dad, I've decided to get married, and now you have to shell out thousands of dollars to make me happy."

I know that's not what you mean to sound like, but it's a tough line. I would be very, VERY hesitant to say that your parents have never done anything for you. If your mother carried you for 9 months and gave birth to you, if your parents changed your diapers, if they paid to feed you, clothe you and house you for at least the first 17 or 18 years of your life, then you can't say that they've never done anything for you.

My parents never paid for me to go to college, nor have they paid for any of my medical treatment. They couldn't, though.

How long is your engagement going to be? That can play a huge role in what your parents can or cannot do. If it's 1 or 2 years, then they'll have some time to save up. If it's 6 months, then you're asking a whole lot of them to pay for a wedding in that amount of time.

I could have had a 1 or 2 year engagement and my parents would have been able to contribute money towards the wedding, but I wanted to get married in 6 months, so I am paying for it on my own, and rightfully so.

The key is saving up. The little sacrifices lead to big savings. I opened a separate checking account just for the wedding. I only spend my paycheck on bills, gas for my car, and lunch at work. No clothes. No CDs. No DVD, no goodies. If you want a nice wedding, you have to make sacrifices.

In 6 months, I will have saved up $2000. Combining that with some budgeting strategies (if you want any advice, I have tons, you can e-mail me tenseikaito@aol.com ), I'm having a wedding and reception for 200 people all for about $2000. I'll be going without a few things, but it's worth it because I don't want to wait to get married.

Hope this helps. E-mail me if you want any tips or advice.

[Octoberbride15]

Cashy,

I know exactly how you feel. I'm getting married in August and my parents can't pay a cent. I was angry at first, but I later realised that it was selfish of me. I wanted what I wanted at their expense. Does that sound fair?

"Mom, Dad, I've decided to get married, and now you have to shell out thousands of dollars to make me happy."

I know that's not what you mean to sound like, but it's a tough line. I would be very, VERY hesitant to say that your parents have never done anything for you. If your mother carried you for 9 months and gave birth to you, if your parents changed your diapers, if they paid to feed you, clothe you and house you for at least the first 17 or 18 years of your life, then you can't say that they've never done anything for you.
Please tell me how you are doing this and what exsactly are you doing without
My parents never paid for me to go to college, nor have they paid for any of my medical treatment. They couldn't, though.

How long is your engagement going to be? That can play a huge role in what your parents can or cannot do. If it's 1 or 2 years, then they'll have some time to save up. If it's 6 months, then you're asking a whole lot of them to pay for a wedding in that amount of time.

I could have had a 1 or 2 year engagement and my parents would have been able to contribute money towards the wedding, but I wanted to get married in 6 months, so I am paying for it on my own, and rightfully so.

The key is saving up. The little sacrifices lead to big savings. I opened a separate checking account just for the wedding. I only spend my paycheck on bills, gas for my car, and lunch at work. No clothes. No CDs. No DVD, no goodies. If you want a nice wedding, you have to make sacrifices.

In 6 months, I will have saved up $2000. Combining that with some budgeting strategies (if you want any advice, I have tons, you can e-mail me tenseikaito@aol.com ), I'm having a wedding and reception for 200 people all for about $2000. I'll be going without a few things, but it's worth it because I don't want to wait to get married.

Hope this helps. E-mail me if you want any tips or advice.
How are you doing all of this for 2000 dollars for 200 poeple and what are you doing without that you wish you had?

[ca_dawson]

You guys have me cracking up at work! I think you all said it very well! I have nothing to add! I just replied back to the other post, but I guess I didn't realize she was on two posts! Nicely put guys! :D

[ca_dawson]

you really shouldnt announce that you are getting married april 2006 until october of 2005...I laugh when I see people announcing weddings almost a year away...who remembers?! but that's me?

Uh.....what are you smoking lady? I haven't "announced" my wedding. Are you talking about my signature at the end? That is just something alot of people put on the bottom as their signatures when they post. It is not an annoucement of any sort. If you want to attack people then you need to go sign up for theknot.com message board. That stuff flies there but not here. We do not appreciate your negative energy and constantly critisizing everything we do. It's really none of your business how we conduct our wedding. What are you doing on here anyway? You're already married if you haven't noticed and this board is for brides to be and those brides that planned with us and got married and are now sending us helpful advice. You are not giving anyone anything but grief. Is your life really so lame that you need to come on here an attack a bunch of brides planning their beautiful wedding? Get lost!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Kelly1Mickey]

Uh.....what are you smoking lady? I haven't "announced" my wedding. Are you talking about my signature at the end? That is just something alot of people put on the bottom as their signatures when they post. It is not an annoucement of any sort. If you want to attack people then you need to go sign up for theknot.com message board. That stuff flies there but not here. We do not appreciate your negative energy and constantly critisizing everything we do. It's really none of your business how we conduct our wedding. What are you doing on here anyway? You're already married if you haven't noticed and this board is for brides to be and those brides that planned with us and got married and are now sending us helpful advice. You are not giving anyone anything but grief. Is your life really so lame that you need to come on here an attack a bunch of brides planning their beautiful wedding? Get lost!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WOO HOO! That is exactly what I wanted to say! Anyone is welcome that has good advice or constructive criticism! But if you just want to attack us for petty things like the size of our wedding, our budget, or anything else, then please find something better to do with your time.

[SarahK]

Uh.....what are you smoking lady? I haven't "announced" my wedding. Are you talking about my signature at the end? That is just something alot of people put on the bottom as their signatures when they post. It is not an annoucement of any sort. If you want to attack people then you need to go sign up for theknot.com message board. That stuff flies there but not here. We do not appreciate your negative energy and constantly critisizing everything we do. It's really none of your business how we conduct our wedding. What are you doing on here anyway? You're already married if you haven't noticed and this board is for brides to be and those brides that planned with us and got married and are now sending us helpful advice. You are not giving anyone anything but grief. Is your life really so lame that you need to come on here an attack a bunch of brides planning their beautiful wedding? Get lost!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Preach sister!!! Right on!

[carmela]

you really shouldnt announce that you are getting married april 2006 until october of 2005...I laugh when I see people announcing weddings almost a year away...who remembers?! but that's me?


To answer your question of who remembers: I do along my family and friends. I got engaged Jan 22, 2005 and I announced I was getting married sept 2006 the NEXT DAY and the following week later I had set a date SEPTEMBER 30, 2006 and told everyone that I ***e in contact with. By the end of Feb. I had my hall, church, photographer, videographer, band, and dj all booked for my SEPTEMBER 30, 2006 WEDDING. We asked all of our attendants the following weekend that we got engaged. AND GUESS WHAT MY WEDDING WAS ONLY 18 MONTHS AWAY!!!. AND I HAVE ACCOMPLISHED ALL THAT.... You must have a short term memory for when people tell you IMPORTANT things that happen in their lives... or am I just ASSUMING that??

[Cashy98]

To answer your question of who remembers: I do along my family and friends. I got engaged Jan 22, 2005 and I announced I was getting married sept 2006 the NEXT DAY and the following week later I had set a date SEPTEMBER 30, 2006 and told everyone that I ***e in contact with. By the end of Feb. I had my hall, church, photographer, videographer, band, and dj all booked for my SEPTEMBER 30, 2006 WEDDING. We asked all of our attendants the following weekend that we got engaged. AND GUESS WHAT MY WEDDING WAS ONLY 18 MONTHS AWAY!!!. AND I HAVE ACCOMPLISHED ALL THAT.... You must have a short term memory for when people tell you IMPORTANT things that happen in their lives... or am I just ASSUMING that??
Good point! This is not to mention that when people learn that you are engaged (even if its just because they noticed your ring), that they won't be asking about the date. My wedding is over a year away yet and my FH family wanted to know right away when it was going to be. Believe me, they won't be forgetting. ;)

[KHADDEN]

Is This The First Time That You Have Been In A Realtionship That Has The Potiental Of Being The Real Thing Or Have You Been In More Than One That Was Like Tthis One? How Long Have You Been Together?

[katieecat]

yes, have it n the bk yard or park somewhere. have someone certified to read the promises, even a friend can get certified online easily, by just applying. then use free e-vites online to send all your friends and relatives about this engagement and your date and ask them to give money in advance to help out with your wedding. every little bit helps. and if the money is enough, then you can order chinese banquet takeout for everyone....if you're old enough to want to marry, you should be old enough to take care of it yourself. And instead of asking for money, you can ask them to borrow money and pay them back later, when you get more money from guests or from your own savings. you can do it.

My boyfriend and I have been talking a lot about getting married (we're not offically engaged yet) and my parents flat out told me that they weren't going to even help pay for the wedding. My mom thinks we should run to the court house and call it good. My boyfriend and I have NO money. But I don't want to have a courthouse wedding. And I know if I don't have the nice wedding I've always dreamed of, I'll regret it. Don't get me wrong, just getting married would be wonderful... and I know being together is what really counts. But still, don't I deserve to have a nice wedding? The cost is the only thing holding us back. My mom said that they couldn't afford helping pay for a wedding. But I don't think that's necessarily true. They just bought a new truck! Are they being selfish? Am I being selfish? What can I do? This is so depressing. :(

[Iavasgil]

My boyfriend and I have been talking a lot about getting married (we're not offically engaged yet) and my parents flat out told me that they weren't going to even help pay for the wedding. My mom thinks we should run to the court house and call it good. My boyfriend and I have NO money. But I don't want to have a courthouse wedding. And I know if I don't have the nice wedding I've always dreamed of, I'll regret it. Don't get me wrong, just getting married would be wonderful... and I know being together is what really counts. But still, don't I deserve to have a nice wedding? The cost is the only thing holding us back. My mom said that they couldn't afford helping pay for a wedding. But I don't think that's necessarily true. They just bought a new truck! Are they being selfish? Am I being selfish? What can I do? This is so depressing. :(

My parents have been divorced since my 9th birthday. Ever since, they have been feuding over the cost of everything from my college education and health insurance coverage, to my wedding. My father's reaction, when my FH asked him for my hand, was "I'm not paying for it! Your mother is!"

Well, this causes problems. My mother has recently moved and is still trying to sell her old house. There isn't much money. I was very hurt about my father's reaction, especially since I am the only child he is likely to see married. I also understand the "I have no money to give you" stunt. My father has told me this for years, but always manages to go out and buy the most expensive speakers for his new entertainment system that he can. I've learned to get over it, but I also talked to my grandparents. My mother is willing to help with what she can, but it isn't much money-wise. I am blessed that she is an excellent seamstress and wants to make my dress, the bridesmaid and MH dresses, and my FH's tux. My grandparents are not saying yes or no, but my father has recently become a lot more interested and open to ideas about paying. I am still an undergraduate student, and my FH is going to be a graduate student this fall, so there isn't much money we can put aside, but we are trying.

Personally, I don't think you are being selfish. I have always felt that parents should view their child's wedding as a happy day of celebration. It bugs me that many tend to think of the cost first, but such is life. The best advice I can give you is to plan on doing it yourself, but don't give up on your parent's helping. Keep working at them. You never know, they may come around. You may want to consider having a ceremony but just a cake and punch reception. You may also want to forgo the large reception idea, and simply take the two of you and your wedding party to a nice restaurant afterward. This gives you the chance to visit with your closest friends without having to feed people you are not interested in talking to.

[Cashy98]

My parents have been divorced since my 9th birthday. Ever since, they have been feuding over the cost of everything from my college education and health insurance coverage, to my wedding. My father's reaction, when my FH asked him for my hand, was "I'm not paying for it! Your mother is!"

Well, this causes problems. My mother has recently moved and is still trying to sell her old house. There isn't much money. I was very hurt about my father's reaction, especially since I am the only child he is likely to see married. I also understand the "I have no money to give you" stunt. My father has told me this for years, but always manages to go out and buy the most expensive speakers for his new entertainment system that he can. I've learned to get over it, but I also talked to my grandparents. My mother is willing to help with what she can, but it isn't much money-wise. I am blessed that she is an excellent seamstress and wants to make my dress, the bridesmaid and MH dresses, and my FH's tux. My grandparents are not saying yes or no, but my father has recently become a lot more interested and open to ideas about paying. I am still an undergraduate student, and my FH is going to be a graduate student this fall, so there isn't much money we can put aside, but we are trying.

Personally, I don't think you are being selfish. I have always felt that parents should view their child's wedding as a happy day of celebration. It bugs me that many tend to think of the cost first, but such is life. The best advice I can give you is to plan on doing it yourself, but don't give up on your parent's helping. Keep working at them. You never know, they may come around. You may want to consider having a ceremony but just a cake and punch reception. You may also want to forgo the large reception idea, and simply take the two of you and your wedding party to a nice restaurant afterward. This gives you the chance to visit with your closest friends without having to feed people you are not interested in talking to.

Thank you for being so sweet and understanding. My parents have come around a bit. They have said that they will help pay for a few things but they still don't like the idea of having to come. And my dad is refusing to walk me down the aisle or dance with me. They don't have anything against my FH, they just have their own psychological problems (and I'm not saying that lightly, I'm serious). Neither of my parents like attention and neither of them like social situations. I don't like how my mom holds the "giving us money" thing over my head whenever she is upset about something. But we'll just try to pay for as much as we can ourselves and have my parents loan us the rest of the money. I told my mom that, if it would help them, that we would try to pay back as much as we can later. I think the financial part of the wedding will turn out okay one way or another. Its just dealing with my mom that has me upset right now. Oh well... I'm sure everyone has some kind of similar problem.

[Cashy98]

Is This The First Time That You Have Been In A Realtionship That Has The Potiental Of Being The Real Thing Or Have You Been In More Than One That Was Like Tthis One? How Long Have You Been Together?

Are you asking me? My FH and I have been together for 7 years. And we've lived together for most of that time. This is the only time I've ever been engaged... but I'm not going to say I didn't have boyfriends before my FH. ;) But, I think my parents knew in the back of their minds that when we first starting dating, that this was going to be a long term thing. We decided to wait to have money to get married... but I think my FH just woke up one day and realized that we were never going to have any money... at least not the kind that we are hoping for. Plus, he's going to be 30 here in less than 2 months. I think he just decided there was no point in delaying things anymore. We have been together for 7 YEARS after all. :)

[girlnpink01]

Are you asking me? My FH and I have been together for 7 years. And we've lived together for most of that time. This is the only time I've ever been engaged... but I'm not going to say I didn't have boyfriends before my FH. ;) But, I think my parents knew in the back of their minds that when we first starting dating, that this was going to be a long term thing. We decided to wait to have money to get married... but I think my FH just woke up one day and realized that we were never going to have any money... at least not the kind that we are hoping for. Plus, he's going to be 30 here in less than 2 months. I think he just decided there was no point in delaying things anymore. We have been together for 7 YEARS after all. :)

I'm not sure when your wedding is, but there are a few ideas for raising money for the reception. First of all, if he's having a bachelor party, his groomsmen can always have raffles. At my FH's bachelor party, they bought a decent DVD player for about $65, then sold raffle tickets not only at his party, but to people in the family and at work. They ended up with almost $400 for a DVD player that was 65 bucks. You could do it with a bunch of things. Also, I once went to this wedding which was pretty cool. They got married in a park, and had their reception at a banquet hall, but instead of them paying for it, they asked for a $15 dollar donation *the price of the food*, and that would be the wedding gift to them. Nobody thought it was cheesy, it was actually pretty smart, and people still gave them gifts besides that anyways. Just thought I'd throw a few ideas out there, good luck!!!

[Marsha]

I'm not sure when your wedding is, but there are a few ideas for raising money for the reception. First of all, if he's having a bachelor party, his groomsmen can always have raffles. At my FH's bachelor party, they bought a decent DVD player for about $65, then sold raffle tickets not only at his party, but to people in the family and at work. They ended up with almost $400 for a DVD player that was 65 bucks. You could do it with a bunch of things. Also, I once went to this wedding which was pretty cool. They got married in a park, and had their reception at a banquet hall, but instead of them paying for it, they asked for a $15 dollar donation *the price of the food*, and that would be the wedding gift to them. Nobody thought it was cheesy, it was actually pretty smart, and people still gave them gifts besides that anyways. Just thought I'd throw a few ideas out there, good luck!!!
ummm that does sound kinda cheesed to me. I would be aking what the donation was for.

[Cashy98]

I'm not sure when your wedding is, but there are a few ideas for raising money for the reception. First of all, if he's having a bachelor party, his groomsmen can always have raffles. At my FH's bachelor party, they bought a decent DVD player for about $65, then sold raffle tickets not only at his party, but to people in the family and at work. They ended up with almost $400 for a DVD player that was 65 bucks. You could do it with a bunch of things. Also, I once went to this wedding which was pretty cool. They got married in a park, and had their reception at a banquet hall, but instead of them paying for it, they asked for a $15 dollar donation *the price of the food*, and that would be the wedding gift to them. Nobody thought it was cheesy, it was actually pretty smart, and people still gave them gifts besides that anyways. Just thought I'd throw a few ideas out there, good luck!!!
Well I have less than a year to save... we're getting married on June 17th. The donation thing sounds a little weird. I do like the raffle thing... but I doubt we know enough people to sell tickets to. My FH works for his brother and with one other guy... and that kind of thing is not allowed at the place I work. We have thought about what we could sell on e-bay though! Unfortunately I don't think our junk will add up to much. Perhaps we should go to some auctions and buy some stuff for cheap that we know would sell for more on e-bay. I'm getting kind of desparate here. If we eat nothing but bird food for the next year, we'll still only be able to save up $1200. And the bill... well the bill is a bit more than that. :eek:
Thanks for the suggestions though. We might be able to figure something out.

[tiny_toy]

My boyfriend and I have been talking a lot about getting married (we're not offically engaged yet) and my parents flat out told me that they weren't going to even help pay for the wedding. My mom thinks we should run to the court house and call it good. My boyfriend and I have NO money. But I don't want to have a courthouse wedding. And I know if I don't have the nice wedding I've always dreamed of, I'll regret it. Don't get me wrong, just getting married would be wonderful... and I know being together is what really counts. But still, don't I deserve to have a nice wedding? The cost is the only thing holding us back. My mom said that they couldn't afford helping pay for a wedding. But I don't think that's necessarily true. They just bought a new truck! Are they being selfish? Am I being selfish? What can I do? This is so depressing. :(

Cashy98 - sorry to see things are starting off so depressing. I don't think you're being selfish at all! Have you considered a destination wedding for just the 2 of you? That would cover your wedding expenses plus honeymoon in one. Some destinations/resorts offer a free wedding when you stay for a certain period of time. You wouldn't have to worry about hosting a reception and it would be very romantic! Just a thought. My fiance and I went to Jamaica a few years ago and stayed at Couples Negril. It was beautiful and I did see they do weddings, for free, when you stay at their resort. We booked the vacation on a discount-all-inclusive website vs. going through the hotel directly so it saved us tons of money. Total cost for the 2 of us including airfare from Boston and a 6-night stay at the super-all-inclusive resort was $3000. Plus they have a strict no tipping policy. If our families weren't being so generous with their contributions toward our wedding I would definitely consider doing this! Wedding + 6-night honeymoon for $3000 total, can't beat it. Just don't go during hurricane season!
Best of Luck! :)

[tiny_toy]

Cashy98 - sorry to see things are starting off so depressing. I don't think you're being selfish at all! Have you considered a destination wedding for just the 2 of you? That would cover your wedding expenses plus honeymoon in one. Some destinations/resorts offer a free wedding when you stay for a certain period of time. You wouldn't have to worry about hosting a reception and it would be very romantic! Just a thought. My fiance and I went to Jamaica a few years ago and stayed at Couples Negril. It was beautiful and I did see they do weddings, for free, when you stay at their resort. We booked the vacation on a discount-all-inclusive website vs. going through the hotel directly so it saved us tons of money. Total cost for the 2 of us including airfare from Boston and a 6-night stay at the super-all-inclusive resort was $3000. Plus they have a strict no tipping policy. If our families weren't being so generous with their contributions toward our wedding I would definitely consider doing this! Wedding + 6-night honeymoon for $3000 total, can't beat it. Just don't go during hurricane season!
Best of Luck! :)

FYI - the website we booked our all inclusive vacation at was
www.discount-all-inclusive.com

We stayed at Couples Negril in Jamaica during the month of April. Their website is www.couples.com and contains some information around their wedding packages.

And when I say "all inclusive" I really mean it. Such as that if we asked for a bottle of champagne they gave us one. The restaurants were excellent. Everything was beautiful!

Ok, best of luck again.

[aurelia]

Wait a minute. You and your fh have been together for seven years and living together for most of that and you still expect your parents to pay for a wedding??? I think the time for that is passed. I think you're both old enough to host your own wedding. If it's really a problem, if you've already been living together for that long, what's another couple years to save up some money?

[Cashy98]

Wait a minute. You and your fh have been together for seven years and living together for most of that and you still expect your parents to pay for a wedding??? I think the time for that is passed. I think you're both old enough to host your own wedding. If it's really a problem, if you've already been living together for that long, what's another couple years to save up some money?
I certainly do think its "past time". I work with a lot of older women... they are about my parents' age. And they have children who are older... like in their 30's and have been dating someone for some time and even living with someone for some time. And they have said that they felt it was their duty as a parent to help their children with their weddings when the time ***e. I don't think that us living together for 7 years has anything to do with it. We are still struggling... we are still in school... we still want to have a nice wedding. Plus I think it will be more than a couple of years before we can pay for a wedding on our own. Its not that I'm INSISTING that my parents help us... I'm just a little hurt that they don't want to simply because they don't want to go to the wedding (because they are antisocial... they don't hate my FH or anything). Perhaps its more popular where I'm at... I just know a lot of people who have had help with their weddings from their parents. One coworker of mine is 28, and she had been living with her FH for 4 years or so. Her parents paid for their entire wedding. I'm not that old, I'll be 24 in less than a month. (and yes... I was 17 when I moved out).

[Kelly1Mickey]

I certainly do think its "past time". I work with a lot of older women... they are about my parents' age. And they have children who are older... like in their 30's and have been dating someone for some time and even living with someone for some time. And they have said that they felt it was their duty as a parent to help their children with their weddings when the time ***e. I don't think that us living together for 7 years has anything to do with it. We are still struggling... we are still in school... we still want to have a nice wedding. Plus I think it will be more than a couple of years before we can pay for a wedding on our own. Its not that I'm INSISTING that my parents help us... I'm just a little hurt that they don't want to simply because they don't want to go to the wedding (because they are antisocial... they don't hate my FH or anything). Perhaps its more popular where I'm at... I just know a lot of people who have had help with their weddings from their parents. One coworker of mine is 28, and she had been living with her FH for 4 years or so. Her parents paid for their entire wedding. I'm not that old, I'll be 24 in less than a month. (and yes... I was 17 when I moved out).

I just wanted to let you know that I have lived with my FH for 4 years and my parents are paying for my wedding. I told them that they don't have to, but they really want to. I would never ask them to pay for it, but I have to admit that if they didn't offer, I would be a little sad. AND, on top of that, this is my FH's second marriage. And his mom is still wanting to pay for the rehearsal dinner and is giving us the honeymoon as a gift. None of which I expected at all. I am not saying these things to brag, I am just letting you know that I understand how you feel. :) I thought you might feel a little "judged" after the previous post. I don't think she meant it that way, but I thought you might take it like she didn't think you 'deserved' to have your parents host your wedding. (by the way, I am older than you too, which would be one more reason I should pay for my own wedding ;) )

[aurelia]

I apologise if that ***e across the wrong way. I, by no means, meant to imply that you didn't deserve to have your parents pay for a nice wedding or to make you feel judged. Basically, I've lived on my own for about 5 years and both my fh and I will have graduated college by the time we get married. My parents basically feel that since we've been on our own for so long, that we should pay for the wedding (although I think they might pay for my dress.) The pattern I've noticed in most of the weddings I've been to recently is that the amount of money the parents give to the couple is pretty much dependant on how long they've been on their own. I just thought that's how it was across the board. Again, I'm really sorry if I offended you. I didn't mean to.

[BriTia Consulting]

I will probably get alot of flack for this post but I am going to speak my mind anyway

I am not sure how many of you posting that she is in there right are gen x like I am but I have notice that many people in my generation have a sense of intitlement and are self centered.

Firstly noting in life is promiced to you. Nothing that is worth having comes easy. If you want your dream wedding and your parents can't or won't pay for it, I guess it will be something you and your fiancee will have to work for.

Secondly, your parent's financial situation is franly none of your buisness. There are certain things parents my not want to discuss with thier children and that is one at the top of the list. Weither they have the money and just don't want to pay for the wedding or they can't afford it that is it there is no getting around it. that is thier money and their decision. When I started planning my wedding I know it would have to be on a tight budget because we were going to pay for it ourselves, but my parents offered to pay for it but I also had a $5,000 budget(which as far as wedding costs is a drop in the bucket.). I didn't got to my mom and say mom I am getting married fork over the cash, or You have to give me my dream wedding. and we did a lot of compromising Like my dress was $700 and more that my mom budgeted to spend so I decided to pay for half and the alterations so that I got the dress I wanted I didn't say I want this dress and your going to pay.

Lastly, If you can't have the big church wedding there are other alternatives besides going to the court house. You can get married on a cruise, not a fancy ceramony but a small one and invite your maid of honor and best man if they can afford the tickest and have a small exchange of vows, a nice dinner....etc It doen't have to cost you an arm and a leg and most cruises are about $150-$300 depening on the time of year or if you want port side or not and how fancy you want to go. Most if they include everything exept liquor. For a few extra bucks you can also do some excursions like scuba diving, swimming with dolphins .... Etc.

You can have a nice wedding with out having a big fancy wedding with 300 guests and a three course meal.

Just my opinion, I don't think you should sit down and try to get them to layout their financial protfolio for you and make them prove they can't afford it, but I think you should sit down and maybe say something like I was hurt that you were unwilling to help pay for my wedding at all and maybe there is a way we can compromise. but if your parents say no then that is that and you will have to find another way or not get married at all. Not everyone can afford the Jessica Simpson wedding that many dream of.

[Kelly1Mickey]

I don't know who was posting that they thought she was "in the right". I am not about to go back over all these posts to see if somebody said that either. But, if you are directing that towards me, because I posted something that sort of defended her, then you are getting the wrong idea. I don't think that anybody should EXPECT their parents to pay. I was only stating that I can understand being disappointed that the parents aren't paying. I am also disappointed I don't win the lottery each week, but I am not about to go take it out on the clerk at 7-11.

If I remember this thread right, there were some medical bills and things that were adding to this bride's stress. I think she was mostly looking for a place to whine for a bit (which we all need) and that is part of the reason that I love the ladies on this board so much. For the most part, you can share your joys and your sorrows without being judged.

[BriTia Consulting]

I don't know who was posting that they thought she was "in the right". I am not about to go back over all these posts to see if somebody said that either. But, if you are directing that towards me, because I posted something that sort of defended her, then you are getting the wrong idea. I don't think that anybody should EXPECT their parents to pay. I was only stating that I can understand being disappointed that the parents aren't paying. I am also disappointed I don't win the lottery each week, but I am not about to go take it out on the clerk at 7-11.

If I remember this thread right, there were some medical bills and things that were adding to this bride's stress. I think she was mostly looking for a place to whine for a bit (which we all need) and that is part of the reason that I love the ladies on this board so much. For the most part, you can share your joys and your sorrows without being judged.

I am saying that is rediculous and childish to get mad at your parents who have decided not to pay for your dream wedding no matter what the reason and go back and thow a fit about it until you get your way. That sounds like something my 2 year old does and It doen't work for her.

Frankly if my parents said to me well we never thought you would get married so we didn't set money asside for you, I wouldn't even ask again why would I want to take money from someone I feel thinks very little of me I would find a way to pay for it myself and make it better that what they could have provided.

As a parent this is my belief as a parent I must provide food, shelter, clothing, love, Nurturing and making sure they have what they need to become sucessful adults. Everything after that is just a icing on the cake. Under no circumstaces is it a requirement that a parent must give their daughter the $20,000 + wedding she wants.

Maybe there are things that she may not know. For instance my husband and I decided long before we got married that if we had children I would be at home with them at least the first few years of thier life. While being a stay at home mom is great, there are sacrifices I have to make to be able to do it. Like the only new clothes I get are on christmas and my birthday, while I make sure my kids have the clothes they need. My husband make's good money but we are a middle class family and spending extra's on ourselvs is something rare. Maybe your parents feel like it is thier job is over and it is time to rediscover themselvs since thier children are out of the house and want the extras for themselves that they gave up while raising their children. It just seems really selfish to hang your wedding dreams on someone elses wallet.

[Kelly1Mickey]

I am saying that is rediculous and childish to get mad at your parents who have decided not to pay for your dream wedding no matter what the reason and go back and thow a fit about it until you get your way. That sounds like something my 2 year old does and It doen't work for her.

Frankly if my parents said to me well we never thought you would get married so we didn't set money asside for you, I wouldn't even ask again why would I want to take money from someone I feel thinks very little of me I would find a way to pay for it myself and make it better that what they could have provided.

As a parent this is my belief as a parent I must provide food, shelter, clothing, love, Nurturing and making sure they have what they need to become sucessful adults. Everything after that is just a icing on the cake. Under no circumstaces is it a requirement that a parent must give their daughter the $20,000 + wedding she wants.

Maybe there are things that she may not know. For instance my husband and I decided long before we got married that if we had children I would be at home with them at least the first few years of thier life. While being a stay at home mom is great, there are sacrifices I have to make to be able to do it. Like the only new clothes I get are on christmas and my birthday, while I make sure my kids have the clothes they need. My husband make's good money but we are a middle class family and spending extra's on ourselvs is something rare. Maybe your parents feel like it is thier job is over and it is time to rediscover themselvs since thier children are out of the house and want the extras for themselves that they gave up while raising their children. It just seems really selfish to hang your wedding dreams on someone elses wallet.

Well, now that you are replying directly to my post, I guess that you ARE talking to me. And I already stated that I NEVER expected my parents to pay for my wedding...it is something that THEY WANTED to do for me. Yes, I am very fortunate. IF you are actually meaning to direct your comments to Cashy, I think that what she needs are good tips on how to do her wedding on a budget. If her parents decided to help her, that is there problem...not yours.

[Cashy98]

I am saying that is rediculous and childish to get mad at your parents who have decided not to pay for your dream wedding no matter what the reason and go back and thow a fit about it until you get your way. That sounds like something my 2 year old does and It doen't work for her.

Frankly if my parents said to me well we never thought you would get married so we didn't set money asside for you, I wouldn't even ask again why would I want to take money from someone I feel thinks very little of me I would find a way to pay for it myself and make it better that what they could have provided.

As a parent this is my belief as a parent I must provide food, shelter, clothing, love, Nurturing and making sure they have what they need to become sucessful adults. Everything after that is just a icing on the cake. Under no circumstaces is it a requirement that a parent must give their daughter the $20,000 + wedding she wants.

Maybe there are things that she may not know. For instance my husband and I decided long before we got married that if we had children I would be at home with them at least the first few years of thier life. While being a stay at home mom is great, there are sacrifices I have to make to be able to do it. Like the only new clothes I get are on christmas and my birthday, while I make sure my kids have the clothes they need. My husband make's good money but we are a middle class family and spending extra's on ourselvs is something rare. Maybe your parents feel like it is thier job is over and it is time to rediscover themselvs since thier children are out of the house and want the extras for themselves that they gave up while raising their children. It just seems really selfish to hang your wedding dreams on someone elses wallet.

Whoa! $20,000 weddings? What country are you from? I never, NEVER said I wanted a $20,000 wedding. Its more like $5,000... if that. And even that we can't really afford. As for being childish... perhaps, but I never said that I was begging or throwing a fit at my parents like a little brat! All I'm saying is that it hurts that my parents won't even offer to help (which, BTY they finally said they'd loan us some money for the wedding...and that is find). All I was saying is that every girl dreams of her wedding day... and every girl pretty much (at least half-way) thinks her parents would LOVE to help make that happen for her. Sure, I might be acting a little selfish... but my parents didn't have to come across so harshly in the beginning. Nothing like getting your dreams crushed, ya know?

[Cashy98]

If I remember this thread right, there were some medical bills and things that were adding to this bride's stress. I think she was mostly looking for a place to whine for a bit (which we all need) and that is part of the reason that I love the ladies on this board so much. For the most part, you can share your joys and your sorrows without being judged.
Thank you! All I'm looking for is a place to vent. I'm just a little frustrated right now. And instead of getting some understanding or helpful advice, I've been attacked. I realize that I've come across as a bit childish... but do you guys actually think I went over to my parents' house and threw a fit on their living room floor?

[Cashy98]

I apologise if that ***e across the wrong way. I, by no means, meant to imply that you didn't deserve to have your parents pay for a nice wedding or to make you feel judged. Basically, I've lived on my own for about 5 years and both my fh and I will have graduated college by the time we get married. My parents basically feel that since we've been on our own for so long, that we should pay for the wedding (although I think they might pay for my dress.) The pattern I've noticed in most of the weddings I've been to recently is that the amount of money the parents give to the couple is pretty much dependant on how long they've been on their own. I just thought that's how it was across the board. Again, I'm really sorry if I offended you. I didn't mean to.
It's okay, I'm not mad. You've been nicer than some of the other people here.

[ca_dawson]

Cashy, don't get offended. If you noticed the girl that posted said her parents DID pay for her wedding so what could she possibly know about the subject? I'm in the same boat, neither sets of parents putting forth a dirty penny and yes it does hurt. In my case, my mom has helped 2 of my COUSINS pay for their wedding, but won't even help HER OWN DAUGHTER!!! How hurtful is that to me? But that's just how my mom is. She will go to the end of the world to help anyone out EXCEPT her own children. I'm so convinced that my mom truly hates us! People who aren't in this situation have no right responding rudely. Advice is always welcome as it is a public board, but for someone who did have their parent's help, they can't really relate. I understand being angry and hurt and it's not childish, just hurt feelings. I know that parents don't have to, but generally it's tradition for them too. It wasn't a problem 20 years ago for parents to pay so why is it now? Brides and grooms weren't paying for their own weddings back then! So I really don't understand how it's a "generation X selfishness" issue. Everyone is entitled to their own opinions and that's just what they are, opinions. You've got enough stress so don't stress over someone's opinion. Take it with a grain of salt. Smile! You're marrying the man of your dreams! :D

[Arien]

It wasn't a problem 20 years ago for parents to pay so why is it now? Brides and grooms weren't paying for their own weddings back then!


I have to disagree with this. My parents paid for their own wedding 30 years ago, and my grandparents all paid for their own as well. Not everyone can afford to pay for their children's weddings (my mother was one of six kids! Imagine how much that would have cost her parents over the years). My next-door neighbors also paid for their own wedding over 20 years ago. All of my aunts and uncles paid for their own. It may have been more common for parents to pay back then, but it certainly isn't true that there weren't any brides and grooms shelling out for their own weddings.

Parents used to pay for their daughter's wedding as an incentive to the groom. It was something along the lines of "Here, take our daughter off our hands. We'll pay for it!" It was considered part of the bridal dowry. A woman's primary duty was to provide children to her husband, which pretty much any woman could do. So a large dowry would help sweeten the pot.

Nowadays things are much different. Women are perfectly capable of supporting themselves. Many couples are financially independent at the time of their weddings, and many are already living together. You're right that it would be a nice gesture for parents to pay, but it's my opinion that if a couple cannot even afford their own wedding, then maybe they are not ready for the responsibilities (and expenses) of married life.

My fiance and I never even considered asking our parents to pay for our wedding. My parents have offered to pay for our cake and help with the cost of food, but I know they can't do much and I don't expect them to. I'm grateful that they've offered, but I never expected them to. FH's parents haven't offered any help at all, and that doesn't bother us. We have always planned to pay for our own wedding, and to do what we can afford and do it when we can afford it. After all, if we can't afford to have a wedding, how can we expect to afford a house, children, etc.?

[ca_dawson]

I have to disagree with this. My parents paid for their own wedding 30 years ago, and my grandparents all paid for their own as well. Not everyone can afford to pay for their children's weddings (my mother was one of six kids! Imagine how much that would have cost her parents over the years). My next-door neighbors also paid for their own wedding over 20 years ago. All of my aunts and uncles paid for their own. It may have been more common for parents to pay back then, but it certainly isn't true that there weren't any brides and grooms shelling out for their own weddings.

Parents used to pay for their daughter's wedding as an incentive to the groom. It was something along the lines of "Here, take our daughter off our hands. We'll pay for it!" It was considered part of the bridal dowry. A woman's primary duty was to provide children to her husband, which pretty much any woman could do. So a large dowry would help sweeten the pot.

Nowadays things are much different. Women are perfectly capable of supporting themselves. Many couples are financially independent at the time of their weddings, and many are already living together. You're right that it would be a nice gesture for parents to pay, but it's my opinion that if a couple cannot even afford their own wedding, then maybe they are not ready for the responsibilities (and expenses) of married life.

My fiance and I never even considered asking our parents to pay for our wedding. My parents have offered to pay for our cake and help with the cost of food, but I know they can't do much and I don't expect them to. I'm grateful that they've offered, but I never expected them to. FH's parents haven't offered any help at all, and that doesn't bother us. We have always planned to pay for our own wedding, and to do what we can afford and do it when we can afford it. After all, if we can't afford to have a wedding, how can we expect to afford a house, children, etc.?
I never expected to get any help of any sort from either of my parents. They can't even take care of themselves, much less try to help me in any shape or form. Hell they couldn't even afford to feed us growing up (but of course could go to Red Lobster for their dinner while the children sat at home starving) I don't want a dime from my mother. Then she will hold it over my head for the next 20 years. No thanks! Bottom line is I have been on my own since 16, am putting myself through college, bought my own car, pay my owns bills and am paying for my own wedding and I'm perfectly fine with that. The part that gets me is that my mother DID help my cousin pay for her second wedding when her parents were perfectly capable of paying and did pay for it while she was living off of unemployement, but can't do ***** for me or my other sisters, her OWN daughters. My mom hates her children and won't lift a finger for her own flesh and blood that she carried for 9 months but would go to the end of the world for anyone else. My problem is with my mom's lack of love for her children, not lack of funds. I'm not meaning to sound harsh or anything, I just am totally disquisted with my mom's attitude towards us our entire lives. It's very emotionally scarring and it really hurts always being told your whole life that you are "hated" and a "mistake that cost her her life" It hurts to see happy moms and daughters dress shopping and not have that in my life. I hide my hurt behind my anger but deep down all I've ever wanted from my mom was love and that's something she's not willing to give.

[Arien]

I don't want a dime from my mother. Then she will hold it over my head for the next 20 years. No thanks!



This strikes a cord with me as well. FH's parents haven't offered a dime, and I'm actually glad because his mother is very controlling and has to always have her way, so if she paid for anything I know she'd want to control how it's done. No thank you!

FH and I are more than happy to pay for pretty much everything ourselves. That way no one but us gets to decide how things are done. ;)


CA Dawson, I'm so sorry that you have such a crappy relationship with your mom. Children deserve to be loved by their parents, and it sounds like you and your siblings really got shafted. I don't blame you for feeling so badly about it.

[ca_dawson]

This strikes a cord with me as well. FH's parents haven't offered a dime, and I'm actually glad because his mother is very controlling and has to always have her way, so if she paid for anything I know she'd want to control how it's done. No thank you!

FH and I are more than happy to pay for pretty much everything ourselves. That way no one but us gets to decide how things are done. ;)


CA Dawson, I'm so sorry that you have such a crappy relationship with your mom. Children deserve to be loved by their parents, and it sounds like you and your siblings really got shafted. I don't blame you for feeling so badly about it.
Well I have the best sisters and we are so close because of it! And I really have great people all around me in my life! I'm not the one missing out, she is! God never gives you obstacles you can't handle. It's made me the person I am today and I wouldn't trade that for the world. Yeah it still hurts, but I have great sisters, grandmother, the best FH and great people in my life so I'm really blessed! :D

[tickie]

I have thought long and hard over the state of what weddings have come to in the past 20 years or so.

When my grandparents were married in the early 1920s, they had a very lavish affair - 350 guests for a sit down dinner in her parent's home, expensive dress, gorgeous flowers all over the place. I can't even imagine how much my great-grandparents spent based on what was printed in the Augusta society pages. And she was the fourth daughter! But they had the money to do it and it was what was expected of someone in their social circle. My wedding won't be as impressive because my parents don't move in those circles nor could they afford it.

Now I hear about brides who come from very working class neighborhoods whose parents (and the bridal couple themselves) go into great debt to put on these extravagent weddings. But years ago, these brides would have lovely small weddings in their homes or gardens with close family and friends, wearing their best dress and serving food prepared by people who loved and cared for them.

I guess it is what we see in magazines, tv and movies that fuels the fire for these over the top weddings. And I admit I am guilty of it myself - I read postings on this website about themes, how everything needs to tie in together and I flip out. "Is my wedding cohesive?" "Are the guests going to pick up on the subtle blue polka dots that I hand painted onto the toilet paper are the same ones at the hem of my bridesmaid dresses?" It seems like everything has to be so "done". What happened to having a beautiful, simple wedding?

And before everyone starts to flame my *****, I AM NOT DIRECTING THIS TO ANY ONE PERSON - I AM NOT EVEN SUGGESTING THAT CASHY IS GUILTY OF THINKING OF PLANNING ON DOING THIS FOR HER WEDDING.

I guess I just wish that weddings could be simply beautiful. It seems that so often the bride (and maybe her parents, groom, FILs) lose sight of what this is really about - the union of the couple. That is what the wedding is about. Clearly I needed a rant. Sorry.

[Arien]

Well I have the best sisters and we are so close because of it! And I really have great people all around me in my life! I'm not the one missing out, she is! God never gives you obstacles you can't handle. It's made me the person I am today and I wouldn't trade that for the world. Yeah it still hurts, but I have great sisters, grandmother, the best FH and great people in my life so I'm really blessed! :D


You go girl! Sounds like you have a great attitude about it all. You're right, your mom is the one who's really missing out.


Tickie, I totally agree with you. When my FH and I first started planning our wedding, our budget was much larger. Then reality set in. We just couldn't afford a very big wedding. So we decided what our priorities were and cut everything that wasn't absolutely vital to us. And we ended up postponing our wedding due to finances anyway. In the end, it's the marriage that matters, not the wedding itself. Most of your guests are not going to remember much about your wedding. I've been to several in my life, and I honestly cannot remember much about any of them (and no, it wasn't because I was too drunk, lol! I actually don't drink). I have no idea what the colors were, what the bridesmaid dresses looked like, or what the favors were (or whether or not all the weddings even had favors at all). So I figure why stress about it all, and why spend a fortune on things that probably won't even be remembered by your guests a year from now?

[reecey]

I have thought long and hard over the state of what weddings have come to in the past 20 years or so.

When my grandparents were married in the early 1920s, they had a very lavish affair - 350 guests for a sit down dinner in her parent's home, expensive dress, gorgeous flowers all over the place. I can't even imagine how much my great-grandparents spent based on what was printed in the Augusta society pages. And she was the fourth daughter! But they had the money to do it and it was what was expected of someone in their social circle. My wedding won't be as impressive because my parents don't move in those circles nor could they afford it.

Now I hear about brides who come from very working class neighborhoods whose parents (and the bridal couple themselves) go into great debt to put on these extravagent weddings. But years ago, these brides would have lovely small weddings in their homes or gardens with close family and friends, wearing their best dress and serving food prepared by people who loved and cared for them.

I guess it is what we see in magazines, tv and movies that fuels the fire for these over the top weddings. And I admit I am guilty of it myself - I read postings on this website about themes, how everything needs to tie in together and I flip out. "Is my wedding cohesive?" "Are the guests going to pick up on the subtle blue polka dots that I hand painted onto the toilet paper are the same ones at the hem of my bridesmaid dresses?" It seems like everything has to be so "done". What happened to having a beautiful, simple wedding?

And before everyone starts to flame my *****, I AM NOT DIRECTING THIS TO ANY ONE PERSON - I AM NOT EVEN SUGGESTING THAT CASHY IS GUILTY OF THINKING OF PLANNING ON DOING THIS FOR HER WEDDING.

I guess I just wish that weddings could be simply beautiful. It seems that so often the bride (and maybe her parents, groom, FILs) lose sight of what this is really about - the union of the couple. That is what the wedding is about. Clearly I needed a rant. Sorry.

You're right - that's the way it always has been. I personally think that if a person wants to take artisitc license with their wedding beyond what either someone is willing to help with, then they need to pay for it themselves - that's what I'm doing - but I wanted to pay for it all by myself :)

[babygurl]

I'm actually in the same dillema that you are. it's tough for us to come up with that kind of money without getting any help as we have a ton of bills to pay off, plus we're both still in school. my sis/maid of honor sides with her now and neither of them even want to speak to me! i know either way i won't get exactly what i want, but most parents don't stop speaking to you when you ask for something like that. it hurts because i don't think they even support us getting married. all they care about is me finishing school. :(

[Kelly1Mickey]

I have thought long and hard over the state of what weddings have come to in the past 20 years or so.

When my grandparents were married in the early 1920s, they had a very lavish affair - 350 guests for a sit down dinner in her parent's home, expensive dress, gorgeous flowers all over the place. I can't even imagine how much my great-grandparents spent based on what was printed in the Augusta society pages. And she was the fourth daughter! But they had the money to do it and it was what was expected of someone in their social circle. My wedding won't be as impressive because my parents don't move in those circles nor could they afford it.

Now I hear about brides who come from very working class neighborhoods whose parents (and the bridal couple themselves) go into great debt to put on these extravagent weddings. But years ago, these brides would have lovely small weddings in their homes or gardens with close family and friends, wearing their best dress and serving food prepared by people who loved and cared for them.

I guess it is what we see in magazines, tv and movies that fuels the fire for these over the top weddings. And I admit I am guilty of it myself - I read postings on this website about themes, how everything needs to tie in together and I flip out. "Is my wedding cohesive?" "Are the guests going to pick up on the subtle blue polka dots that I hand painted onto the toilet paper are the same ones at the hem of my bridesmaid dresses?" It seems like everything has to be so "done". What happened to having a beautiful, simple wedding?

And before everyone starts to flame my *****, I AM NOT DIRECTING THIS TO ANY ONE PERSON - I AM NOT EVEN SUGGESTING THAT CASHY IS GUILTY OF THINKING OF PLANNING ON DOING THIS FOR HER WEDDING.

I guess I just wish that weddings could be simply beautiful. It seems that so often the bride (and maybe her parents, groom, FILs) lose sight of what this is really about - the union of the couple. That is what the wedding is about. Clearly I needed a rant. Sorry.

Almost your entire post applies to me, except for the going into debt. Yep, my parents are paying for my wedding. Yep, it will be a bit on the lavish side, but not excessively so. And yep, I am totally detail-oriented...although I had not thought about hand-painting the toilet paper...LOL!

Now, in my defense...You are completely right, the whole point of the day is that at the end, James and I are married to each other. I have said that a hundred times on this forum whenever somebody is stressing about this detail or that detail.

But that doesn't mean that IF my parents CHOOSE to pay for my wedding, there is anything wrong with that. I am an only child and they WANT to throw a beautiful wedding. You can ask my mom, every time a decision has had to be made, I choose the least expensive option because I don't want to put the strain on them. But she assures me that they can afford it easily and without going into debt.

Now, in school, work, and at home I am detail-oriented. And I love to add my own creative touches wherever I can. So, it only makes sense that I would do that with my wedding too. I don't do it because I want my guests to notice. I do it because I LOVE to. I have enjoyed every bit of planning this wedding and I enjoy thinking of cute little details to personalize my wedding.

Please understand that I am not arguing with you. You are completely right. No bride should be stressing about the details, expecting their parents to pay, going into debt, or forgetting the point of the wedding. But, there are some of us whose parents have been planning on paying for this all their lives and there are some of us that LOVE to worry about the little personal touches (except maybe hand-painting toilet paper...that is just going too far LOL).

[Lacey]

Almost your entire post applies to me, except for the going into debt. Yep, my parents are paying for my wedding. Yep, it will be a bit on the lavish side, but not excessively so. And yep, I am totally detail-oriented...although I had not thought about hand-painting the toilet paper...LOL!

Now, in my defense...You are completely right, the whole point of the day is that at the end, James and I are married to each other. I have said that a hundred times on this forum whenever somebody is stressing about this detail or that detail.

But that doesn't mean that IF my parents CHOOSE to pay for my wedding, there is anything wrong with that. I am an only child and they WANT to throw a beautiful wedding. You can ask my mom, every time a decision has had to be made, I choose the least expensive option because I don't want to put the strain on them. But she assures me that they can afford it easily and without going into debt.

Now, in school, work, and at home I am detail-oriented. And I love to add my own creative touches wherever I can. So, it only makes sense that I would do that with my wedding too. I don't do it because I want my guests to notice. I do it because I LOVE to. I have enjoyed every bit of planning this wedding and I enjoy thinking of cute little details to personalize my wedding.

Please understand that I am not arguing with you. You are completely right. No bride should be stressing about the details, expecting their parents to pay, going into debt, or forgetting the point of the wedding. But, there are some of us whose parents have been planning on paying for this all their lives and there are some of us that LOVE to worry about the little personal touches (except maybe hand-painting toilet paper...that is just going too far LOL).

I agree, the wedding is about Sean and I getting married. But, it is also the only excise in my life that I am going to get to throw on hell of a party too! Now my parents are helping with some things as are Sean's parents. But the majority of it is coming out of our own pockets. I wouldn't have it any other way. And, if I want to blow my money (and alot of it) I think I have every right to as long as I can still live my regular life, pay my bills, and not have to live on Hamburger Helper and macaroni and cheese for six months after the wedding.

I want to say that there is nothing wrong with having a huge wedding in a rented space with 300 guests. As long as you can afford it comfortably. There is also nothing wrong with having a small intimate affair. It really just depends on your state of affairs at the time and your personality.

[Arien]

I say if people can afford to have an expensive wedding (or their parents can), then that's what they should have if that's what they want. My FH and I can't, nor can our parents afford to chip in much, so we are going to have the wedding we can afford. Could we have less than we can afford? Of course! We could just do a JP and have no wedding at all. But we want a wedding so we are working hard to make sure we can have what we want and still stay within our budget. I think that's all any bride and groom should do, whether their budget is $100 or $100,000.

[Cashy98]

I have thought long and hard over the state of what weddings have come to in the past 20 years or so.

When my grandparents were married in the early 1920s, they had a very lavish affair - 350 guests for a sit down dinner in her parent's home, expensive dress, gorgeous flowers all over the place. I can't even imagine how much my great-grandparents spent based on what was printed in the Augusta society pages. And she was the fourth daughter! But they had the money to do it and it was what was expected of someone in their social circle. My wedding won't be as impressive because my parents don't move in those circles nor could they afford it.

Now I hear about brides who come from very working class neighborhoods whose parents (and the bridal couple themselves) go into great debt to put on these extravagent weddings. But years ago, these brides would have lovely small weddings in their homes or gardens with close family and friends, wearing their best dress and serving food prepared by people who loved and cared for them.

I guess it is what we see in magazines, tv and movies that fuels the fire for these over the top weddings. And I admit I am guilty of it myself - I read postings on this website about themes, how everything needs to tie in together and I flip out. "Is my wedding cohesive?" "Are the guests going to pick up on the subtle blue polka dots that I hand painted onto the toilet paper are the same ones at the hem of my bridesmaid dresses?" It seems like everything has to be so "done". What happened to having a beautiful, simple wedding?

And before everyone starts to flame my *****, I AM NOT DIRECTING THIS TO ANY ONE PERSON - I AM NOT EVEN SUGGESTING THAT CASHY IS GUILTY OF THINKING OF PLANNING ON DOING THIS FOR HER WEDDING.

I guess I just wish that weddings could be simply beautiful. It seems that so often the bride (and maybe her parents, groom, FILs) lose sight of what this is really about - the union of the couple. That is what the wedding is about. Clearly I needed a rant. Sorry.

Hand painted toilet paper? LOL!
No, I don't think you were accusing me of anything. I understand that I probably ***e off as a little bit bad and selfish when this thread was originally started... but I'm really not like that. I was just hurt by my parents. I dreamed and dreamed all of my life about my wedding... and suddenly all my dreams were shattered. It really hurts when you're parents aren't thrilled to help and aren't thrilled that their only daughter was getting married (can you believe my parents didn't even congratulate us when we told them the news?). I understand that they have their reasons... and perhaps they really can't afford it, but it still hurts. They could have been a little bit nicer about it... you know, expressing an interest in helping but they just can't afford it and they are really sorry. But no... I was practically slapped in the face. They ***e off as very unsensitive and unsupportive. Those issues have been resolved now (incase anyone was wondering)... my parents have agreed to loan us some money for the wedding. And believe me, I am not planning anything extravagent... just a pretty wedding. No more than $6000 (which we didn't have much choice in the price since we really wanted to have a dinner reception and... frankly, I don't have any nice friends or family members to help with cooking food). Its hard to have your dreams crushed... but I'm stronger for it and I know that my wedding will be a nice one. I just wish my FH would have had better timing... like 7 years ago when we actually HAD money. LOL!

[Becky]

I wish you lived close to me Cashy, I would help you cook!!

My parents aren't too interested in helping me out either. Whenever I run an idea by my Mom she usually changes the subject. It is definetly a bummer! But like you said we can do it on our own and it will be everything we imagined(or can afford at least!! LOL :) )

[Cashy98]

I wish you lived close to me Cashy, I would help you cook!!

My parents aren't too interested in helping me out either. Whenever I run an idea by my Mom she usually changes the subject. It is definetly a bummer! But like you said we can do it on our own and it will be everything we imagined(or can afford at least!! LOL :) )

Perhaps not EVERYTHING I ever imagined... but I think it will be pretty. And hopefully what we can afford to pay my parents back for. I think they are taking out a home equity loan to cover it for not. I know that sounds scary, but they said it would be fine. I hate the idea of getting into debt over a wedding... but there really isn't much choice now. LOL! Plans have been made. I hope eveything works out okay.

[pen15club]

You could consider waiting and saving your money to provide your own wedding. My fiance and I have officially been engaged for 2 years, and my parents are helping but we had to come up with the rest of the money. I was just like you, I would not have been happy with getting married at the courthouse. Your statement below is, in my opinion, correct being together is what really matters.


My boyfriend and I have been talking a lot about getting married (we're not offically engaged yet) and my parents flat out told me that they weren't going to even help pay for the wedding. My mom thinks we should run to the court house and call it good. My boyfriend and I have NO money. But I don't want to have a courthouse wedding. And I know if I don't have the nice wedding I've always dreamed of, I'll regret it. Don't get me wrong, just getting married would be wonderful... and I know being together is what really counts. But still, don't I deserve to have a nice wedding? The cost is the only thing holding us back. My mom said that they couldn't afford helping pay for a wedding. But I don't think that's necessarily true. They just bought a new truck! Are they being selfish? Am I being selfish? What can I do? This is so depressing. :(

[fmil0625]

I have thought long and hard over the state of what weddings have come to in the past 20 years or so.

When my grandparents were married in the early 1920s, they had a very lavish affair - 350 guests for a sit down dinner in her parent's home, expensive dress, gorgeous flowers all over the place. I can't even imagine how much my great-grandparents spent based on what was printed in the Augusta society pages. And she was the fourth daughter! But they had the money to do it and it was what was expected of someone in their social circle. My wedding won't be as impressive because my parents don't move in those circles nor could they afford it.

Now I hear about brides who come from very working class neighborhoods whose parents (and the bridal couple themselves) go into great debt to put on these extravagent weddings. But years ago, these brides would have lovely small weddings in their homes or gardens with close family and friends, wearing their best dress and serving food prepared by people who loved and cared for them.

I guess it is what we see in magazines, tv and movies that fuels the fire for these over the top weddings. And I admit I am guilty of it myself - I read postings on this website about themes, how everything needs to tie in together and I flip out. "Is my wedding cohesive?" "Are the guests going to pick up on the subtle blue polka dots that I hand painted onto the toilet paper are the same ones at the hem of my bridesmaid dresses?" It seems like everything has to be so "done". What happened to having a beautiful, simple wedding?

And before everyone starts to flame my *****, I AM NOT DIRECTING THIS TO ANY ONE PERSON - I AM NOT EVEN SUGGESTING THAT CASHY IS GUILTY OF THINKING OF PLANNING ON DOING THIS FOR HER WEDDING.

I guess I just wish that weddings could be simply beautiful. It seems that so often the bride (and maybe her parents, groom, FILs) lose sight of what this is really about - the union of the couple. That is what the wedding is about. Clearly I needed a rant. Sorry.

Bravo! Well said and nice to be reminded of how things used to be and should be. I know that I'm responding to something that was said well over a month ago but I just read it and couldn't agree more. It's the KISS rule.
(Keep It Simple Sweetheart)

[Arien]

You could consider waiting and saving your money to provide your own wedding.


I agree. This is exactly what my FH and I have done, and it hasn't killed us. In fact, we are going to be much better off financially because of the wait.

After all, if you can't afford even a modest wedding, how can you afford a house, kids, bills, etc.? Granted, some people already have all those things and that's why they can't afford a wedding, or they want a much bigger wedding than they can afford. But I can tell you that paying nearly all of our wedding expenses ourselves has been very freeing for us, as we don't have to answer to anyone else for our decisions.

[Cashy98]

You could consider waiting and saving your money to provide your own wedding. My fiance and I have officially been engaged for 2 years, and my parents are helping but we had to come up with the rest of the money. I was just like you, I would not have been happy with getting married at the courthouse. Your statement below is, in my opinion, correct being together is what really matters.
I think our 7 year wait needs to come to an end. LOL! Like Arien said... some people can't afford a wedding because the already have "things". We have been living together for 7 years... I don't want to wait anymore! LOL! We have been trying to save money ever since we got engaged and our engagement will be almost 2 years as it is. Anyways... its a little late to postpone things anyway, we have already put down non-refundable deposits. But I don't want to wait anymore anyway. I know that sounds kind of bad... but I can't help it. Saving money never really works for us anyway. It never has. LOL! It will be okay though, with or without anyone else's help we will find a way to get married in June. :)
(And yes... being together is what really matters... but I don't want a courthouse wedding either. And saying you'll do that now and having a wedding later... I know how that always ends up... no wedding.)

[Arien]

I think our 7 year wait needs to come to an end. LOL! Like Arien said... some people can't afford a wedding because the already have "things". We have been living together for 7 years... I don't want to wait anymore! LOL! We have been trying to save money ever since we got engaged and our engagement will be almost 2 years as it is.


Well, I can definitely see your point. My sister and her husband did a JP and planned to save up for a "real" wedding a year or two later. It's been almost 4 years now, and they still have barely two pennies to rub together. Sometimes waiting can make a big difference, like it did for my FH and I. But if you've already been waiting for years, your situation is probably not going to get any better in the next few months at this point.