Dad let me down

[koolade]

Okay, prepare to READ!!!! And keep in mind that Im not trying to be ungrateful!! Okay, FH and I were sposed to get married June of 2004-got engaged in Feb 2004 so it was gonna be a quick wedding. When we talked to my dad, he said that since he is the father of the bride, its his duty to pay for the traditional bride family things and that that is what hes gonna do. But, he said hed need more time because a wedding wasnt in his plans than, or in his budget. My dad makes good money, but he already had a summer vacation planned and that was the problem, he wasnt gonna have the money for both! So, we decided to wait til this June-2005-to get married because my dad was better off financially than we were to pay for everything, and since he offered(or maybe felt obligated), it was gonna work better!! Although, if we would have followed through with regular plan, we were gonna have a garden reception with a potluck type meal(not where guests have to bring a dish to pass, but where like certain family members cooked different dishes for us-they were fine with it when we asked too). So, now here we are-Jan of 05, and I recently found out that my dad never reserved the reception hall, even though he told me he did(I called the place, and at that point that-2 weeks ago-they hadnt had any reservations for June). To make matters worse, my dads bday is the day after Christmas, and when I called him on his bday to see what his plans were for the day, he told me that him, stepmom, and sister were going out to lunch and asked if FH and I wanted to meet them. Before I could even answer, my stepmom piped up and said(very rudely might I add) "I wont go and Im not paying for them." She doesnt like my FH all that well(and I have no idea why) and she just randomly doesnt like me-I seriously think shes bipolar-not to be rude though, and no offense to anyone. So, that caused a few problems and I havent really talked to my dad cuz I absolutely do not feel comfortable calling his house, and he hasnt even called me. So, I sent him an email, no reply. Okay, so by this point FH and I have decided that if we cut back on some of things we were planning on, we can just pay ourselves. Well, yesterday, our car decided it didnt wanna work anymore and its gonna cost lots to fix it. I finally decided to write my dad a letter and asked if he was still planning on paying for his part that he promised me if we waited a year. I know he hasnt gotten it yet cuz I just sent it yesterday. My problem is if he isnt gonna pay, than we wont have money for the reception at all. So, Im wondering if its okay to just do the ceremony and not have a reception if worse comes to worse. Or, maybe we could do a garden reception and just have appetizers, or desserts, or just something small and inexpensive like that. The only problem is we already have everything for the ceremony taken care of and the time of the ceremony is 4 pm, and we were planning on a 6pm reception. We cant change the ceremony time now, and I know that 6 being part of dinner hours, I should feed my guests dinner, and so I could do the potluck style reception with lots of help-like we had originally planned. Oh, and one last piece of info, one of my sisters(step-sister actually) bday was the 13th of this month, and she got a 1000 dollar bed. If my dad can afford that, than why didnt he put a deposit on a hall for me. I guess I just feel let down-and I know I should talk to dad, but its so hard because since he married step-mom, we have really grown apart-we used to be close. Anyway, so sorry to ramble on, I just didnt want anyone to think I was ungrateful or anything so I figured I should tell some of the story. Any advice, or opinions on what I could or should do?!?!?!?!?

[k89mmk]

Wow. Thats quite the story. So sorry to hear things aren't working out for you. I don't know if you'll want my opinion, but I'm gong to give it anyway!

I think first and foremost you need to talk to your dad. You need to know if he actually does intend to do this and if he wants to do it. If you ask me, its not much good having a all-expenses-paid-for wedding if it means your dad is only doing it because he feels its his obligation. That can only make matters worse in your relationship, and will put a sore-spot on the wedding. But if its something that he truly wants to do, than thats great. So first things first - talk to your dad! Ask him (and only him if your step-mom is going to be like that) to meet you and FH for lunch or something and figure out whats on the go.

If thats not an option (I understand things are complicated and its not that simple), then I would say let your dad know that you don't want him to pay for the wedding because its not worth that. I would definately not cancel the reception all together, but you can keep costs down. I see nothing wrong with having just desserts and snacks. Why not set the reception time to 7:30 or 8:00, and let people know on the invitation that its not a meal? That will give them time to go home and have supper, and it will give you time to get some pictures done and spend a few minutes with your groom.

Let me know what you decide. Good luck!

[koolade]

thank you so much for your opinion!!! it really helps. i know i need to talk to dad, but like i said i feel uncomfortable calling his house(possibility that step mom may answer) i know thats childish, but she has hurt me(and my older brother) so bad that its come to the point where i dont want to hear her voice. anyway, i never asked dad to pay for the wedding, however i did ask if hed be able to help. thats when he told me that its his responsibility to pay, and he wants me to have whatever i want. so, i went with it, but did tell him to let me know what my limits are. I didnt want to make him go in debt!!!! but, i have written him a letter and hope that it will at least make it a little easier for both of us. as far as having the reception later-i never thought of that, and really appreciate the idea. Thanks!!!!

[reecey]

thank you so much for your opinion!!! it really helps. i know i need to talk to dad, but like i said i feel uncomfortable calling his house(possibility that step mom may answer) i know thats childish, but she has hurt me(and my older brother) so bad that its come to the point where i dont want to hear her voice. anyway, i never asked dad to pay for the wedding, however i did ask if hed be able to help. thats when he told me that its his responsibility to pay, and he wants me to have whatever i want. so, i went with it, but did tell him to let me know what my limits are. I didnt want to make him go in debt!!!! but, i have written him a letter and hope that it will at least make it a little easier for both of us. as far as having the reception later-i never thought of that, and really appreciate the idea. Thanks!!!!

Is there a way that you can call him at work? Can you just call him at home and have him meet you somewhere - by himself - so you can sit down and talk to him about this face to face? I think that's what is going to be your best bet - not over the phone where someone might be listening on the other end or screaming at your dad - I'm sure its tough on him - he wants to do things for you, but he also wants to keep the peace in his own home. Remove him from the situation at hand while you talk to him about it - that way he'll feel free to make the decisions he needs to make without someone breathing down his neck. Be sure that when you talk to him, you are calm - don't make accusations, don't bring up your step-monster. Just tell him what you have planned and what you would like to do and tell him that you really would enjoy and could use his help. You want to do this with him and you hope he's willing.

[meligra27]

Okay, prepare to READ!!!! And keep in mind that Im not trying to be ungrateful!! Okay, FH and I were sposed to get married June of 2004-got engaged in Feb 2004 so it was gonna be a quick wedding. When we talked to my dad, he said that since he is the father of the bride, its his duty to pay for the traditional bride family things and that that is what hes gonna do. But, he said hed need more time because a wedding wasnt in his plans than, or in his budget. My dad makes good money, but he already had a summer vacation planned and that was the problem, he wasnt gonna have the money for both! So, we decided to wait til this June-2005-to get married because my dad was better off financially than we were to pay for everything, and since he offered(or maybe felt obligated), it was gonna work better!! Although, if we would have followed through with regular plan, we were gonna have a garden reception with a potluck type meal(not where guests have to bring a dish to pass, but where like certain family members cooked different dishes for us-they were fine with it when we asked too). So, now here we are-Jan of 05, and I recently found out that my dad never reserved the reception hall, even though he told me he did(I called the place, and at that point that-2 weeks ago-they hadnt had any reservations for June). To make matters worse, my dads bday is the day after Christmas, and when I called him on his bday to see what his plans were for the day, he told me that him, stepmom, and sister were going out to lunch and asked if FH and I wanted to meet them. Before I could even answer, my stepmom piped up and said(very rudely might I add) "I wont go and Im not paying for them." She doesnt like my FH all that well(and I have no idea why) and she just randomly doesnt like me-I seriously think shes bipolar-not to be rude though, and no offense to anyone. So, that caused a few problems and I havent really talked to my dad cuz I absolutely do not feel comfortable calling his house, and he hasnt even called me. So, I sent him an email, no reply. Okay, so by this point FH and I have decided that if we cut back on some of things we were planning on, we can just pay ourselves. Well, yesterday, our car decided it didnt wanna work anymore and its gonna cost lots to fix it. I finally decided to write my dad a letter and asked if he was still planning on paying for his part that he promised me if we waited a year. I know he hasnt gotten it yet cuz I just sent it yesterday. My problem is if he isnt gonna pay, than we wont have money for the reception at all. So, Im wondering if its okay to just do the ceremony and not have a reception if worse comes to worse. Or, maybe we could do a garden reception and just have appetizers, or desserts, or just something small and inexpensive like that. The only problem is we already have everything for the ceremony taken care of and the time of the ceremony is 4 pm, and we were planning on a 6pm reception. We cant change the ceremony time now, and I know that 6 being part of dinner hours, I should feed my guests dinner, and so I could do the potluck style reception with lots of help-like we had originally planned. Oh, and one last piece of info, one of my sisters(step-sister actually) bday was the 13th of this month, and she got a 1000 dollar bed. If my dad can afford that, than why didnt he put a deposit on a hall for me. I guess I just feel let down-and I know I should talk to dad, but its so hard because since he married step-mom, we have really grown apart-we used to be close. Anyway, so sorry to ramble on, I just didnt want anyone to think I was ungrateful or anything so I figured I should tell some of the story. Any advice, or opinions on what I could or should do?!?!?!?!?


Hello I hope at this point things are a little better for you. I totally agree with all the other posts saying you should talk with your father. I understand that you feel uncomfortable calling his home but thats still your dad and you cant let her get in the way of your relationship with your dad. Maybe you need to call your step mother and ask her if you can meet for coffee and tell her how you feel and find out what the problem is between you all. It may help clear the air with you and her and help with you and your dad. If she says no at least you can say you tried. I would definately try to talk to them especially her alone to get to the root of the problem. If none of that helps maybe you can talk to your friends and family and if a few can make a pan of something you maybe able to pull off a dinner. Do a rigatoni meatball pasta dinner with salad and dinner rolls its quick easy and inexpensive. Hope it helps. Let me know.
Good luck hun

[moe]

thank you so much for your opinion!!! it really helps. i know i need to talk to dad, but like i said i feel uncomfortable calling his house(possibility that step mom may answer) i know thats childish, but she has hurt me(and my older brother) so bad that its come to the point where i dont want to hear her voice. anyway, i never asked dad to pay for the wedding, however i did ask if hed be able to help. thats when he told me that its his responsibility to pay, and he wants me to have whatever i want. so, i went with it, but did tell him to let me know what my limits are. I didnt want to make him go in debt!!!! but, i have written him a letter and hope that it will at least make it a little easier for both of us. as far as having the reception later-i never thought of that, and really appreciate the idea. Thanks!!!!
I agree about the "coctail reception" type (what I innitially wanted but got vetoed by FH) you could totally make it work by having the ceremony at 4 then reception at 7 titled "coctail reception" that would mean you would need to do passed food or stuff on tables for people to munch on but it would decrease costs so much and to be honest the best time of the wedding is after dinner anyway. I wish I could do that myself...$50 a plate is what I am paying!!! Seems like a waste to me but Fh wanted it!
If you are able to do this and bring your own food go to BJ's or Coscto and get the pre made stuff it is really good. And ask family and friends if they can make your "favorite dish or item" they will be honored!

[armitage]

Im probably the least of the opinions that you want to hear. I do hope that you settle things between your father and you since that relationship is so dear, and you will regret it for life if you let something so stupid as wedding payment to wreck it.

Maybe its the way I was brought up or just my line of thinking, but I do think that you are being a little less then 100% understanding and/or ungrateful. I am paying my way through graduate school which is 20,000 a year just for school not including all my living debt as a student which has landed me 120,000 indebt by time i graduate and my fiance does not make a great deal of money; my parents are very well off in the money department forunately for them, and my fiance's parents struggle with money. Before and since my engagement I would have never thought to ask my parents or his to fund an event that is planned and requested by my fiance and I; since we are both adults. No we dont have money, and that is why i am planning a very simple yet elegant reception that is ment to have a good time, not too show off how much money someone can spend in one day.

I think you need to understand that your father obviously has financial obligations that he is used to taking care of, the wedding is not something he obviously expected to occur at this point in time and is not prepared to fork out the desired money because you are demanding it. You should talk to your father and tell him that you are appreciative of the genourous offer but that you to are going to try your best to cut cost and keep it to an absolute minimal and would like to know if you run into a few sharp edges while planning maybe he could loan you money so you can pay him back for helping when the money comes. Or the two of you can go the bank and take a loan out or put it on credit cards if you so deem to.

Sorry but I feel that this type of event should be payed by the 2 that are getting married.

Anyhow, best of luck is wished upon the two of you to plan a wedding that will begin a beauitful marriage - remember its not about the wedding its about the actual marriage.