My Matron of Honour is my sister

[KarenK129]

undefinedI was my sister's Maid of Honour for her wedding and at that time I was in-between jobs and was broke. It was January wedding, so she said she would buy my dress as a Christmas present.

Now that I am getting married, she made it very clear that I had to pay for her dress. So I agreed. My fiance' does not have a brother and his closest friend, he hasn't seen for years and doesn't know how to find him, so we thought it would be nice to have my sister's husband be the best man.

She expects Gerry and I to pay for everything. His suit, her dress, the kids outfits, everything. Their two children are the flower girl and ring bearer. She refuses to pay for anything, her attitude is if I want them in the wedding, I have to pay for it. We have argued over this many times. Her answer to it is "then find another best man and maid of honour". The problem with that is that she is my only sister and I have no one else to ask.

I am getting married next month and I hate that this has caused such a problem. Her husband just got a new job that pays alot more than his last and she has a very good job as well. If it wasn't so close to the wedding, I probably would get someone else. Why is she doing this? Our money situation is no different than theirs. I fact we took out a loan to pay for the wedding. She doesn't care. If we want her or her family in it, we have to pay for their outfits.

Any advise????

Sincerely,

Karen :)

[Sarah]

I'm sorry Karen, it sounds like you're in a really rotten situation! It is usually accepted that members of the wedding party pay for their own expenses. Parents of ring bearers and flower girls pay for their childrens' expenses. Your sister is being incredibly selfish!! :mad: It is not a privilege for you to get to have them in your wedding -- it is an honor for them to have been asked! Even though it is close to the wedding, I think you should ask them to step down. You don't necessarily have to find someone else...attendants are not a necessity. The only absolutely required duty they fulfill is signing your marriage certificate as witnesses, and you could easily have someone else do this. It is not worth it on your big day to be put through this kind of grief. Maybe you could even scale back your ceremony to be small and private (but still meaningful to you two!), so it doesn't look as strange to not have attendants.

One more piece of advice. (Disclaimer: what's done is done, and it is ultimately your decision; this is just my humble opinion.) Taking out a loan to pay for your wedding can be a really risky idea. There are so many more stresses and adjustments to make throughout this time of change that starting a life together with an additional financial burden hanging overhead can push many new couples to the breaking point. Consider scaling back? Prioritize the elements you absolutely want and spend the most on those. Maybe even a very small ceremony, and hold the reception at a later date when you are more financially able to. There is no rule that says the ceremony and reception must be contiguous. You shouldn't have to mortgage your future to pay for a wedding, especially since it seems like you have your hands more than full with other worries! Good luck.

[KarenK129]

Sarah, almost everything is paid for already. Her dress, his tux, the ring bearer's outfit and the flower girl's dress as well. With 5 weeks away, these things had to be done. All invitations are out, catering is booked, everything. I'm NOT changing anything now. We got the bank loan about 3 weeks ago, already cashed and spent. It'll be OK. My finance' says he's getting a big bonus cheque this year that will pay it off completely. So we are not too stressed over this, my sister is the only stress in this wedding. We are also having my two kids and his two kids stand up with us too. The only thing is that they are too young to sign the register. That's why I asked my sister and brother-in-law to do that. There's nothing to scale back, I only invited 100 guests and with the 4 kids being our responsibility, we pay for them. And my parents are paying for the reception. Like I said, my ONLY problem is my sister. But Gerry (my finance') says don't start a war. I got an email from my sister today asking when a good day to throw the bridal shower, to help narrow down some dates. So I guess, I'm getting a shower. But I'm sure my mom has something to do with it.

Thanks, for your advise. I just needed to hear that I was right, I guess, that my sister was being ridiculous and selfish. Nothing changes. Thanks again. :o

[KarenK129]

All my brides maids are wearing hunter green dresses with white shoes and white flowers. BUT my sister, the matron of honour (that's a joke to me now) doesn't wear white shoes, only black. She refuses to wear white. She thinks black is better. She said she's not buying white shoes that if I want her weraing white I have to but them. So I did. I found a pair of white open toe sandles with a low heel. Bought them. Of course she hates them. She phoned our mother crying that I am so mean for not allowing her to wear black shoes. She has convinced my mother that black is much better. The other two girls are wearing white with no problem. I am wearing white. What is her problem? I don't see why she can't suck-it-up for a couple hours. Its not the end of the world. She is making this so stressful for me. This is supposed to be my wedding and its turned into pleasing her. I'm the bride, and she tells my mom that I am being selfish. I have to bend for her. Aughhh!! I wish I knew this a couple months ago, I would have asked someone else. Now its too late, only a few weeks to go.

Sad Bride,
Karen

[bjmy1975]

I have something to share that may help:

DEAR ABBY: After reading your column on how to ensure that bridesmaids' dresses match perfectly, I would like to offer a different perspective.

I married for the first time last June at age 47, and I did it on a very low budget. I would have paid for my bridesmaids' dresses had I been able to afford them, but it wasn't possible. My solution was to simply tell my closest friends to wear what they looked and felt good in -- preferably something blue.

One friend could only afford to wear the mauve dress from her daughter's wedding, so I changed my color scheme to a "rainbow" wedding.

On my wedding day, my bridesmaids were more nervous than I was. So, after they helped me into my white gown and veil, I put on a white baseball cap, blew a whistle and gave the following pep talk: "OK, team. We've trained long and hard for this day, and it's here. There's tension and obstacles, but let me ask you -- have we got the heart? (Yes!) The desire? (Yes!) Are we in this together? (Yes!) Then what're we gonna do? Win! Win! Win! Yea, team!"

I didn't care if things matched perfectly. What mattered was these were the people I cared about the most, people who had a special place on our special day and enjoyed themselves. And do you know what? Everyone looked fabulous! If I was outshined, that was OK. I still had the husband, bless his patient, enduring soul.


A lot of our guests said it was one of the best weddings and receptions they had ever been to. So things weren't exact -- big deal! -- IMPERFECT BUT HAPPY BRIDE IN DAYTON, OHIO

DEAR HAPPY BRIDE: I'm sure no one shined brighter than you on your special day. You were beautiful, both from without and within. Even more important than the color scheme, your priorities were in order. I wish you and your husband many happy years together, surrounded by the friends who love you

And I hope it was ok to reprint this here... Anyway... If you can't see the shoes just let it go. I'm in a wedding this summer where as long as they are black strappy sandles they are fine. I guess I am looking at who I have in the party and the kinds of clothing the wear all the time. And when we go to look at shoes we probably won't all get the same ones do to ages and sizes. I guess that's a moot point to me. But I will admit that I would be very unhappy with my sister, but maybe the problem is less the color and more the fact that you found them without her help. Look deeper and see if there are someother reasons for her actions. Ask her if it's really the shoes or something else. I bet it will all work out in the end. :)

[KarenK129]

Very nice letter from "Dear Abby". I guess I'm lucky where I have a good job and so does my finance', so we have been able to pay for everything so far (with a little help from a small bank loan). So its not so much a money problem. All the dresses are the same color but different styles. Same with the shoes, same color, different style. Each girl could pick the style of dress and shoes they wanted. Just in the wedding colors. Anything they wanted, we all went shopping together. My sister said right in the store when trying on her dress that she was wearing black shoes. I told her that I would like all the girls to wear white shoes, so everyone matches. Even the sales clerk pulled me aside after and said she was being unreasonable. My sister made it very clear to me that I had to buy the shoes for her and that she would never wear them again after that. There is no other "reason". We have been around this over and over. She truly believes that black is better. Its a summer wedding, white is better.

I'll have to wait and see what happens as we get closer to the wedding. Maybe she'll wear them after all. At this point, I'm feeling "whatever". If she wants to be the only one with different shoes, she'll be the one who looks foolish. I don't want to fight with her. I just wish she could understand how important this is to me. I did what she wanted with no question when I stood up for her.

Whatever happens, I'm still getting married. That doesn't change. I am so happy to finally being married. First (and only) marriage for me, and I am 40. ;)

Karen :)

[bjmy1975]

Well, in that case, I can only suggest that you hide the black shoes... ;) When she has no shoes she either has to go barefoot or wear the white ones. :p I think that since you gave them so much choice, she should buck up and wear them. I guess I would, if it gets down to it, tell her she has to wear them. period. And maybe conpare her to a pouting two year old. But then that's me. I haven't had the pleasure of wedding party opinions and tantrums yet. That's planned for next week. :D Just remember to smile no matter what and that shoes are not the entire day. !?!?!?! Sorry, I just channeled my mother.... :o

[Sarah]

Holy cow, does this chick have issues or what?? I really hope she'll get over herself and WEAR the WHITE SHOES!!! She's already put poor Karen through so much BS!

A sort-of-related shoe note :): When I got married, I told the bridesmaids I didn't care what color shoes they wore, as long as they matched and looked half-decent. I'm the matron of honor for a wedding in August, and the bride didn't really get around to making a decision, so I asked, "Is this color OK?" And she said whatever, so I went to WalMart and bought a $9 pair that look fine. Salon prices are so inflated, especially for something you'll probably never wear again. I told the bride where I got them so she can tell her other attendants if they ask.

A not-really-related irritating bridesmaid gripe :p: One of the bridesmaids pleaded "BROKE" when they went to buy the dresses, so the groom's mom loaned her the money. Two months later, she still hasn't paid her back; supposedly still broke. Then yesterday when I asked the bride for this girl's address for the shower invites, she said she'd have to call her for it...when she gets back from her cruise!!! So I guess every party has its stinker!

Good luck Karen!! You're right, you're still getting married, you got the guy, you're starting a wonderful new life together, and that's what's important.

[scangel86]

hey Karen,

I know you're probably already married by now, but I just wanted to tell you how sorry I am that you have such a horrible witch of a sister. Your wedding day is one of the most important days of your life, and she should have been doing her best to make sure it was perfect for you. Instead she turned the attention onto herself and made you unhappy. I think she is quite possibly the most selfish and immature person in this world. I hope that your wedding day, despite your mean sister, was the most beautiful of your life.

Blessings and love
shawnie

[Lilly]

This is certainly a sad situation, and I am sorry to say that your sister is acting rediculous. It is understandable that you want her in your wedding, but being that your wedding is only a month away, this should have long ago been settled. Persons that you ask to take part in your day, should always be aware that it is their responsibility to pay for their attire and expenses of being in your wedding, it is an honor, not a job to be asked to be apart of such an occassion. If it were my sister, I would simply say that I am really sorry she feels that way, and that since she did pay for your dress (did she pay for anyone elses) you would gladly pay for hers, but as for the rest of the family you should not be expected to do so, and you will not be doing so. If she chooses to back out of your wedding, that is her fault, and on her conscience.

Mara's Events & More - www.marasevents.com

undefinedI was my sister's Maid of Honour for her wedding and at that time I was in-between jobs and was broke. It was January wedding, so she said she would buy my dress as a Christmas present.

Now that I am getting married, she made it very clear that I had to pay for her dress. So I agreed. My fiance' does not have a brother and his closest friend, he hasn't seen for years and doesn't know how to find him, so we thought it would be nice to have my sister's husband be the best man.

She expects Gerry and I to pay for everything. His suit, her dress, the kids outfits, everything. Their two children are the flower girl and ring bearer. She refuses to pay for anything, her attitude is if I want them in the wedding, I have to pay for it. We have argued over this many times. Her answer to it is "then find another best man and maid of honour". The problem with that is that she is my only sister and I have no one else to ask.

I am getting married next month and I hate that this has caused such a problem. Her husband just got a new job that pays alot more than his last and she has a very good job as well. If it wasn't so close to the wedding, I probably would get someone else. Why is she doing this? Our money situation is no different than theirs. I fact we took out a loan to pay for the wedding. She doesn't care. If we want her or her family in it, we have to pay for their outfits.

Any advise????

Sincerely,

Karen :)