TO HAVE KIDS AT WEDDING OR NOT TO HAVE KIDS AT WEDDING?

[SHANONWHITT]

I am getting married September 6. This is not my first wedding nor is it my fiance's. We are both divorced. My fiance has very young nieces and nephews. We both feel strongly that they would fidget and cause disruption. We want a quiet adult only celebration. We are receiving a lot of verbal abuse from his youngest sister, claiming we have no class for excluding small children.
We don't know how to feel. We thought the day was about the Bride and Groom? Are we wrong?

[karlygirl]

hi! i am in a similar situation.....if i were to have kids at my wedding, with both sides havng kids, we would have 121 kids........now, we have 264 on our list. if we were to have kids, we would have over 300 people. I CANT DO THIS WITH MY BUDGET!! so i am not having kids. if people can not understand that i cant afford to have kids at my wedding then they can kiss off and talk about me all they want. then they can pay for thier kids themself. if i had one kid coming then they all have to come and i cant do it. my fiances mom said she agrees with me. that that is too many kids and that if people come or get mad bc of that they poooooh on them. she said this is your day, and you do what you want. on my invitations i will be putting "adult reception to follow......" the etiquit book i got said this was totally fine and if i get responses back and i know that there should be 2 and i see 4 bc they are bringing kids, they say it is totally fien to call them. i wont hesitate. call me a meany, buti cant afford it. and i am not a big kids person.....the only kids coming is my brothers 2 little kids bc they are in the wedding and my fiances sisters kids, bc they are in it...that is it. so if people get mad them let them!!!!! they will get over it and if they dont, then oh well!!!!!! kristina

[ladyfate]

I think it's fine to say you don't want kids at your wedding. We are having an evening wedding and have included a line on our replies that says "We respectfully ask that no children attend". I have seen too many weddings ruined by howling, fidgeting monster-children to want mine to meet the same fate. Plus at $40 per person, it's just not practical to invite the multitudes of children people want to drag along.
It would be less of an issue if well behaved *parents" immediately removed annoying or disruptive children but they don't. They ignore them and allow everyone else to suffer in annoyed silence.
If your future SiL can't understand that then she's choosing not to because it inconveniences her. You aren't responsible for anyone else's children so stick to your guns. It's your wedding!

[p_h_c]

That choice is up to you and your fiance not his youngest sister. Please ask your fiance to do the right thing and remind her it is not her wedding but you and your fiance's. It is socially acceptable to not have children at a wedding. It is also socially acceptable to only have those children closest to you at the wedding such as your own or his.

My fiance and I have chosen to allow children but that was before we realized how many children people actually had. That's what we get for not taking the time to first ask how many of his or my extended family members had children. It's going to be three times as expensive because of them and there really isn't anything to keep children occupied. I am going to have to ask the caterer if there is a room available for the children to play in while the reception is going on or have a couple baby sitters available to keep them occupied. I am also asking the guest book attendant to remind people with children to politely remove themselves and their children during the ceremony if their child becomes irritable. I do not want my wedding ruined by a cranky crying child. I love children but this day is not for the children. It's for the bride and groom and people who truly are there to share it with you will remember that and be respectful enough to do as you ask.

Your soon to be sister in law is forgetting that this day isn't hers. And it's not bad manners for anyone to abuse the bride and groom for making a choice not to have children. I am saddened for you and your soon-to-be husband on the lack of manners of his sister. He really does need to have a talk to her. If he doesn't you have every right to politely thank her for her opinion but remind her it is not her day it is you and fiance's and you want it to be beautiful rather than full of disruption.

Good Luck!

[Lisa]

For our wedding, we both decided the children will not be invited. Adult receptions only can be alot more formal, without having to worry about any whiny children ther to ruin our special day

[kanaelili]

I couldn't ask my nieces, nephews or younger cousins to stay home. They are apart of my family and I would want them involved in the celbration of another person coming into my family. Our wedding is going to be on the beach. I am planning on having a small children's table where they can interact with each other and be content that way. Also instead of serving the children the same expensive meal as the adults, I am planning on serving them Mc Donalds or Pizzas. Something that is cheap that would be okay if they wasted it. Plus if its at the beach Duh kids love to be dirty there is sand everywhere.

[Floridacouple]

Well I understand where you all are coming from being that you don't have kids yourself. I am a single parent and so when I get married/if I get married, I want my son involved in the wedding. I mean in my situation is different, he is my son and I love him very much and don't want him excluded. Is that selfish or not?

[Kim&Jared]

my fiance and I are planning on having a cut off age, we are thinking some where around 8-12 where the children are old enough to understand, remember, and be respectful of the wedding. we would like to be able to include children but we also understand that they can not sit through a 6 hour event which is not planned to entertain them. the flower girl (4) will be the only child there and luckly she's very low key. if either of us had children from a previous marriage they would of course be included, but the younger children in the family which all happen to be 2nd or 3rd cousins will not be included. We felt the age cut off was a reasonable compromise.

I hope this helps!

[lmrs]

I am getting married September 6. This is not my first wedding nor is it my fiance's. We are both divorced. My fiance has very young nieces and nephews. We both feel strongly that they would fidget and cause disruption. We want a quiet adult only celebration. We are receiving a lot of verbal abuse from his youngest sister, claiming we have no class for excluding small children.
We don't know how to feel. We thought the day was about the Bride and Groom? Are we wrong?

The only kids at my wedding were my own from my first marriage, because they were in the wedding party. We had the ceremony at 7:00pm, white tie invited, with a cocktail reception to follow. At first there was a bit of grumbling, but in the end, most of the parents were glad to have a night out without the kids.

[kywoman]

Obviously from some of the postings this can be a very emotional issue that causes bad feelings between friends and members of the family. When my daughter got married there simply was not enough room to include children in the reception. But from a practical viewpoint, if all the other friends and family were at the wedding (and given the difficulty in finding reliable sitters for evenings and weekends), we were afraid some of the people we really wanted to be there would not be able to come because they did not have child care. We were able to find a local service that specializes in caring for children during weddings. They ***e right to the site of the reception, did a party for the children in a separate space with less expensive, child-friendly food. My daughter and son-in-law went to the children's room at one point to visit. Later in the evening when some of the guests had departed and the dance floor was not so crowded, we brought the children who were left out to the reception and did a special "hokey-pokey" dance with them. Nobody had to miss the wedding, the kids had a great time, their parents loved not having to worry about their kids, and my daughter and son-in-law got to spend some time with the children without it causing any stress. It was a win-win-win situation. And if you can't afford to totally pay for such a service, I'm betting a lot of the parents would even be willing to help foot the bill just for the convenience of having child care arranged for them.

[Malikyla]

I have 5 kids in my 6:00pm wedding party, and four others from immediate family members who will be attending the ceremony. My fiance and I both have children from a previous marriage and of course we want them involved in the wedding; however, we are in total agreement we do not want the children at the reception past the dinner hour, for our peace of mind as well as the comfort of our guests. We want our guests to 'let their hair down', and we know that many would not feel comfortable doing so if children were present.

What we have done is hired a trusted babysitter to conduct a 'kids only' party at our home while our reception is taking place at the country club down the street. After dinner, a few family members are shuttling the kids to my home (less than two minutes away) to get out of their formalwear, watch movies, play games, eat junk food, and have one big slumber party, all under the watchful eye of a trusted adult. The young ones can fall asleep comfortably, since our reception is starting at many of their regular bedtimes, and they will probably be exhausted with the business of the day anyway.

When we asked the kids (aged 4-11) whether they would rather be at a reception with all the adults or a party with just kids, they all said the kids party would be much more to their liking. The parents are happy, the kids are happy and I feel, most importantly, the bride and groom are happy.

[liajbridal]

I just recently remarried. I have 3 children 16, 17 and 10, my husband has no children. We didn't want children at our wedding except mine. We didn't have a big wedding, but I called the few guests who did have children and tactfully told them that no children were allowed for budgetary reasons. That included my own brother.

It is a very touchy subject, but if the couple "requests the honor of your presence" at their wedding, then you should abide by their wishes of not bringing children.

[Bridezilla!]

I've learned the hard way that this is such a touchy subject. I am having guests refuse to come to the wedding because their children have not been included. Since I am not a parent myself yet, I am having a hard time understanding where these people are coming from. There is a school of thought that weddings are all about families, so not inviting guests as a "complete package" with their families is considered offensive. Well, some people consider their pets as "part of the family" and there isn't offense taken when pets aren't included, right? I know that sounds sinical, but really, these people should hear themselves talking! There are some business establishments such as pubs & honeymoon resorts that don't allow children. In other words, it's not LAW that children have to be permitted everywhere. It is a matter of personal preference and if these guests with children really cared about how the bride & groom would like to start their lives together, they would respect their wishes, be happy for them, and not be in a snit that the wedding is not a venue for them to show off how cute their children are.

[armitage]

My FH and I have also decided not to allow children to attend the wedding or reception. I do not have children and none of my close friends or family as of today have any children (below 18), I do know some friends of the family that have children but if they attended I would have a major migraine and I know my reception would be physically, emotionally destroyed. I am not having a flower girl or ring bear at my ceremony so its easily stated - absolutely no children.

If others can not respect my choice and dont want to come then that is their option and right. I will still be enjoying my day - even with out one or two less people

Its your wedding do exactly as you please to do.

[nle5]

My FH and I have chosen to include children at both the wedding and reception. I think this is a question that all couples need to ask themselves before deciding. While it is NOT wrong to ask for parents to leave their children at home, you need to realize some people will not come to the wedding or reception because of that very reason. You are right the wedding is supposed to be for the bride and groom, do not let anyone tell you that the way you are planning your wedding is wrong. Some brides and grooms will ask for children not be be present at the celebrations but then will provide a baby sitter for the children.

Good luck!

[Daisies1983]

I understand that children can be a problem at events like this. I don't have children either. However, I have been the "child" that was not invited; and it offended the entire family. I am 21 years old and I recently was not invited to a wedding because only the parents were allowed to attend. I think it seems wise to provide a sitter for the children and have a cut off age. In my experience, getting married is a joyous event and should be celebrated by family and friends. I cannot imagine telling people to leave their kids at home. When I actually was a child, I was invited to the weddings and I gained a great deal from each experience. And I am very glad that I was able to go, rather then have been treated like the family pet.

[reecey]

I understand that children can be a problem at events like this. I don't have children either. However, I have been the "child" that was not invited; and it offended the entire family. I am 21 years old and I recently was not invited to a wedding because only the parents were allowed to attend. I think it seems wise to provide a sitter for the children and have a cut off age. In my experience, getting married is a joyous event and should be celebrated by family and friends. I cannot imagine telling people to leave their kids at home. When I actually was a child, I was invited to the weddings and I gained a great deal from each experience. And I am very glad that I was able to go, rather then have been treated like the family pet.



I hear ya - I couldn't imagine having a family event without the oodles and oodles of kiddos running around. Everyone in my family has at least 2 kids - up to 6 (except me). I can't wait to have them all running around! :) Some people though, its not that they don't like kids, but they see their wedding differently - they want it to go off without a baby crying or a toddler standing up and announcing "I have to PEE!" (I've seen it happen - I thought it was funny, as did the bride - the boy was potty training - it was the first time he announced he had to go all by himself) Anyway - I think people cut children out for more than cost, but also because they want less distractions and less chances of things not going perfectly. The way I see it, its never going to be asthetically perfect - something at least little but all the way to catastrophic is going to happen. You can laugh about it and claim it as your own, or you can have a horrible reaction to it. Its all up to you. My nephew Jake will probably "power up" and have a good time (he thinks he's a power ranger - he's 2.5 years old) I'm all for it! Yes, it is a serious occasion, but children can be a way to bring a light and enjoyable atmosphere and have an uncanny way of breaking the nerves. :)

[nle5]

I hear ya - I couldn't imagine having a family event without the oodles and oodles of kiddos running around. Everyone in my family has at least 2 kids - up to 6 (except me). I can't wait to have them all running around! :) Some people though, its not that they don't like kids, but they see their wedding differently - they want it to go off without a baby crying or a toddler standing up and announcing "I have to PEE!" (I've seen it happen - I thought it was funny, as did the bride - the boy was potty training - it was the first time he announced he had to go all by himself) Anyway - I think people cut children out for more than cost, but also because they want less distractions and less chances of things not going perfectly. The way I see it, its never going to be asthetically perfect - something at least little but all the way to catastrophic is going to happen. You can laugh about it and claim it as your own, or you can have a horrible reaction to it. Its all up to you. My nephew Jake will probably "power up" and have a good time (he thinks he's a power ranger - he's 2.5 years old) I'm all for it! Yes, it is a serious occasion, but children can be a way to bring a light and enjoyable atmosphere and have an uncanny way of breaking the nerves. :)

I agree with reecey. Children can lighten up the wedding and reception. They do not mean to misbehave to "ruin" a person's wedding they just cannot keep still because of their attention span. In my education classes I have learned that on the average children can pay attention about 15 minutes per grade they are in at school. This is why they get restless and want to do something different. This is also why teacher's change activities so many times throughout the day with the little kids. I know you might be thinking what does this have to do with kids at my wedding. Well, the point I am trying to make is that children are just being children. They want to be doing something instead of sitting still at a wedding. Should you invite children to your wedding? Well, that is totally up to you and your fiance. Yes, I am having children at mine. I am also going to be providing different activities for them at the reception so they are not getting bored and getting into trouble. I am also thinking of hiring someone for the reception to specifically watch the children so that the parents can enjoy the reception. They will have their own area at the reception in which to do the different activities and if one needs their parent then they are right there. As far as the wedding part goes, I think I am going to ask all of the parents of the little children to bring them some form of quiet activity (ie writing on a piece of paper, maybe having a favorite doll or matchbox vehicle they can play with quietly, etc) to keep the children from getting bored and restless. There are ways to keep children entertained at a wedding and reception, you just have to be creative.

[Nancy Evans]

I am getting married September 6. This is not my first wedding nor is it my fiance's. We are both divorced. My fiance has very young nieces and nephews. We both feel strongly that they would fidget and cause disruption. We want a quiet adult only celebration. We are receiving a lot of verbal abuse from his youngest sister, claiming we have no class for excluding small children.
We don't know how to feel. We thought the day was about the Bride and Groom? Are we wrong?

Definately not. It is your day and people at weddings tend not to look after their children and some one else who is trying to have a good time too is stuck with watching children. To me it is no place for children. With acception to children in the bridal party. Good luck. I have my fingers crossed for you.

[sweetpea]

We are having kids at our wedding simply because I have children and they are in it. We are having a beach theme reception at our home and we realized we would need something fro children to do. We have contacted a local company that rents inflatables and have rented 2 of them for a couple hundred dollars. This way the kids can go and play and be somewhat supervised and the adults can have fun. They come down at dusk so I assume most of them will go home them. A couple of young girls from our church have offered to man the nursery during the ceremony for the younger children to avoid the crying and fussing and maybe that is an option for some of you. They girls' have even offered to "watch" some of the kids at the reception and/or be a babysitter at their home. Since I have realtives that are traveling and will need to bring their children this is working out great for us and that is their gift to us. It doesn't hurt to ask some "older" kids you may know or realtives. You could even offer to pay them something and still get off pretty cheap! Good luck! :)

[SusanM18]

This is something we are going to come on too when we really start figuring out our guest list. I do have a lot of family out of town and I know several of them would not make it to the wedding if I exclude children. That is weighing on me, and for that reason I am probably going to have children. I may hire a babysitter or more for children under the age of 10.
I am someone who loves children and wants several, but one of my friends very much dislikes children, and keeps telling me ALL the negative things about having children at a wedding. Ultimately, it is the decision of the bride & groom, but bear in mind selectively choosing certain children & not others does make it more offensive than having all or none.

[reecey]

This is something we are going to come on too when we really start figuring out our guest list. I do have a lot of family out of town and I know several of them would not make it to the wedding if I exclude children. That is weighing on me, and for that reason I am probably going to have children. I may hire a babysitter or more for children under the age of 10.
I am someone who loves children and wants several, but one of my friends very much dislikes children, and keeps telling me ALL the negative things about having children at a wedding. Ultimately, it is the decision of the bride & groom, but bear in mind selectively choosing certain children & not others does make it more offensive than having all or none.


Just remember, the things that are negative to your friend might not be negative to you - also, remember that the children your friend knows aren't the same as the children you know.

[Doingitmyself]

I am getting married September 6. This is not my first wedding nor is it my fiance's. We are both divorced. My fiance has very young nieces and nephews. We both feel strongly that they would fidget and cause disruption. We want a quiet adult only celebration. We are receiving a lot of verbal abuse from his youngest sister, claiming we have no class for excluding small children.
We don't know how to feel. We thought the day was about the Bride and Groom? Are we wrong?


I completely agree with not having kids at a wedding. I went to a wedding this weekend where there were not many kids, but enough to cause a scene. During the first dance, the father-daughter dance, and the bridal party dance, there were kids all over the dance floor. They actually RAN into the bride and groom. They were playing with a remote-controlled motorcyle around the couple. It was a disgrace! Where were their parents? I don't want to have this happen at my wedding, but I am not sure how to make this point clear to my guests. I would just address the envelopes accordingly, but I'm afraid most of them wouldn't catch on. Any suggestions?

[SusanM18]

On the reception card put "Adult Only Reception"

I think the disgrace like you said, is ultimately the parents, not the children.